Poignant
If I thought too much about what I don’t allow myself to miss, or what I haven’t had that I’ve wanted, what I’ve chosen might be ash. The samsara of chasing pleasure while maintaining privilege feels compelling, yet is impermanently satisfying. Isn’t it poignant to be awed by how life turns out, while sadness hovers at the edges about what didn’t?
If I thought too much about what I don’t allow myself to miss, or what I haven’t had that I’ve wanted, what I’ve chosen might be ash. The samsara of chasing pleasure while maintaining privilege feels compelling, yet is impermanently satisfying. Isn’t it poignant to be awed by how life turns out, while sadness hovers at the edges about what didn’t?
Ikigai
Ikigai is mid point where what we can offer, what we love, what the world needs, what we’re good at, and what we can get paid for meet. The Sex Lectures came out of this concept, creating an accessible and acceptable way to learn about possibilities for varied sexual expression. I ponder now what the world needs that I can offer? I sense it’s connection. In our increasingly fragmenting society of isolating individualism, meeting trusted companions and allies who look out for each other is precious. In the absence of reliable family, friends who offer support, and who witness our difficult and joyful moments encourage us and rein in our self-destructive tendencies. Knowing who we can rely on, and who loves us matters. Experiencing that, however briefly, fills enough of our hope cup up.
Ikigai is mid point where what we can offer, what we love, what the world needs, what we’re good at, and what we can get paid for meet. The Sex Lectures came out of this concept, creating an accessible and acceptable way to learn about possibilities for varied sexual expression. I ponder now what the world needs that I can offer? I sense it’s connection. In our increasingly fragmenting society of isolating individualism, meeting trusted companions and allies who look out for each other is precious. In the absence of reliable family, friends who offer support, and who witness our difficult and joyful moments encourage us and rein in our self-destructive tendencies. Knowing who we can rely on, and who loves us matters. Experiencing that, however briefly, fills enough of our hope cup up.
Haunted
A clairvoyant told me I’d publish two books in my lifetime. A soul reader said I had to fulfil my potential. Inspiring as hearing those were, both haunt me. Distractions feel pressing. While I say I want to spend time on pitching a book, the daily grind of how to present as a functioning person in the world, stay connected, and pay overheads, pull my attention. It might seem a nice Greek problem to have right now yet finding the physical and mental space to focus purely on that potential seems elusive.
A clairvoyant told me I’d publish two books in my lifetime. A soul reader said I had to fulfil my potential. Inspiring as hearing those were, both haunt me. Distractions feel pressing. While I say I want to spend time on pitching a book, the daily grind of how to present as a functioning person in the world, stay connected, and pay overheads, pull my attention. It might seem a nice Greek problem to have right now, yet finding the physical and mental space to focus purely on that potential seems elusive.
Rueful
I feel rueful in a room of happy couples. It’s a rare event as I move in less traditional worlds where attachment is more troubled. While I know it’s not always easy to maintain relationships, the acknowledgment of what is absent or may be yet possible brings sorrow as well as admiration.
I feel rueful in a room of happy couples. It’s a rare event as I move in less traditional worlds where attachment is more troubled. While I know it’s not always easy to maintain relationships, the acknowledgment of what is absent or may be yet possible brings sorrow as well as admiration.
Disarming
I hate being told what to do. Being restricted from something my heart would love is painfully frustrating. Meeting new legal obstacles shows me how I’m still fighting for my outcomes, my vision, my way of creating things. My anti-authoritarian wants to run to illegality, contradicting the charming, disarming strategies of a better behaved me who doesn’t want to get fined. Swimming upstream will be counterproductive, so I need to follow where the current flows.
I hate being told what to do. Being restricted from something my heart would love is painfully frustrating. Meeting new legal obstacles shows me how I’m still fighting for my outcomes, my vision, my way of creating things. My anti-authoritarian wants to run to illegality, contradicting the charming, disarming strategies of a better behaved me who doesn’t want to get fined. Swimming upstream will be counterproductive, so I need to follow where the current flows.
Ignore
Permission to be ourselves - integrated, curious and free - requires self-awareness as well as self-interest; Embodiment, inspiration, sexual intelligence, ruthlessness and communication are key ingredients. I’m not sure where that leaves romance, attraction and chemistry which ask us to temporarily ignore the lot.
Permission to be ourselves - integrated, curious and free - requires self-awareness as well as self-interest; Embodiment, inspiration, sexual intelligence, ruthlessness and communication are key ingredients. I’m not sure where that leaves romance, attraction and chemistry which ask us to temporarily ignore the lot.
Island
I’ve long had a fantasy of a relationship being like a little tropical island in a warm sea. Where the main relationship lives with love, easiness and constancy, in a hut surrounded by palm trees, with a big hammock for two. A relationship that allows for one or the other to swim off now and then, to a workshop, to an old lover or friend, to allow for what’s been before to remain important. With no threat, encompassing acceptance of lives and intimacy lived before, intimacy that has mattered and been supportive. There’s a constancy to the island centre that allows peaceful time alone, and delight in knowing the anchor lover will return.
I’ve long had a fantasy of a relationship being like a little tropical island in a warm sea. Where the main relationship lives with love, easiness and constancy, in a hut surrounded by palm trees, with a big hammock for two. A relationship that allows for one or the other to swim off now and then, to a workshop, to an old lover or friend, to allow for what’s been before to remain important. With no threat, encompassing acceptance of lives and intimacy lived before, intimacy that has mattered and been supportive. There’s a constancy to the island centre that allows peaceful time alone, and delight in knowing the anchor lover will return.
Scream
I lived in Albania during the pandemic. Knowing no one for 90 days was freeing until I was assaulted on an empty beach. Screaming and fighting saved me; I wouldn’t shut up, and the guy eventually gave up. Besides his gold-crowned teeth, the weirdest feeling I remember was how he passed me my keys and boots, politely helping after he’d thrust his hand in my knickers. Unbelievable. I daren’t imagine what would have happened if I’d frozen instead.
I lived in Albania during the pandemic. Knowing no one for 90 days was freeing until I was assaulted on an empty beach. Screaming and fighting saved me; I wouldn’t shut up, and the guy eventually gave up. Besides his gold-crowned teeth, the weirdest feeling I remember was how he passed me my keys and boots, politely helping after he’d thrust his hand in my knickers. Unbelievable. I daren’t imagine what would have happened if I’d frozen instead.
Perverse
Difficult relationships, in a perverse way, can teach us about healthy ones. So in that sense, it's never a failure when a challenging relationship ends. While easy to mourn the good we once had, the loss of love and a dream, we become free from an intolerable future. Recognising what we need and couldn't possibly receive eventually stops us from going back to the same wastelands looking for honey.
Difficult relationships, in a perverse way, can teach us about healthy ones. So in that sense, it's never a failure when a challenging relationship ends. While easy to mourn the good we once had, the loss of love and a dream, we become free from an intolerable future. Recognising what we need and couldn't possibly receive eventually stops us from going back to the same wastelands looking for honey.
Turtle
Last week in dharma class, we were reminded that the chances of existing in this human form take the odds of a deep-sea turtle coming up from the bottom of a fathomless, expansive ocean once in a thousand years to surface through a random floating rubber ring. With that in mind, let me be total today, letting go of minor vexations to see the miracle of the other humans who also made those turtle odds.
Last week in dharma class, we were reminded that the chances of existing in this human form take the odds of a deep-sea turtle coming up from the bottom of a fathomless, expansive ocean once in a thousand years to surface through a random floating rubber ring. With that in mind, let me be total today, letting go of minor vexations to see the miracle of the other humans who also made those turtle odds.
Exhausting
My planning brain loves the future. When I get there, it’s exhausting what I thought I was capable of.
My planning brain loves the future. When I get there, it’s exhausting what I thought I was capable of.
Pull
How do we not turn into our parents? I strove for years not to behave like mine. Yet the gene pull is strong, and I’m seeing them in the mirror. Seeing the fragility and humanity in their ageing softens our conflicts at last and in the end, acceptance.
How do we not turn into our parents? I strove for years not to behave like mine. Yet the gene pull is strong, and I’m seeing them in the mirror. Seeing the fragility and humanity in their ageing softens our conflicts at last and in the end, acceptance.
Blind
Recognising blind spots is hard without gentle or not-so-gentle friends pushed to their limits of tolerance. What sounds like harsh criticism can become a guide. Decades ago, a friend said to me, “You’re like a stuck record” about the boyfriend I was complaining about at the time. It felt hurtful. Hard to hear yet necessary, as she was right and it was boring, critical and disloyal of me.
Recognising blind spots is hard without gentle or not-so-gentle friends pushed to their limits of tolerance. What sounds like harsh criticism can become a guide. Decades ago, a friend said to me, “You’re like a stuck record” about the boyfriend I was complaining about at the time. It felt hurtful. Hard to hear yet necessary, as she was right and it was boring, critical and disloyal of me.
Ex
We’re unreliable with ourselves around exes. Yet admitting to appreciating or longing for the familiar, without the expectation of future entanglement, can be a friendly reminder of what remains good.
We’re unreliable with ourselves around exes. Yet admitting to appreciating or longing for the familiar, without the expectation of future entanglement, can be a friendly reminder of what remains good.
Ox
I’ve joined a Tibetan Buddhist dharma class, and last week we were looking at some guides for life. My favourite slogan was ‘Don’t load the ox with the cow’s burden’.
I’ve joined a Tibetan Buddhist dharma class, and last week we were looking at some guides for life. My favourite slogan was ‘Don’t load the ox with the cow’s burden’.
Matter
If nothing matters and there’s no free will, how do I not care what happens to me? I don’t know whether that’s depressing or ultimately liberating. Yet every day, there are decisions to make, forks in paths where I’m called to make a choice, some of which seem like they matter.
If nothing matters and there’s no free will, how do I not care what happens to me? I don’t know whether that’s depressing or ultimately liberating. Yet every day, there are decisions to make, forks in paths where I’m called to make a choice, some of which seem like they matter.
Unfortunately
You don’t need to apologise for your preferences and needs being more important than mine. Good. I’m glad you have your own life, choices and plans. Yet if you really do think it’s unfortunate, maybe it's time to wriggle out of some of your obligations and follow what you’d love.
You don’t need to apologise for your preferences and needs being more important than mine. Good. I’m glad you have your own life, choices and plans. Yet if you really do think it’s unfortunate, maybe it's time to wriggle out of some of your obligations and follow what you’d love.
Peel
I love reusing and recycling. It’s a creative response ~ to not enough cash, and a wish to change the fallacy of needing new or matching. As I collect sticks for kindling, dry orange peels on the fire, or fill the compost, I ponder how to make something useful or beautiful out of what’s around. It’s a tiny effort amidst greenwashing, shifting the waste of late-stage capitalism to the individual instead of corporations. I know this, and I feel foolish sorting bottle tops. Yet consuming less and reusing more has its own satisfaction. Even if the scent of bitter orange peel reminds me of the futility of unrequited idealism, there’s still a warm sweetness.
I love reusing and recycling. It’s a creative response ~ to not enough cash, and a wish to change the fallacy of needing new or matching. As I collect sticks for kindling, dry orange peels on the fire, or fill the compost, I ponder how to make something useful or beautiful out of what’s around. It’s a tiny effort amidst greenwashing, shifting the waste of late-stage capitalism to the individual instead of corporations. I know this, and I feel foolish sorting bottle tops. Yet consuming less and reusing more has its own satisfaction. Even if the scent of bitter orange peel reminds me of the futility of unrequited idealism, there’s still a warm sweetness.
Crack
HRT is like crack cocaine for menopause. I have no idea how my contemporaries who don't take it manage to get out of bed or achieve anything. A day without a patch has zero forward motion or optimism. I’m hooked, and the prospect of an oestrogenless future is fearful. It’s masking, making life doable enough and addictive enough that life without it might feel like falling off a cliff. I’m gratefully in love with my captor.
HRT is like crack cocaine for menopause. I have no idea how my contemporaries who don't take it manage to get out of bed or achieve anything. A day without a patch has zero forward motion or optimism. I’m hooked, and the prospect of an oestrogenless future is fearful. It’s masking, making life doable enough and addictive enough that life without it might feel like falling off a cliff. I’m gratefully in love with my captor.