Formula
The push-pull of our belief that there's better can avoid entrapment, yet for how long do you want to have the same first date over and over again? Different person, similar pattern. We’re up against ourselves. It’s a great formula for staying peacefully free and resolutely alone.
The push-pull of our belief that there's better can avoid entrapment, yet for how long do you want to have the same first date over and over again? Different person, similar pattern. We’re up against ourselves. It’s a great formula for staying peacefully free and resolutely alone.
Hard
It’s hard to be human on earth at this time. At any time. None of us will get away without suffering, old age and death. Existence is transitory and full of challenges. Which make glimmers of joy, meaningful connections and seeming breakthroughs gently magnificent.
It’s hard to be human on earth at this time. At any time. None of us will get away without suffering, old age and death. Existence is transitory and full of challenges. Which make glimmers of joy, meaningful connections and seeming breakthroughs gently magnificent.
No
Could you hear a no with grace? To see it as a change of direction rather than rejection. Can you say ‘no’ or ‘I can’t’ or ‘I don’t want to do that’ to others without guilt or over-explaining or needing to apologise? I still find it hard to say no without explaining why or apologising to close friends. With strangers it’s only slightly easier. With no, it feels new to be straightforward, which is what it sounds like without apology or guilt. I’m getting used to it though it doesn't feel natural or nice. It still has consequences. I don’t much like hearing no from others either. Acceptance rather than grace is often enough.
Could you hear a no with grace? To see it as a change of direction rather than rejection. Can you say ‘no’ or ‘I can’t’ or ‘I don’t want to do that’ to others without guilt or over-explaining or needing to apologise? I still find it hard to say no without explaining why or apologising to close friends. With strangers it’s only slightly easier. With no, it feels new to be straightforward, which is what it sounds like without apology or guilt. I’m getting used to it though it doesn't feel natural or nice. It still has consequences. I don’t much like hearing no from others either. Acceptance rather than grace is often enough.
Choose
If much of sex happens to you, you respond to what you think is wanted of you, unspoken or otherwise, you’re missing the joy of knowing and feeling how to choose. You might get lucky and good things happen, maybe you’ll be non plussed. Not sure what’s wrong, surely you’re being a gentleman or good girl, following the performance script. Though not quite satisfying enough, erotically or emotionally, I imagine you know this feeling of something missing. Choosing is revolutionary. Noticing, valuing and trusting what you’d like to create in touch takes it to a new magic. Asking to touch and to be touched, being able to express what’s happening, pausing, slowing down, feeling relaxed arousal, delicious sensations and closeness. It’s time to jump off the conveyor belt and choose consciously in as many moments as you can create. It can dissipate randomness and create heartfelt moments of meaning and honesty.
If much of sex happens to you, you respond to what you think is wanted of you, unspoken or otherwise, you’re missing the joy of knowing and feeling how to choose. You might get lucky and good things happen, maybe you’ll be non plussed. Not sure what’s wrong, surely you’re being a gentleman or good girl, following the performance script. Though not quite satisfying enough, erotically or emotionally, I imagine you know this feeling of something missing. Choosing is revolutionary. Noticing, valuing and trusting what you’d like to create in touch takes it to a new magic. Asking to touch and to be touched, being able to express what’s happening, pausing, slowing down, feeling relaxed arousal, delicious sensations and closeness. It’s time to jump off the conveyor belt and choose consciously in as many moments as you can create. It can dissipate randomness and create heartfelt moments of meaning and honesty.
Manifestation
When the focus is on pleasure, connection and expression, rather than on performance, ejaculation or affirmation, something can change in our self-worth and wildness.
When the focus is on pleasure, connection and expression, rather than on performance, ejaculation or affirmation, something can change in our self-worth and wildness.
Humiliation
In dredging the unconscious drivers that were running me, there has been a growing personal and erotic freedom. Years ago, I had no idea how to play. I had no idea there was much more to kink than pain and pvc. Yet my ignorance and prejudices have given way to a genuine appreciation and admiration for the subtle and deep power of transformation and fun, alongside a strengthening of my personal limits and desires. Though, I had an edge around Humiliation when a practice partner said to me, “Call yourself a sex coach? When did you last have a relationship that worked?”
In dredging the unconscious drivers that were running me, there has been a growing personal and erotic freedom. Years ago, I had no idea how to play. I had no idea there was much more to kink than pain and pvc. Yet my ignorance and prejudices have given way to a genuine appreciation and admiration for the subtle and deep power of transformation and fun, alongside a strengthening of my personal limits and desires. Though, I had an edge around Humiliation when a practice partner said to me, “Call yourself a sex coach? When did you last have a relationship that worked?”
Complicity
Honesty can kill the fantasy. The truth is a savage pleasure. Is it better to know if someone doesn’t feel as deeply about us as we do them? Probably. Then we can choose to stay with some of what we’d love, or lose the little we have in search of a truer complicity.
Honesty can kill the fantasy. The truth is a savage pleasure. Is it better to know if someone doesn’t feel as deeply about us as we do them? Probably. Then we can choose to stay with some of what we’d love, or lose the little we have in search of a truer complicity.
Carrot
I find old lists in half-used life planners. Sometimes there’s a satisfaction in recognising that I did do a second degree, bought a Saab convertible, went to art college and writers' residencies. I live abroad again, I finally have a blue velvet sofa. I’m going to keep writing the lists of longing. Longing motivates me. I’m such a try-hard. And then there are the things that didn’t come to fruition. Still or Yet. I have a sense that love is the reward for my effort, like there's an imaginary carrot dangled constantly, “just do this and then you’ll have that,” pact. A husband in waiting, in this life or the next? A book deal. Inner peace. Romance in Venice. They’ve been in the God Box for years.
I find old lists in half-used life planners. Sometimes there’s a satisfaction in recognising that I did do a second degree, bought a Saab convertible, went to art college and writers' residencies. I live abroad again, I finally have a blue velvet sofa. I’m going to keep writing the lists of longing. Longing motivates me. I’m such a try-hard. And then there are the things that didn’t come to fruition. Still or Yet. I have a sense that love is the reward for my effort, like there's an imaginary carrot dangled constantly, “just do this and then you’ll have that,” pact. A husband in waiting, in this life or the next? A book deal. Inner peace. Romance in Venice. They’ve been in the God Box for years.
Supply
There's a lot of writing about narcissists. What about the other side of the equation? Every good narcissist needs supply. Not being the supply is vital. To stand back, keep out of the way of the ardour and intensity of the attention we’ve long been desiring. Otherwise, the unconscious reciprocal pact continues.
There's a lot of writing about narcissists. What about the other side of the equation? Every good narcissist needs supply. Not being the supply is vital. To stand back, keep out of the way of the ardour and intensity of the attention we’ve long been desiring. Otherwise, the unconscious reciprocal pact continues.
Overgiving
How often do you ‘give’ people what they never even asked for and actually didn't want? Stop that. Check first. It’ll save time, hurt and indignation. Being an over-giver is a misnomer.
How often do you ‘give’ people what they never even asked for and actually didn't want? Stop that. Check first. It’ll save time, hurt and indignation. Being an over-giver is a misnomer.
Allow
What can you say yes to with an open heart, knowing it’s not for you, that you’re free of responsibility, that you don’t have to guess? All you have to do is inwardly patrol your stated boundaries. Sometimes you’ll be bored. That's ok, it’s not about you. Sometimes you’ll enjoy it. That’s ok, it’s not about you. Sometimes you’ll be surprised. Isn't that joyful? Mostly, you’ll be relaxed. You stated your limits; no one will transgress them. Doing nothing allows the other to have their experience and you to have yours. Allow them to be different.
What can you say yes to with an open heart, knowing it’s not for you, that you’re free of responsibility, that you don’t have to guess? All you have to do is inwardly patrol your stated boundaries. Sometimes you’ll be bored. That's ok, it’s not about you. Sometimes you’ll enjoy it. That’s ok, it’s not about you. Sometimes you’ll be surprised. Isn't that joyful? Mostly, you’ll be relaxed. You stated your limits; no one will transgress them. Doing nothing allows the other to have their experience and you to have yours. Allow them to be different.
Take
There’s a way of playing with consent once you’ve got the basics of who it’s for and how to feel. Brief moments of connection and touch, an increasing bravery to requests, and appreciation of gifts taken and offered. A chance to notice sensation, longing and satisfaction. Small pleasures. “May I touch your hair. May I hold you round the waist? May I place my hand over your cock?” Doing it for you. To know how something feels and the effect it has on you. Can you feel the effects on your skin and in your body, breath, and mood? Close your eyes to notice the effect of the touch on you rather than trying to affect another, to get somewhere or turn them on. Let direct pleasure affect you. Do you like what you’ve chosen, or do you need to adjust? Be part of the experience rather than spectatoring on someone else's for crumbs of satisfaction or affirmation. Your ego loves indirect pleasure. It's totally affirming and conditioned. Nothing wrong with that, yet it's not the whole story by any means. Being in and of the experience takes trust in oneself, an undoing of what you've always done, and being willing to shift focus, recognising and valuing your own embodiment.
There’s a way of playing with consent once you’ve got the basics of who it’s for and how to feel. Brief moments of connection and touch, an increasing bravery to requests, and appreciation of gifts taken and offered. A chance to notice sensation, longing and satisfaction. Small pleasures. “May I touch your hair. May I hold you round the waist? May I place my hand over your cock?” Doing it for you. To know how something feels and the effect it has on you. Can you feel the effects on your skin and in your body, breath, and mood? Close your eyes to notice the effect of the touch on you rather than trying to affect another, to get somewhere or turn them on. Let direct pleasure affect you. Do you like what you’ve chosen, or do you need to adjust? Be part of the experience rather than spectatoring on someone else's for crumbs of satisfaction or affirmation. Your ego loves indirect pleasure. It's totally affirming and conditioned. Nothing wrong with that, yet it's not the whole story by any means. Being in and of the experience takes trust in oneself, an undoing of what you've always done, and being willing to shift focus, recognising and valuing your own embodiment.
Havoc
Safe spaces are an overpromise. What might emerge from the shadows of trauma can upend us. No matter the promise of safety, we’re not guaranteed anything from the wastelands of the subconscious. The unknown lurking in the badlands is running the show, causing us to act out, play up and create havoc with any notion that we know ourselves.
Safe spaces are an overpromise. What might emerge from the shadows of trauma can upend us. No matter the promise of safety, we’re not guaranteed anything from the wastelands of the subconscious. The unknown lurking in the badlands is running the show, causing us to act out, play up and create havoc with any notion that we know ourselves.
Stopped
Beauty is redemptive. Seeking it allows wonder and relaxation. Lost in rapture, safe for a moment beyond hypervigilance, the world drops away for a moment in time. In front of a stunning painting, a distant blue horizon, or turning a bend in the road, weak sunlight through the reeds after a storm. I love being stopped in my tracks, pulled out of my thoughts and reminded to be glad.
Beauty is redemptive. Seeking it allows wonder and relaxation. Lost in rapture, safe for a moment beyond hypervigilance, the world drops away for a moment in time. In front of a stunning painting, a distant blue horizon, or turning a bend in the road, weak sunlight through the reeds after a storm. I love being stopped in my tracks, pulled out of my thoughts and reminded to be glad.
Objectify
Conscious objectification can be useful in getting exactly what you’d love. To be given permission and consent to objectify, to have willing access to your desire, is a gift. So, allow your inner control freak. Adjust, be pernickety, pick clothing, perfection and posture with clear intention. See where it takes you. I imagine a Sisyphean task of unsustainability and misery over time. But for a few minutes or hours of getting what you long for, knock yourself out.
Conscious objectification can be useful in getting exactly what you’d love. To be given permission and consent to objectify, to have willing access to your desire, is a gift. So, allow your inner control freak. Adjust, be pernickety, pick clothing, perfection and posture with clear intention. See where it takes you. I imagine a Sisyphean task of unsustainability and misery over time. But for a few minutes or hours of getting what you long for, knock yourself out.
Tarot
Each day, I use the Osho tarot deck. In the morning to see the theme of the day. In the evening, to feel the gift of the day. For my visitors, we pull cards to see what they arrive with and what they’ll leave with. The simple ritual of sharing this feels unifying and insightful in the rhythm of our days. The first card I ever pulled from my deck was The Lovers. Today it was No-thingness.
Each day, I use the Osho tarot deck. In the morning to see the theme of the day. In the evening, to feel the gift of the day. For my visitors, we pull cards to see what they arrive with and what they’ll leave with. The simple ritual of sharing this feels unifying and insightful in the rhythm of our days. The first card I ever pulled from my deck was The Lovers. Today it was No-thingness.
Three
Three minutes is a great time to try something out and not get stuck in it. There’s time to change my mind, adjust, refine, and redefine. Time to not know, space to decide, time to wait for an impulse. Time to hear yes and no and scan memory, body and longing. And there’s a moment when I finally feel what I wanted to feel and couldn’t exactly know or express ahead of time. And then to set the timer again. And again. And again.
Three minutes is a great time to try something out and not get stuck in it. There’s time to change my mind, adjust, refine, and redefine. Time to not know, space to decide, time to wait for an impulse. Time to hear yes and no and scan memory, body and longing. And there’s a moment when I finally feel what I wanted to feel and couldn’t exactly know or express ahead of time. And then to set the timer again. And again. And again.