Loneliness
I’m not responsible for the loneliness epidemic. I doubt it’s gendered. There was a time I was paid well enough for erotic massages, and I enjoyed the experiences. I was kinder and curiouser. Now I haven’t got the temple or energy. Let me encourage you to find someone who has.
I’m not responsible for the loneliness epidemic. I doubt it’s gendered. There was a time I was paid well enough for erotic massages, and I enjoyed the experiences. I was kinder and curiouser. Now I haven’t got the temple or energy. Let me encourage you to find someone who has.
Chills
Being poorly this week with the chills, I haven’t had the capacity for conversations or meetings. It’s good practice not to feel guilty for not responding or saying no. Have mercy.
Being poorly this week with the chills, I haven’t had the capacity for conversations or meetings. It’s good practice not to feel guilty for not responding or saying no. Have mercy.
Rejection
When we ‘give’ what we know, or what we feel matters, it’s very puzzling when someone else doesn’t understand, need or value it. It can feel like rejection of your value/s. When you offer something you can do, yet the other person hadn't even imagined they needed or desired, it’s confusing about how to respond. If your intention was good – for you – there's nothing wrong with that, but say so.
When we ‘give’ what we know, or what we feel matters, it’s very puzzling when someone else doesn’t understand, need or value it. It can feel like rejection of your value/s. When you offer something you can do, yet the other person hadn't even imagined they needed or desired, it’s confusing about how to respond. If your intention was good – for you – there's nothing wrong with that, but say so.
Caring
A friend tied me up last week. We talked about why and what we might do, what emotional mood we were creating, and who it was for. The tying was caring and slow, my hands bound to my chest, then my calves and thighs tightly wrapped. Roping me towards myself in a feeling of secure attachment, laying me down on my side, he covered me in a blanket and stroked my hair slowly, sitting behind me so I could drift. In all of it, I was nurtured. It’s not simply about the tying but the trust. It was also rewriting my beliefs around men. To feel the care when I’m vulnerable, when I’m not being capable or seductive. There’s a chance for new stories of those roles I perceive as expected. It’s going to come in useful sooner than I imagine.
A friend tied me up last week. We talked about why and what we might do, what emotional mood we were creating, and who it was for. The tying was caring and slow, my hands bound to my chest, then my calves and thighs tightly wrapped. Roping me towards myself in a feeling of secure attachment, laying me down on my side, he covered me in a blanket and stroked my hair slowly, sitting behind me so I could drift. In all of it, I was nurtured. It’s not simply about the tying but the trust. It was also rewriting my beliefs around men. To feel the care when I’m vulnerable, when I’m not being capable or seductive. There’s a chance for new stories of those roles I perceive as expected. It’s going to come in useful sooner than I imagine.
Compartmentalise
Being in the unknown takes willingness, a certain spaciousness and acceptance. The desire for knowing and certainty is natural, yet can create its own suffering. There can be a calmness in waiting, an invitation to compartmentalise without going into catastrophising, even though the potential hovers at the edges. It can look like not feeling much. Maybe it’s just being present with the day to day rather than what can’t be known yet.
Being in the unknown takes willingness, a certain spaciousness and acceptance. The desire for knowing and certainty is natural, yet can create its own suffering. There can be a calmness in waiting, an invitation to compartmentalise without going into catastrophising, even though the potential hovers at the edges. It can look like not feeling much. Maybe it’s just being present with the day to day rather than what can’t be known yet.
Bypassing
Soul journeys begin in unlikely places. Sometimes we do the wrong thing for the right reasons and sometimes we try to do the right thing with the wrong person. It sounds like spiritual bypassing, but there are times in my life where it’s been the kinder way of seeing a painful journey; imagining my soul wanted the lesson of what love is, and isn’t. Spiritual meeting practical. Some of the ways spirit experiences living and love is through the body and mind it picked for this incarnation. A soulful erotic psyche in search of wholeness and completion. We just don’t know how that might happen.
Soul journeys begin in unlikely places. Sometimes we do the wrong thing for the right reasons and sometimes we try to do the right thing with the wrong person. It sounds like spiritual bypassing, but there are times in my life where it’s been the kinder way of seeing a painful journey; imagining my soul wanted the lesson of what love is, and isn’t. Spiritual meeting practical. Some of the ways spirit experiences living and love is through the body and mind it picked for this incarnation. A soulful erotic psyche in search of wholeness and completion. We just don’t know how that might happen.
Gone
Gone with the Wind was the first book that had kept me up all night as a teenager. Tess of the D’Urbervilles the second. Early examples of Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement. Rhett Butler frankly seemed a lot more accommodating and seductive than prissy Angel Clare. Oh dear, that explains a lot of my less wise partner choices.
Gone with the Wind was the first book that had kept me up all night as a teenager. Tess of the D’Urbervilles the second. Early examples of Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement. Rhett Butler frankly seemed a lot more accommodating and seductive than prissy Angel Clare. Oh dear, that explains a lot of my less wise partner choices.
Cry
Optimism is a virtue of my recklessness. I don’t know how to feel the bad stuff. Yet I’m not disassociated but distracted. So I must be due a good cry. Often it needs someone else to ask questions or model what I can’t completely access; less a mirror than a catalyst.
Optimism is a virtue of my recklessness. I don’t know how to feel the bad stuff. Yet I’m not disassociated but distracted. So I must be due a good cry. Often it needs someone else to ask questions or model what I can’t completely access; less a mirror than a catalyst.
Wolf
We assign meaning to our lives. It’s not a given. You choose. So to frame it as a miracle or adventure or doom and gloom pessimism are options. Which wolf do you want to feed?
We assign meaning to our lives. It’s not a given. You choose. So to frame it as a miracle or adventure or doom and gloom pessimism are options. Which wolf do you want to feed?
Ask
There are so many ways to not ask for what you want. The long list may begin with telepathy, hinting, offering, assuming, arguing, sulking, blaming, guilt tripping. There’s so many more, add your own deception or shyness. Why, and what do you do instead? Be virtuous, cheat, withdraw, refuse, be sneaky, steal touch, expect entitlement? Seriously, it’s easier, more fun & liberating to go on a Wheel of Consent course than continue all the failing strategies for the next decade.
There are so many ways to not ask for what you want. The long list may begin with telepathy, hinting, offering, assuming, arguing, sulking, blaming, guilt tripping. There’s so many more, add your own deception or shyness. Why, and what do you do instead? Be virtuous, cheat, withdraw, refuse, be sneaky, steal touch, expect entitlement? Seriously, it’s easier, more fun & liberating to go on a Wheel of Consent course than continue all the failing strategies for the next decade.
Distractions
Interesting conversations are my greatest wonderful distraction. However other Stuff with a capital S does not get done.
Interesting conversations are my greatest wonderful distraction. However other Stuff with a capital S does not get done.
Brat
I have issues with authority. Don’t you? Defiance is generally my response. Being a bratty sub is something I’d like to try. I felt a quiet, furious Fuck You when I was punished for not closing a door properly. I’m a terrible submissive when it comes to someone else’s stupid rules. I’m a terrible submissive anyway. Saying “Fuck you daddio could be fun”, I want to see what would happen. Would you put me over your knee and spank me?
I have issues with authority. Don’t you? Defiance is generally my response. Being a bratty sub is something I’d like to try. I felt a quiet, furious Fuck You when I was punished for not closing a door properly. I’m a terrible submissive when it comes to someone else’s stupid rules. I’m a terrible submissive anyway. Saying “Fuck you daddio could be fun”, I want to see what would happen. Would you put me over your knee and spank me?
Disapproval
Every so often on a tantric massage, clients would try to touch me. Despite the guidance that it was for them to receive, I’d feel their hands wandering under my sarong. I’d gently remove their wandering, wondering digits from my thoughts and thighs. Occasionally going off piste was enjoyably transgressive but I still felt guilty that I’d broken an imaginary tantric code. On some level, I didn’t approve of myself doing tantric massage. Another part of me couldn’t believe I was doing it. I loved the embodied sensuality of those free radical days, despite my disapproval.
Every so often on a tantric massage, clients would try to touch me. Despite the guidance that it was for them to receive, I’d feel their hands wandering under my sarong. I’d gently remove their wandering, wondering digits from my thoughts and thighs. Occasionally going off piste was enjoyably transgressive but I still felt guilty that I’d broken an imaginary tantric code. On some level, I didn’t approve of myself doing tantric massage. Another part of me couldn’t believe I was doing it. I loved the embodied sensuality of those free radical days, despite my disapproval.
Scaletrix
My inner child is a boy. I met him in a meditation in art therapy, and witnessed him from afar for a while. Such a cute red haired chubby innocent. He was intensely focused on his scalectrix, watching the cars go round the figure of eight track with little plastic pine trees and pit stops. When I asked him if he had a message for me, he let me know that ‘it’s okay to be fascinated’.
My inner child is a boy. I met him in a meditation in art therapy, and witnessed him from afar for a while. Such a cute red haired chubby innocent. He was intensely focused on his scalectrix, watching the cars go round the figure of eight track with little plastic pine trees and pit stops. When I asked him if he had a message for me, he let me know that ‘it’s okay to be fascinated’.
Critical
When I offer my (ahem) observations, suggestions or experience, it can feel critical. I know. I could put it down to my ‘right-angle cross of incarnation’, a human design concept that shows our purpose. Apparently, mine is ‘to make new laws’. Which is ironic given I grew up in a household where “Because I say so,” was often a response to my teenage questioning.
When I offer my (ahem) observations, suggestions or experience, it can feel critical. I know. I could put it down to my ‘right-angle cross of incarnation’, a human design concept that shows our purpose. Apparently, mine is ‘to make new laws’. Which is ironic given I grew up in a household where “Because I say so,” was often a response to my teenage questioning.
Preference
I prefer encouragement to punishment. If you haven’t worked that out, you don’t know me. If you have, I’ll do quite a lot for you.
I prefer encouragement to punishment. If you haven’t worked that out, you don’t know me. If you have, I’ll do quite a lot for you.
Pinball
What if there are different mes living on multiple timelines? Like a pinball machine, lighting up in different circuits. In one alter-alison I imagine being happily married to an accountant, with a spacious white fitted kitchen and kids at Oxbridge. In another timeline, I’m a brothel Madame. Or a geography teacher at a girls' school in the Lake District. Or an expat wife married to a diplomat in Asia. I hope I’m enjoying lighting up in the other timelines, being other Alis.
What if there are different mes living on multiple timelines? Like a pinball machine, lighting up in different circuits. In one alter-alison I imagine being happily married to an accountant, with a spacious white fitted kitchen and kids at Oxbridge. In another timeline, I’m a brothel Madame. Or a geography teacher at a girls' school in the Lake District. Or an expat wife married to a diplomat in Asia. I hope I’m enjoying lighting up in the other timelines, being other Alis.
Vainglory
Ffs! I don’t know who to be madder about: the voracious billionaires buying politicians and environmental policy, the warring, corrupt presidents, or the loser rapists drugging their partners. Vainglory, I can’t have the slightest effect on. I feel helpless and furious in equal measures, and I don’t know where to express the futility and rage. So I go about making the house beautiful, supporting the next wave of sex educators, trying to stay grounded in the unease, fear and dismay. How are we supposed to pretend that conquest is ‘success’ or that it’ll all come good, or that disaster capitalism will continue unabated? I want to cry.
Ffs! I don’t know who to be madder about: the voracious billionaires buying politicians and environmental policy, the warring, corrupt presidents, or the loser rapists drugging their partners. Vainglory, I can’t have the slightest effect on. I feel helpless and furious in equal measures, and I don’t know where to express the futility and rage. So I go about making the house beautiful, supporting the next wave of sex educators, trying to stay grounded in the unease, fear and dismay. How are we supposed to pretend that conquest is ‘success’ or that it’ll all come good, or that disaster capitalism will continue unabated? I want to cry.