Straws
Rather than cowardice, finding emotional courage to speak up requires not only the words to express ourselves, but the belief that what we want to say matters. That our expression won’t blow the show to pieces. Understanding the validity of our experiences matters. Rather than, and even when, feeling ashamed, indifferent, scared or wrong. Expressing vulnerability or dismay at others is difficult without heaping blame. Smaller unspoken words become straws to the explosive bomb of finality. I once heard ‘women can’t hear what men don’t say’, but I don’t sense it’s gendered. Keeping quiet is a safety mechanism, as saying ‘I don’t care enough’ or ‘I’ve had enough’ is hard to say, as we know it’s inexpressibly confronting to hear.
Rather than cowardice, finding emotional courage to speak up requires not only the words to express ourselves, but the belief that what we want to say matters. That our expression won’t blow the show to pieces. Understanding the validity of our experiences matters. Rather than, and even when, feeling ashamed, indifferent, scared or wrong. Expressing vulnerability or dismay at others is difficult without heaping blame. Smaller unspoken words become straws to the explosive bomb of finality. I once heard ‘women can’t hear what men don’t say’, but I don’t sense it’s gendered. Keeping quiet is a safety mechanism, as saying ‘I don’t care enough’ or ‘I’ve had enough’ is hard to say, as we know it’s inexpressibly confronting to hear.
Face
One of the most erotic experiences at TabooFest was a workshop on facial dominance. Controlling the sub by moving their face, and being controlled, was an exercise in seeing how far we could trust, take and let go with each other. Sensual erotic moments of putting my fingers in his mouth, the allowance of penetrating. Feeling his gloved fingers in my mouth, a longing to suck and swallow emerged. Lastly, the flimsy, spacious, clear plastic bags over the head, playing with each other's lives in our hands as we twisted or loosened the air supply. I’m not naturally submissive, but it’s the nearest I’ve felt to what I imagine teetering on the edge of subspace might offer. Trust is erotic.
One of the most erotic experiences at TabooFest was a workshop on facial dominance. Controlling the sub by moving their face, and being controlled, was an exercise in seeing how far we could trust, take and let go with each other. Sensual erotic moments of putting my fingers in his mouth, the allowance of penetrating. Feeling his gloved fingers in my mouth, a longing to suck and swallow emerged. Lastly, the flimsy, spacious, clear plastic bags over the head, playing with each other's lives in our hands as we twisted or loosened the air supply. I’m not naturally submissive, but it’s the nearest I’ve felt to what I imagine teetering on the edge of subspace might offer. Trust is erotic.
Quality
Am I trustworthy, principled, courageous, competent, loyal, kind, understanding, forgiving, unselfish? I don’t remember where I read this list; maybe it was a list of how to be a good partner in relationships. While being dubiously principled, perhaps I don’t do too badly on the other qualities these days.
Am I trustworthy, principled, courageous, competent, loyal, kind, understanding, forgiving, unselfish? I don’t remember where I read this list; maybe it was a list of how to be a good partner in relationships. While being dubiously principled, perhaps I don’t do too badly on the other qualities these days.
Relax
I feel rushed. In corporate life, I remember myself as a woman with car keys in her hands, always setting off slightly too late for wherever I was going, unintentional stress heaped on with careless timekeeping. It’s still like that. This summer, I want to sit on a sunbed with a compelling book for more than two mornings. Come and make me. Let’s have an iced coffee too and allow relaxation.
I feel rushed. In corporate life, I remember myself as a woman with car keys in her hands, always setting off slightly too late for wherever I was going, unintentional stress heaped on with careless timekeeping. It’s still like that. This summer, I want to sit on a sunbed with a compelling book for more than two mornings. Come and make me. Let’s have an iced coffee too and allow relaxation.
Mustard
Ordinary unhappiness is nothing to eschew. Mustard seeds freely given to understand how this unites humans in suffering. Let’s not forget unbearable beauty as recompense.
Ordinary unhappiness is nothing to eschew. Mustard seeds freely given to understand how this unites humans in suffering. Let’s not forget unbearable beauty as recompense.
Silo
Synthesis excites me, mixing ideas and possibilities across modalities. Although that runs the risk of being a jack of all trades and mistress of none, I’ll trade that rather than copying what’s always been done. For the discovery of something different, combining enthusiasms and collaborating with others feels better than staying stuck in a silo of uniformity.
Synthesis excites me, mixing ideas and possibilities across modalities. Although that runs the risk of being a jack of all trades and mistress of none, I’ll trade that rather than copying what’s always been done. For the discovery of something different, combining enthusiasms and collaborating with others feels better than staying stuck in a silo of uniformity.
Rubbish
Admitting what I’m rubbish at is quite freeing and honest. Attention to detail, commitment and completion are not my best skills. Nor is there the willingness to be with lengthy emotional processes. I’d have made a terrible counsellor. Now that you know that about me, you can tell me what you don’t like doing or aren’t good at . Let’s not burden each other with unrealistic expectations of qualities beyond our limits.
Admitting what I’m rubbish at is quite freeing and honest. Attention to detail, commitment and completion are not my best skills. Nor is there the willingness to be with lengthy emotional processes. I’d have made a terrible counsellor. Now that you know that about me, you can tell me what you don’t like doing or aren’t good at . Let’s not burden each other with unrealistic expectations of qualities beyond our limits.
Astonishment
I still love the feeling of astonishment when things turn out better than I might have imagined, hoped or planned.
I still love the feeling of astonishment when things turn out better than I might have imagined, hoped or planned.
Trash
“Don’t trash your experience with your mind.” Another of my tantra teacher’s memorable phrases. Regrets after the fact, reassessing what we enjoyed, agreed to, or went along with, may take us nowhere. The deed is done, that ship sailed. If we enjoyed or benefited from the experience, where’s the value in trashing? It’s been hard not to do that after choices I made where my body liked what was happening, yet my onlooking head was shaking in disbelief, or my heart was elsewhere. Sigh. Sometimes we just don’t want yet another ‘lesson’. Courage, mon brave. Keeping shame at bay, owning our agency, perhaps the best we can do is try to be wiser next time.
“Don’t trash your experience with your mind.” Another of my tantra teacher’s memorable phrases. Regrets after the fact, reassessing what we enjoyed, agreed to, or went along with, may take us nowhere. The deed is done, that ship sailed. If we enjoyed or benefited from the experience, where’s the value in trashing? It’s been hard not to do that after choices I made where my body liked what was happening, yet my onlooking head was shaking in disbelief, or my heart was elsewhere. Sigh. Sometimes we just don’t want yet another ‘lesson’. Courage, mon brave. Keeping shame at bay, owning our agency, perhaps the best we can do is try to be wiser next time.
Enquiry
Unlike some of my friends for whom every feeling is a depth probe, I’m too busy to give emotions much attention.. Often I have to be asked a question to sense into what I feel. Despite years of somatic work, while I’m better at noticing sensations in the body, feeling emotions has been a piecing together. I think my feelings. In the Non Violent Communication lists, I found names for the different degrees of doubt, anger, pain, disquiet, consternation, unsureness, and dismay. Giving names to feelings, and then trying to figure out if or where I feel them, is an undertaking. It usually comes back to my heart, a place I’m less familiar with. Finding fractures of sensitivity, with a vulnerability I don’t have the inner permission to speak.
Unlike some of my friends for whom every feeling is a depth probe, I’m too busy to give emotions much attention.. Often I have to be asked a question to sense into what I feel. Despite years of somatic work, while I’m better at noticing sensations in the body, feeling emotions has been a piecing together. I think my feelings. In the Non Violent Communication lists, I found names for the different degrees of doubt, anger, pain, disquiet, consternation, unsureness, and dismay. Giving names to feelings, and then trying to figure out if or where I feel them, is an undertaking. It usually comes back to my heart, a place I’m less familiar with. Finding fractures of sensitivity, with a vulnerability I don’t have the inner permission to speak.
Battle
My superiority and inferiority complexes battle it out in my brain. The know-it-all bickering with ‘who do you think you are?’ Underpinned by the idealist versus the inner critic, any wishful certitude is undermined by doubtful rumination, each wrestling with angels for my attention. The best I can do is go ahead anyway.
My superiority and inferiority complexes battle it out in my brain. The know-it-all bickering with ‘who do you think you are?’ Underpinned by the idealist versus the inner critic, any wishful certitude is undermined by doubtful rumination, each wrestling with angels for my attention. The best I can do is go ahead anyway.
Litany
Personality is tricky. It’s not all of who we are, yet it’s what we’re contending with on a daily basis. Self- improving can feel fruitless, especially if you’re of the view that you’re perfect as you are, and everyone else is wrong. Nice idea. Until a crisis hits or a series of failed relationships. These are choice points in our lives where we can happily continue blaming others, or realise it might not be them after all. If a fall from grace is inevitable, we might as well make it worthwhile to assess our part in the litany.
Personality is tricky. It’s not all of who we are, yet it’s what we’re contending with on a daily basis. Self- improving can feel fruitless, especially if you’re of the view that you’re perfect as you are, and everyone else is wrong. Nice idea. Until a crisis hits or a series of failed relationships. These are choice points in our lives where we can happily continue blaming others, or realise it might not be them after all. If a fall from grace is inevitable, we might as well make it worthwhile to assess our part in the litany.
Bias
Love is troublesome. Then it’s joyous and full of possibility. And then it’s troublesome or disappointing again. Like life, staying optimistic in the myth of romance is a privilege of bias.
Love is troublesome. Then it’s joyous and full of possibility. And then it’s troublesome or disappointing again. Like life, staying optimistic in the myth of romance is a privilege of bias.
Preen
I’ve recently discovered that hearing “clever girl’ has a charge, I feel preeny, encouraged and smart. Childhood wounds surface in surprising ways.
I’ve recently discovered that hearing “clever girl’ has a charge, I feel preeny, encouraged and smart. Childhood wounds surface in surprising ways.
Drive
I don’t trust ardour anymore. If someone shows up all keen, I assume trauma bonding and pop the balloon of chemistry. I’ve stopped believing in attraction. Yet the occasional noticing that I’ve perked up and feel alive with sexual relevance is a reminder of what used to be fun and a driving force. It’s not sex drive though, it’s something grounded below that. Recognition.
I don’t trust ardour anymore. If someone shows up all keen, I assume trauma bonding and pop the balloon of chemistry. I’ve stopped believing in attraction. Yet the occasional noticing that I’ve perked up and feel alive with sexual relevance is a reminder of what used to be fun and a driving force. It’s not sex drive though, it’s something grounded below that. Recognition.
Submission
Is it worthwhile to explain my understanding of the difference between a man ‘in service’ and a man ‘in submission’? I’d take the former any day. A man in service is there to do what I want, though he has the power to say no. With a man in submission it’s the opposite. The Domme is in service to them. It looks like the Domme is in charge either way, yet there’s a subtle, vital difference. It’s back to the key question, “Who is it for?” With a man in service, it’s for me, with a man in submission, it’s ultimately for them; but they want to believe it’s for the Domme.
Is it worthwhile to explain my understanding of the difference between a man ‘in service’ and a man ‘in submission’? I’d take the former any day. A man in service is there to do what I want, though he has the power to say no. With a man in submission it’s the opposite. The Domme is in service to them. It looks like the Domme is in charge either way, yet there’s a subtle, vital difference. It’s back to the key question, “Who is it for?” With a man in service, it’s for me, with a man in submission, it’s ultimately for them; but they want to believe it’s for the Domme.
Twin
And then there’s Tarot. What lost girl doesn’t love a bit of tarot? Online at night through the bad years, listening to twin flames and soulmate readings. None of it was useful apart from showing me my lostness and willingness to believe in almost anything. And I enjoyed it. Better than tech bro YouTube videos about productivity. Arguably, they may have been better for business, yet mysticism held more appeal for my lonely heart. YouTube Tarot is cheap and hopeful.
Ride
Exploring sexuality is a hard ride, if you can sort that out, you can pretty much sort anything else out. Impossibly tough at times, I’m grateful for it now; I see how even my noble adversaries were a gift.
Exploring sexuality is a hard ride, if you can sort that out, you can pretty much sort anything else out. Impossibly tough at times, I’m grateful for it now; I see how even my noble adversaries were a gift.
Easy
It’s easy to be inspired to change, and easy to be overwhelmed by the choice of teachings. Start somewhere. Your life is yours. Make it so; as far as you can. Allow yourself to be pulled by the direction of your soul’s longing.
It’s easy to be inspired to change, and easy to be overwhelmed by the choice of teachings. Start somewhere. Your life is yours. Make it so; as far as you can. Allow yourself to be pulled by the direction of your soul’s longing.