Dedication
Meeting other people who have taken a sexuality journey reassures me. Of their awareness, dedication and solidity. They know about their shadows and the trials of pursuing pleasure activism. They’ve tackled obstacles to release shame, shyness and manipulation. I find such openness and doubt refreshing. They have clear boundaries, and honesty and bravery in creating connections. In the care to establish consent, I trust their consideration of others and self.
Meeting other people who have taken a sexuality journey reassures me. Of their awareness, dedication and solidity. They know about their shadows and the trials of pursuing pleasure activism. They’ve tackled obstacles to release shame, shyness and manipulation. I find such openness and doubt refreshing. They have clear boundaries, and honesty and bravery in creating connections. In the care to establish consent, I trust their consideration of others and self.
Rage
I have little respect for anger. I don’t even acknowledge it in me. What’s the point? It doesn’t change anything and it’s a failure of not having sorted issues out way back down the track. Yet other people see rage as sacred. I’d love to feel sanctimonious about rage, yet I feel indifferent. Anger scares me, yours and mine. I don’t want to be on the receiving end of it and I don’t believe in its effectiveness. When I’ve expressed anger no-one cared, nothing changed. Did I feel better? No, it still felt like failure. So I do low level anger like contempt, irritation or disappearance. Not often. But quiet fury is decisive fuel. The only time anger felt satisfying was when I acted it out with kind people I wasn’t angry with. Seeing the power of it; cold, pure, murderous, cutting. If only I had the courage in real life.
I have little respect for anger. I don’t even acknowledge it in me. What’s the point? It doesn’t change anything and it’s a failure of not having sorted issues out way back down the track. Yet other people see rage as sacred. I’d love to feel sanctimonious about rage, yet I feel indifferent. Anger scares me, yours and mine. I don’t want to be on the receiving end of it and I don’t believe in its effectiveness. When I’ve expressed anger no-one cared, nothing changed. Did I feel better? No, it still felt like failure. So I do low level anger like contempt, irritation or disappearance. Not often. But quiet fury is decisive fuel. The only time anger felt satisfying was when I acted it out with kind people I wasn’t angry with. Seeing the power of it; cold, pure, murderous, cutting. If only I had the courage in real life.
Play
I’ve avoided inner child work. Without trying them so only based on my innate prejudice, I avoid the therapeutic offerings that are supposed to be playful, ergo foolish. I’m too cool for clowning, too grown up to play, and my inner child would rather read a book.
I’ve avoided inner child work. Without trying them so only based on my innate prejudice, I avoid the therapeutic offerings that are supposed to be playful, ergo foolish. I’m too cool for clowning, too grown up to play, and my inner child would rather read a book.
Scraps
I feel for men, I really do. Women break away sooner, once they realise they’re in chains or oestrogen levels drop. And patriarchy is screwing everyone over. Defensiveness, denial or distraction are futile. Why maintain and uphold a failing system for scraps of male privilege or rapid ejaculation? So if a few minutes of friction, or faction, is all you want, then it’s a miserly interpretation of power. And pleasure.
I feel for men, I really do. Women break away sooner, once they realise they’re in chains or oestrogen levels drop. And patriarchy is screwing everyone over. Defensiveness, denial or distraction are futile. Why maintain and uphold a failing system for scraps of male privilege or rapid ejaculation? So if a few minutes of friction, or faction, is all you want, then it’s a miserly interpretation of power. And pleasure.
Two
Seeing friendly couples makes me smile. Seeing them support and enjoy each other is a delight. I often ask what makes it work. Often, besides shared values, it’s the right amount of closeness and distance, space together and apart. Contrastingly, I’ve met functioning couples who want close attention, to witness, share and be emotionally entwined. So if there’s no one right way, you do two.
Seeing friendly couples makes me smile. Seeing them support and enjoy each other is a delight. I often ask what makes it work. Often, besides shared values, it’s the right amount of closeness and distance, space together and apart. Contrastingly, I’ve met functioning couples who want close attention, to witness, share and be emotionally entwined. So if there’s no one right way, you do two.
Fine
My nervous system is fine, thanks. I’m not triggered but maybe I am irritated, sad, upset, excited, anticipatory, alive. I’m always curious about what we think might be possible for calmness when living life. Since when did having a soothed nervous system become a status symbol or is it a modern wellness tyranny? Passing on the responsibility for this to the individual, when too many anxieties are societally induced. It’s too much to expect to have permanent Buddha-like zen vibes unless you lie in that mythical cave. Back in the market place, the task is to be aware, and to use that awareness to know when to withdraw, drop out, dodge the bullets of unsuitable relationships, find ways to detach from unnecessary expectations, and ultimately make wiser choices.
My nervous system is fine, thanks. I’m not triggered but maybe I am irritated, sad, upset, excited, anticipatory, alive. I’m always curious about what we think might be possible for calmness when living life. Since when did having a soothed nervous system become a status symbol or is it a modern wellness tyranny? Passing on the responsibility for this to the individual, when too many anxieties are societally induced. It’s too much to expect to have permanent Buddha-like zen vibes unless you lie in that mythical cave. Back in the market place, the task is to be aware, and to use that awareness to know when to withdraw, drop out, dodge the bullets of unsuitable relationships, find ways to detach from unnecessary expectations, and ultimately make wiser choices.
Velocity
Accomplishing sex feats isn’t all about the bucket list. Making up for lost time is one thing, but moving through tick lists without emotion, runs out of velocity. The wonder of encounters is allowing surprise, joy and pleasure. Yet a first meeting is often fraught with telepathy, silently working out what’s expected. It’s not only consent that matters, is there a feeling that any intimacy can be paused, changed, stopped without rancour or wheedling? I’ve had first encounters where I’ve wondered what’s happening? I’m confused, as if some performance objective is going on behind the scenes. The pressure to have an orgasm for someone else’s validation, takes the fun out of it.
Accomplishing sex feats isn’t all about the bucket list. Making up for lost time is one thing, but moving through tick lists without emotion, runs out of velocity. The wonder of encounters is allowing surprise, joy and pleasure. Yet a first meeting is often fraught with telepathy, silently working out what’s expected. It’s not only consent that matters, is there a feeling that any intimacy can be paused, changed, stopped without rancour or wheedling? I’ve had first encounters where I’ve wondered what’s happening? I’m confused, as if some performance objective is going on behind the scenes. The pressure to have an orgasm for someone else’s validation, takes the fun out of it.
PhD
I could have paid for a PhD at Harvard with the money I spent on sexuality trainings. I doubt it’d have been so much fun or as useful as the lived experience. Better paid outcomes, perhaps.
I could have paid for a PhD at Harvard with the money I spent on sexuality trainings. I doubt it’d have been so much fun or as useful as the lived experience. Better paid outcomes, perhaps.
Forgive
While forgiveness is graceful, I wonder if acceptance is enough? Some mistakes are better not forgiven as they prematurely make us or others feel better, while the hurt remains. Forgiveness means one person has the largesse to forgive. Somehow, taking the moral high ground that there’s always a right way to behave. That happens to be theirs.
While forgiveness is graceful, I wonder if acceptance is enough? Some mistakes are better not forgiven as they prematurely make us or others feel better, while the hurt remains. Forgiveness means one person has the largesse to forgive. Somehow, taking the moral high ground that there’s always a right way to behave. That happens to be theirs.
Cooperative
There’s something about collectively coming together to learn or create that feels more equal than hierarchical. Four decades ago, I trained as a social studies teacher. We chose to teach each other in a democratic cooperative style, with two old hippy course leaders. I loved that style of learning. I was an open door, influencing my inherent anti-authority beliefs. From an early upbringing of a ‘do as I say’ parent, I’ve been asking Why ever since.
There’s something about collectively coming together to learn or create that feels more equal than hierarchical. Four decades ago, I trained as a social studies teacher. We chose to teach each other in a democratic cooperative style, with two old hippy course leaders. I loved that style of learning. I was an open door, influencing my inherent anti-authority beliefs. From an early upbringing of a ‘do as I say’ parent, I’ve been asking Why ever since.
Turbulence
My Tantra teacher used to say to us, “If you can’t play with it, it’s got you.” Later, I delved into, then played with the issues that had got me into a tantric turbulence. So I could own my shadows rather than hide them from myself and others. These days, there’s a wry smile as I confess my control, possessiveness or avoidance issues over dinner. Best to be upfront. If I’d never gone there, they’d still be running the shop and relationships. Yet, you never know who’ll appreciate them.
My Tantra teacher used to say to us, “If you can’t play with it, it’s got you.” Later, I delved into, then played with the issues that had got me into a tantric turbulence. So I could own my shadows rather than hide them from myself and others. These days, there’s a wry smile as I confess my control, possessiveness or avoidance issues over dinner. Best to be upfront. If I’d never gone there, they’d still be running the shop and relationships. Yet, you never know who’ll appreciate them.
Volcano
When I have a big idea, I have to leave home. I wrote 50,000 words in 2 months in 25-minute chunks, in a tiny Balinese village where I hardly met anyone. Living at Amrita cafe, with a view of rice fields and Mount Agung, I knew myself differently, deeply immersed, open and absorbed. There isn’t a time I don’t long to return to that flow and the volcano view from my desk. Little and medium ideas are welcome too. In everyday life, I still use a timer set for 25 minutes, leaving the house for a cafe with an endless horizon view.
When I have a big idea, I have to leave home. I wrote 50,000 words in 2 months in 25-minute chunks, in a tiny Balinese village where I hardly met anyone. Living at Amrita cafe, with a view of rice fields and Mount Agung, I knew myself differently, deeply immersed, open and absorbed. There isn’t a time I don’t long to return to that flow and the volcano view from my desk. Little and medium ideas are welcome too. In everyday life, I still use a timer set for 25 minutes, leaving the house for a cafe with an endless horizon view.
Penance
Dirty talk can be hit and miss. Strike the wrong note in stealth, and it can kill a mood; hit the right tone, and it can rocket the eroticism skyward. Discussing the edgy words before trying them out is more useful than guesswork. Calling me ‘good girl’ makes the brat in me bristle; an encouraging ‘clever girl’ makes me smile. Though it was intoning the words “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned,” kneeling in front of a role-playing priest, that turned the eroticism from zero to hot in the time it would have taken to say a few Hail Marys. Let’s talk about penance. Hallelujah.
Dirty talk can be hit and miss. Strike the wrong note in stealth, and it can kill a mood; hit the right tone, and it can rocket the eroticism skyward. Discussing the edgy words before trying them out is more useful than guesswork. Calling me ‘good girl’ makes the brat in me bristle; an encouraging ‘clever girl’ makes me smile. Though it was intoning the words “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned,” kneeling in front of a role-playing priest, that turned the eroticism from zero to hot in the time it would have taken to say a few Hail Marys. Let’s talk about penance. Hallelujah.
Lamplight
Re-finding silence is lovely. I’ve not had a TV for years; I mostly listen to music in the car. My creativity wants alone, quiet time. In time for reflection, there’s space to be inspired, to notice, to take things in, to consider ideas. Rather than morning pages, I mull over questions in evening pages, writing to the Greek gods, guides and angels, asking questions and listening to answers. Who knows who or what makes up the inner guidance, but the practice of emptying my day onto the page by lamplight is reassuringly, soothingly worthwhile.
Re-finding silence is lovely. I’ve not had a TV for years; I mostly listen to music in the car. My creativity wants alone, quiet time. In time for reflection, there’s space to be inspired, to notice, to take things in, to consider ideas. Rather than morning pages, I mull over questions in evening pages, writing to the Greek gods, guides and angels, asking questions and listening to answers. Who knows who or what makes up the inner guidance, but the practice of emptying my day onto the page by lamplight is reassuringly, soothingly worthwhile.
Opium
How am I going to die? “Find the opium dealers,” was one friend’s advice to help with the existential dread of suffering. There’s a first and last time for everything.
How am I going to die? “Find the opium dealers,” was one friend’s advice to help with the existential dread of suffering. There’s a first and last time for everything.
Criteria
Unconsciously controlling is a way to keep love at a distance. When love has to meet criteria, how can it be unconditional? That’s not to be confused with a relationship, where it's valuable to be discerning.
Unconsciously controlling is a way to keep love at a distance. When love has to meet criteria, how can it be unconditional? That’s not to be confused with a relationship, where it's valuable to be discerning.
Inheritance
Having parents you don’t want to be like is a strong motivation for change. Stepping out of expectations of shared inherited values is a liberation and a loss. Exile is confusing, at least at the beginning. I ran a long way to freedom. It’s a long road back to reconciliation. To stand in their shoes, to soften, to understand that in their situation, how else would I have done differently?
Having parents you don’t want to be like is a strong motivation for change. Stepping out of expectations of shared inherited values is a liberation and a loss. Exile is confusing, at least at the beginning. I ran a long way to freedom. It’s a long road back to reconciliation. To stand in their shoes, to soften, to understand that in their situation, how else would I have done differently?
Impact
What impact do you want to have? When folx talk about leaving a legacy, it feels grandiose. Yet if we’re always radiating an effect, how do you want to be known? For influencing kindness or meanness, pettiness, pragmatism, idealism, reliability or trouble? Impact doesn’t have to be a driving force; it’s happening anyway. How do you want to be known and what for?
What impact do you want to have? When folx talk about leaving a legacy, it feels grandiose. Yet if we’re always radiating an effect, how do you want to be known? For influencing kindness or meanness, pettiness, pragmatism, idealism, reliability or trouble? Impact doesn’t have to be a driving force; it’s happening anyway. How do you want to be known and what for?
Catalyst
I’ve been through three divorces, none of them mine. A catalyst rather than a cause. Who wouldn’t want an oasis of kindness and pleasure after marital misery?
I’ve been through three divorces, none of them mine. A catalyst rather than a cause. Who wouldn’t want an oasis of kindness and pleasure after marital misery?