Competition
I sat in occasional women's womb circles and heard women talking about bleeding, and the moon phases of menstrual cycles, sharing female wisdom I’ve never been privy to, nor much interested in. If asked where I was in my cycle, I made a best guess, maintaining a fraction of interest, eyes on the exit. These days, when people mention luteal phases, menstrual cycles or holding women-only circles at my place, I rarely feel a flicker of interest. Yet I know they’re undoubtedly useful spaces and I’ve valued many other aspects of sisterhood. Do I need to get over my prejudice or disinterest? I’ve wondered if it’s internalised misogyny or a reflection of androgyny? More likely, simply not as relevant as the other issues on my path to walk. I’m still just not that interested.
I sat in occasional women's womb circles and heard women talking about bleeding, and the moon phases of menstrual cycles, sharing female wisdom I’ve never been privy to, nor much interested in. If asked where I was in my cycle, I made a best guess, maintaining a fraction of interest, eyes on the exit. These days, when people mention luteal phases, menstrual cycles or holding women-only circles at my place, I rarely feel a flicker of interest. Yet I know they’re undoubtedly useful spaces and I’ve valued many other aspects of sisterhood. Do I need to get over my prejudice or disinterest? I’ve wondered if it’s internalised misogyny or a reflection of androgyny? More likely, simply not as relevant as the other issues on my path to walk. I’m still just not that interested.
Ripple
When I was a tantric masseuse, I worked on naked bodies, mostly male. Covering them in a warmed silk sarong to begin. Slowly rippling the cover off before beginning slow circuits around the body, starting from the left toes, up the body to the top of the head and back down again to the right toes. Slowly, lovingly touching the surface of skin with fingertips, hot and cold breath, fur, silk, hair, skin, allowing their energy to rise to meet the touch. The clients asked only to follow sensation, nothing focused on, nothing left out. With zero friction, pressure to please, to have an orgasm or respond to me, thoughts could gently slow, a smiling bliss emerging. The first time I’d experienced the power, space and softness of this for myself, I’d cried.
When I was a tantric masseuse, I worked on naked bodies, mostly male. Covering them in a warmed silk sarong to begin. Slowly rippling the cover off before beginning slow circuits around the body, starting from the left toes, up the body to the top of the head and back down again to the right toes. Slowly, lovingly touching the surface of skin with fingertips, hot and cold breath, fur, silk, hair, skin, allowing their energy to rise to meet the touch. The clients asked only to follow sensation, nothing focused on, nothing left out. With zero friction, pressure to please, to have an orgasm or respond to me, thoughts could gently slow, a smiling bliss emerging. The first time I’d experienced the power, space and softness of this for myself, I’d cried.
Ovary
30 years ago, I had a fallopian tube and an ovary removed after an ectopic pregnancy, and the cumulative effects of oestrogen depletion must have crept up slowly, and now feel like an assault.
30 years ago, I had a fallopian tube and an ovary removed after an ectopic pregnancy, and the cumulative effects of oestrogen depletion must have crept up slowly, and now feel like an assault.
Departure
Things fall away. First it was brushing my hair, then owning a television, designer clothes, then expensive cosmetics, the proper job, washing my hair, then milk and dairy, the ten-year relationship, the lovers that left me, the tax bracket income, the pension contributions, Tantra, savings, my UK home, the willingness to be in challenging relationships or to be a well-behaved citizen. Not all of the departures were difficult; often, the desires left me. I spent the money on flights and freedom from the corporate machine. I’m not sure life became simpler or more ethical. I’m still holding on to coffee and lip salve, the lasting vices.
Things fall away. First it was brushing my hair, then owning a television, designer clothes, then expensive cosmetics, the proper job, washing my hair, then milk and dairy, the ten-year relationship, the lovers that left me, the tax bracket income, the pension contributions, Tantra, savings, my UK home, the willingness to be in challenging relationships or to be a well-behaved citizen. Not all of the departures were difficult; often, the desires left me. I spent the money on flights and freedom from the corporate machine. I’m not sure life became simpler or more ethical. I’m still holding on to coffee and lip salve, the lasting vices.
Rescue
I know no one is coming to rescue me, though some days I heartily wish someone might. Rescue me from what? Myself. My choices. Impulsiveness. Sorrow. Can I trust myself to be the one I’ve been waiting for? Why yes. Trusting in me, in others, in circumstances and the universe. Though, as we were reminded in Dharma class, “Abandon any hope of fruition”.
I know no one is coming to rescue me, though some days I heartily wish someone might. Rescue me from what? Myself. My choices. Impulsiveness. Sorrow. Can I trust myself to be the one I’ve been waiting for? Why yes. Trusting in me, in others, in circumstances and the universe. Though, as we were reminded in Dharma class, “Abandon any hope of fruition”.
Ice
The thought of an ice bath and wild swimming repels me. I want to keep warm, not shiver my way through menopause. I had rare hot flushes, though cutting out red wine, milk, or a second coffee helped stop the cardi off and on dance. Though I missed the meno memo of cold hands and feet and the genito-urinary symptoms of menopause. So I can’t ignore the changes in my body and my genitals despite my best efforts.
The thought of an ice bath and wild swimming repels me. I want to keep warm, not shiver my way through menopause. I had rare hot flushes, though cutting out red wine, milk, or a second coffee helped stop the cardi off and on dance. Though I missed the meno memo of cold hands and feet and the genito-urinary symptoms of menopause. So I can’t ignore the changes in my body and my genitals despite my best efforts.
Subterfuge
With a history of secrecy, a little subterfuge doesn’t push too many buttons. It takes a bit of nerve, some entitlement, and a willingness to live with the amplified feelings of getting away with it: guilty, wrong, and the threat of getting caught. Illicit activity holds us to our own accountability, whatever the dodgy dealing or in-flagrante blaze. If we want something enough, we live with it till we can’t. Or get caught in the act. What makes the subterfuge worth it, and how do we find that thrill or quality in our lives more honestly?
With a history of secrecy, a little subterfuge doesn’t push too many buttons. It takes a bit of nerve, some entitlement, and a willingness to live with the amplified feelings of getting away with it: guilty, wrong, and the threat of getting caught. Illicit activity holds us to our own accountability, whatever the dodgy dealing or in-flagrante blaze. If we want something enough, we live with it till we can’t. Or get caught in the act. What makes the subterfuge worth it, and how do we find that thrill or quality in our lives more honestly?
Treasure
I’m lucky enough to be grounded and fused in dual communities. Returning home offers familiarity, comfort, and a sense of belonging, the welcome of mutual friendly loyalty. Born of knowing each other over decades or in-depth sexuality journeys, and seeing each other at low ebbs or more joyful times, builds friendship bonds we treasure. The bonds come with growing care and responsibility for ourselves and each other, held accountable with love.
I’m lucky enough to be grounded and fused in dual communities. Returning home offers familiarity, comfort, and a sense of belonging, the welcome of mutual friendly loyalty. Born of knowing each other over decades or in-depth sexuality journeys, and seeing each other at low ebbs or more joyful times, builds friendship bonds we treasure. The bonds come with growing care and responsibility for ourselves and each other, held accountable with love.
Lesson
One of the changing points in the heartbreak years was understanding how my personality had set me up for the fall from the love and grace of a once-happy relationship. Recognising my naïveté and control, superiority, and fragility yanked me out of being a victim. Accepting responsibility for creating the scenario as a soul lesson was a choice. Then I could choose differently. Even if I didn’t want to. The premise of soul lessons may not be true or a form of spiritual bypassing. Yet in that moment, choosing that way of seeing the predicament I was in, flicked a switch.
One of the changing points in the heartbreak years was understanding how my personality had set me up for the fall from the love and grace of a once-happy relationship. Recognising my naïveté and control, superiority, and fragility yanked me out of being a victim. Accepting responsibility for creating the scenario as a soul lesson was a choice. Then I could choose differently. Even if I didn’t want to. The premise of soul lessons may not be true or a form of spiritual bypassing. Yet in that moment, choosing that way of seeing the predicament I was in, flicked a switch.
Pickup
I love a random pick up in exotic places. Curious and free. The thrill of uncomplicated strangers, for brief moments of response, arousal and beauty.
I love a random pick up in exotic places. Curious and free. The thrill of uncomplicated strangers, for brief moments of response, arousal and beauty.
Decadence
I love hotel rooms, the privacy, escapism and white sheets. Erotic encounters in hotel rooms have been a troublesome yet tempting turn on; a luxury of time and intimacy, leaving the cocoon for the pleasure of a drink in an inviting golden lit bar or wandering new streets hand in hand. I miss the decadence of all of that.
I love hotel rooms, the privacy, escapism and white sheets. Erotic encounters in hotel rooms have been a troublesome yet tempting turn on; a luxury of time and intimacy, leaving the cocoon for the pleasure of a drink in an inviting golden lit bar or wandering new streets hand in hand. I miss the decadence of all of that.
Endless
Wide horizons capture my soul, the endless blues of Greek seas, and the navy grey silhouettes of mountains at dusk. There’s a silent vastness that allows my insignificance, and I’m grateful for that.
Wide horizons capture my soul, the endless blues of Greek seas, and the navy grey silhouettes of mountains at dusk. There’s a silent vastness that allows my insignificance, and I’m grateful for that.
Audacity
I’m impressed by boldness in declarations of sexual interest. Something in me perks up at the audacity of desire. I don’t necessarily want to be responsible for fulfilling it, but there’s something about the bare exposé of longing that I find exciting. And a contrast to my flickering tentativeness. From the young taxi driver who asked if I’d like to see his cock, to the older man who, after lunch, told me he wanted to fuck my brains out, to the blond tarot reader who asked me to go home with him in Mexico. My yes hides behind my shoulder blades in the propriety of no, yet secretly I’m impressed. And sometimes I say yes, not necessarily to the request, but to their audacity and my curiosity.
I’m impressed by boldness in declarations of sexual interest. Something in me perks up at the audacity of desire. I don’t necessarily want to be responsible for fulfilling it, but there’s something about the bare exposé of longing that I find exciting. And a contrast to my flickering tentativeness. From the young taxi driver who asked if I’d like to see his cock, to the older man who, after lunch, told me he wanted to fuck my brains out, to the blond tarot reader who asked me to go home with him in Mexico. My yes hides behind my shoulder blades in the propriety of no, yet secretly I’m impressed. And sometimes I say yes, not necessarily to the request, but to their audacity and my curiosity.
Rice
I always wanted an interesting life. So I’ve gone in search, changing countries, jobs and partners. So what if I’ve been running from the back streets of Bolton? There was little to stay for. The grass and the rice fields have been greener. The world has offered riches beyond imagining. Don’t be dismissed by pious cliches.
I always wanted an interesting life. So I’ve gone in search, changing countries, jobs and partners. So what if I’ve been running from the back streets of Bolton? There was little to stay for. The grass and the rice fields have been greener. The world has offered riches beyond imagining. Don’t be dismissed by pious cliches.
Thwart
I look like I’m too possessive to be in a thruple. I haven’t had enough personal attention to not feel the threat of sharing. Yet I’ve been the third person with a couple. It was much easier to be in the role of the pleasure bringer rather than the thwarted primary. And I could leave when I wanted.
I look like I’m too possessive to be in a thruple. I haven’t had enough personal attention to not feel the threat of sharing. Yet I’ve been the third person with a couple. It was much easier to be in the role of the pleasure bringer rather than the thwarted primary. And I could leave when I wanted.
Oral
Slow, restful oral sex not aiming for orgasm becomes a pleasurable meditation. Lost between thighs, the person doing it can enjoy the feelings in their mouth and drop back into themselves and sensation. With no performance objective of making someone come or trying to be affimed, everyone can relax. Pleasure can move in waves, dropping into presence and timelessness. Without pressure to climax there’s the possibility of pauses and expanding states of relaxed arousal rather than peak and drop. The distinction between giving or receiving melts away.
Slow, restful oral sex not aiming for orgasm becomes a pleasurable meditation. Lost between thighs, the person doing it can enjoy the feelings in their mouth and drop back into themselves and sensation. With no performance objective of making someone come or trying to be affimed, everyone can relax. Pleasure can move in waves, dropping into presence and timelessness. Without pressure to climax there’s the possibility of pauses and expanding states of relaxed arousal rather than peak and drop. The distinction between giving or receiving melts away.
Conduits
The body is a conduit to wisdom, pleasure and sensation. How do you know when you’re relaxed, aroused, satiated, at peace, lacking, excited or full? Our hearts and erotic psyches give us feelings, emotions and ideas, the body grounds them.
The body is a conduit to wisdom, pleasure and sensation. How do you know when you’re relaxed, aroused, satiated, at peace, lacking, excited or full? Our hearts and erotic psyches give us feelings, emotions and ideas, the body grounds them.
Pills
Sexuality is complex, and unconscious influences are at play, an inner vying for pleasure, permission & love. I dislike the term ‘spice up your sex life’ intensely; as if a new pair of pants or a packet of pills is all you need. While they may be fun, and helpful too, having sexual life that’s satisfying, supportive and permissive isn’t so easily bought.
Sexuality is complex, and unconscious influences are at play, an inner vying for pleasure, permission & love. I dislike the term ‘spice up your sex life’ intensely; as if a new pair of pants or a packet of pills is all you need. While they may be fun, and helpful too, having sexual life that’s satisfying, supportive and permissive isn’t so easily bought.