Stopped
Beauty is redemptive. Seeking it allows wonder and relaxation. Lost in rapture, safe for a moment beyond hypervigilance, the world drops away for a moment in time. In front of a stunning painting, a distant blue horizon, or turning a bend in the road, weak sunlight through the reeds after a storm. I love being stopped in my tracks, pulled out of my thoughts and reminded to be glad.
Beauty is redemptive. Seeking it allows wonder and relaxation. Lost in rapture, safe for a moment beyond hypervigilance, the world drops away for a moment in time. In front of a stunning painting, a distant blue horizon, or turning a bend in the road, weak sunlight through the reeds after a storm. I love being stopped in my tracks, pulled out of my thoughts and reminded to be glad.
Objectify
Conscious objectification can be useful in getting exactly what you’d love. To be given permission and consent to objectify, to have willing access to your desire, is a gift. So, allow your inner control freak. Adjust, be pernickety, pick clothing, perfection and posture with clear intention. See where it takes you. I imagine a Sisyphean task of unsustainability and misery over time. But for a few minutes or hours of getting what you long for, knock yourself out.
Conscious objectification can be useful in getting exactly what you’d love. To be given permission and consent to objectify, to have willing access to your desire, is a gift. So, allow your inner control freak. Adjust, be pernickety, pick clothing, perfection and posture with clear intention. See where it takes you. I imagine a Sisyphean task of unsustainability and misery over time. But for a few minutes or hours of getting what you long for, knock yourself out.
Tarot
Each day, I use the Osho tarot deck. In the morning to see the theme of the day. In the evening, to feel the gift of the day. For my visitors, we pull cards to see what they arrive with and what they’ll leave with. The simple ritual of sharing this feels unifying and insightful in the rhythm of our days. The first card I ever pulled from my deck was The Lovers. Today it was No-thingness.
Each day, I use the Osho tarot deck. In the morning to see the theme of the day. In the evening, to feel the gift of the day. For my visitors, we pull cards to see what they arrive with and what they’ll leave with. The simple ritual of sharing this feels unifying and insightful in the rhythm of our days. The first card I ever pulled from my deck was The Lovers. Today it was No-thingness.
Three
Three minutes is a great time to try something out and not get stuck in it. There’s time to change my mind, adjust, refine, and redefine. Time to not know, space to decide, time to wait for an impulse. Time to hear yes and no and scan memory, body and longing. And there’s a moment when I finally feel what I wanted to feel and couldn’t exactly know or express ahead of time. And then to set the timer again. And again. And again.
Three minutes is a great time to try something out and not get stuck in it. There’s time to change my mind, adjust, refine, and redefine. Time to not know, space to decide, time to wait for an impulse. Time to hear yes and no and scan memory, body and longing. And there’s a moment when I finally feel what I wanted to feel and couldn’t exactly know or express ahead of time. And then to set the timer again. And again. And again.
Fixation
I’m inordinately interested in prevailing fantasy and fixation. The fixation is rarely the thing itself. What essence or qualities does this ideal represent? Rather than getting stuck in wanting the one thing, understanding the qualities that the fixation is seeking to fulfil, encourages introspection, change and embodiment. Follow the fixation. Make it bigger. See what lure it really holds, or is it an empty vessel?
I’m inordinately interested in prevailing fantasy and fixation. The fixation is rarely the thing itself. What essence or qualities does this ideal represent? Rather than getting stuck in wanting the one thing, understanding the qualities that the fixation is seeking to fulfil, encourages introspection, change and embodiment. Follow the fixation. Make it bigger. See what lure it really holds, or is it an empty vessel?
Dealbreaker
What are your dealbreakers? Why would you walk out of a relationship? If you know, it’s easier to go and be true to your own word. Even if it means letting someone else down, or it takes a while, leaving is inevitable. Otherwise, there's a sense of feeling eternally compromised or disingenuous. And to make sure your dealbreakers are worth it. Why lose something wonderful for a fraction of idealism that may never even be realised? Otherwise, the dealbreakers wander along with you, unacted upon, wreaking perfectionism on whatever gratitude might be possible.
What are your dealbreakers? Why would you walk out of a relationship? If you know, it’s easier to go and be true to your own word. Even if it means letting someone else down, or it takes a while, leaving is inevitable. Otherwise, there's a sense of feeling eternally compromised or disingenuous. And to make sure your dealbreakers are worth it. Why lose something wonderful for a fraction of idealism that may never even be realised? Otherwise, the dealbreakers wander along with you, unacted upon, wreaking perfectionism on whatever gratitude might be possible.
Frivolous
Surely taking a sexuality journey is a frivolous extravagance. That worries me. I’m not one for thinking we’re going to heal the world until all beings are enlightened, astonishing though that would be. Initially, it is a personal voyage, so why does this seeking for better matter? When I ask myself what the common problems of relationship or intimacy are - not knowing what to want yet knowing there’s something more, the boredom of habitual unrewarding sex, mismatched desire, lack of relational honesty, intimacy starvation - there’s a relevance and immediacy of why it matters a great deal. In everyday kindness, existence and connection, there’s a compassionate love underpinning the clumsiness.
Surely taking a sexuality journey is a frivolous extravagance. That worries me. I’m not one for thinking we’re going to heal the world until all beings are enlightened, astonishing though that would be. Initially, it is a personal voyage, so why does this seeking for better matter? When I ask myself what the common problems of relationship or intimacy are - not knowing what to want yet knowing there’s something more, the boredom of habitual unrewarding sex, mismatched desire, lack of relational honesty, intimacy starvation - there’s a relevance and immediacy of why it matters a great deal. In everyday kindness, existence and connection, there’s a compassionate love underpinning the clumsiness.
Purpose
I was a sex coach for 10 years before I found my thing of hosting The Sex Lectures & supporting UK Sexological Bodywork. Yet back when I first qualified, I wanted to be as successful as my mentor appeared to be. Ridiculous, isn’t it? Striving never stops. My energy wanted purpose, and to DO something, anything, grasping for recognition through others' versions of success, instead of the patience of allowing my own to emerge.
I was a sex coach for 10 years before I found my thing of hosting The Sex Lectures & supporting UK Sexological Bodywork. Yet back when I first qualified, I wanted to be as successful as my mentor appeared to be. Ridiculous, isn’t it? Striving never stops. My energy wanted purpose, and to DO something, anything, grasping for recognition through others' versions of success, instead of the patience of allowing my own to emerge.
Open
I have great regard for men who explore the conscious sexuality field. Straight men often want to work with feminine energy and avoid working with other men in the room. I can see why, wanting softness and being scared of what women are scared of, the unspoken threat of intrusion or male violence. Scared of themselves, the brittle mirror and in need of nurture. Unsurprising. Yet this puts too much pressure on the feminine to heal the loss and wrath of men. To keep them from jumping off bridges, disappearing into the gym or getting wasted for want of connection. It’s too much to put the pressure solely on the feminine. So, how about you help each other out of the masculine mess? I admire the men who hold mens’ groups, who share new ways of being male in a confusing world, allowing vulnerability and brotherhood as the place to share without conflating the longing for intimacy, understanding, acceptance and softness. Gone are the days of “you’ll be alright, mate”. It’s not enough. Respect for distance gives way to expression of emotion, listening and letting the walls down. To feel safe to open up. The longing may not go away, but the support becomes diffuse.
I have great regard for men who explore the conscious sexuality field. Straight men often want to work with feminine energy and avoid working with other men in the room. I can see why, wanting softness and being scared of what women are scared of, the unspoken threat of intrusion or male violence. Scared of themselves, the brittle mirror and in need of nurture. Unsurprising. Yet this puts too much pressure on the feminine to heal the loss and wrath of men. To keep them from jumping off bridges, disappearing into the gym or getting wasted for want of connection. It’s too much to put the pressure solely on the feminine. So, how about you help each other out of the masculine mess? I admire the men who hold mens’ groups, who share new ways of being male in a confusing world, allowing vulnerability and brotherhood as the place to share without conflating the longing for intimacy, understanding, acceptance and softness. Gone are the days of “you’ll be alright, mate”. It’s not enough. Respect for distance gives way to expression of emotion, listening and letting the walls down. To feel safe to open up. The longing may not go away, but the support becomes diffuse.
Ambition
Getting things perfect is a big stick to beat ourselves with. Making other people get things right is even trickier. Specificity helps up to a point. Much as I love being happy and right, doing well enough is more achievable than perfection. Ambition is exhausting.
Getting things perfect is a big stick to beat ourselves with. Making other people get things right is even trickier. Specificity helps up to a point. Much as I love being happy and right, doing well enough is more achievable than perfection. Ambition is exhausting.
Reluctance
Agreeing to something with reluctance is more confusing than saying ‘No, I don’t want to do that.’ Sometimes you don't know you don't want to do it till you try it. Understandable. Saying No has consequences. Yet frees both people to find genuine willingness elsewhere.
Agreeing to something with reluctance is more confusing than saying ‘No, I don’t want to do that.’ Sometimes you don't know you don't want to do it till you try it. Understandable. Saying No has consequences. Yet frees both people to find genuine willingness elsewhere.
Perspectives
Free from conditioning and fear, we can choose to respond with love, choice and encouragement. We come to appreciate erotic moments without having to make fantasy love-mountains out of them. Then, instead of going into paroxysms of retreat or regret, trashing these brief encounters or experiences with our crazy craving and aversion-led minds, can we let grasping and expectation fall away? Maybe on a good day. It’s a long road. If everything is what we make it, we can choose different perspectives.
Free from conditioning and fear, we can choose to respond with love, choice and encouragement. We come to appreciate erotic moments without having to make fantasy love-mountains out of them. Then, instead of going into paroxysms of retreat or regret, trashing these brief encounters or experiences with our crazy craving and aversion-led minds, can we let grasping and expectation fall away? Maybe on a good day. It’s a long road. If everything is what we make it, we can choose different perspectives.
Lead
When to lead, and when to give way and be in service, is a power dynamic worth exploring. Both have generosity. Offering clear leadership is relaxing for each person; understanding the limits and possibilities for each role allows the freedom for the leader to be creative and selfish in the cleanest way. Knowing the follower will express limits is essential. Guesswork is confusing.
When to lead, and when to give way and be in service, is a power dynamic worth exploring. Both have generosity. Offering clear leadership is relaxing for each person; understanding the limits and possibilities for each role allows the freedom for the leader to be creative and selfish in the cleanest way. Knowing the follower will express limits is essential. Guesswork is confusing.
Mismatch
Giving and receiving are a joy that can make the world go round. Receiving what we want and need is an astounding gift. As is being able to offer what we are skilled at, and have that affirmed by another’s appreciation. Yet to offer something that isn’t required, or to be given what we can’t value, is a fast track to mismatching, hurt and misunderstanding. Getting clear on detail and desire allows for a full-hearted response either way.
Giving and receiving are a joy that can make the world go round. Receiving what we want and need is an astounding gift. As is being able to offer what we are skilled at, and have that affirmed by another’s appreciation. Yet to offer something that isn’t required, or to be given what we can’t value, is a fast track to mismatching, hurt and misunderstanding. Getting clear on detail and desire allows for a full-hearted response either way.
Quirky
The people I’ve found attractive in the last few years are totally their own person, quirky, rebellious, following their own path. I find that state of misfit independence admirable and interesting, and of course, unconsciously, its an invisible part, seeking expression of it for myself.
The people I’ve found attractive in the last few years are totally their own person, quirky, rebellious, following their own path. I find that state of misfit independence admirable and interesting, and of course, unconsciously, its an invisible part, seeking expression of it for myself.
Character
How many ways does your character push love or dreams away? While that can be useful when you want to be discerning, or avoidant, it’s not so helpful with the folx you do actually want to love you. Whether you’re overly hardworking, helpful, success-chasing, dramatic, fearful, detached, ebullient, forceful, or passive, your response is often habitual. Be aware of its counterproductive strategies when seeking familiarity in the wrong places.
How many ways does your character push love or dreams away? While that can be useful when you want to be discerning, or avoidant, it’s not so helpful with the folx you do actually want to love you. Whether you’re overly hardworking, helpful, success-chasing, dramatic, fearful, detached, ebullient, forceful, or passive, your response is often habitual. Be aware of its counterproductive strategies when seeking familiarity in the wrong places.
Dissonance
Who I think I am is sometimes interrupted by what I do. Or have done. Or have agreed to, or been intrigued by. My nice woman self-image drops away in the face of the reality of my behaviour. I’m glad.
Who I think I am is sometimes interrupted by what I do. Or have done. Or have agreed to, or been intrigued by. My nice woman self-image drops away in the face of the reality of my behaviour. I’m glad.
Response
There’s a tyranny to modern mindfulness. Why should you feel calm, or expect to have a soothed nervous system when there’s so much uncertainty, unfairness and destruction? What if activism or connection is a decent response to despair?
There’s a tyranny to modern mindfulness. Why should you feel calm, or expect to have a soothed nervous system when there’s so much uncertainty, unfairness and destruction? What if activism or connection is a decent response to despair?
Bond
Last summer, I met a man I’d given a tantric massage to once, over a decade ago. Meeting in an art gallery, we talked about colour and dead bodies as we wandered around paintings inspired by Monet. Later, en route to a cafe, he briefly told me of the impact of our first meeting on his life. I hugged him in the street. We simply don’t know the impact, or bonds, that form in the unlikeliest of places.
Last summer, I met a man I’d given a tantric massage to once, over a decade ago. Meeting in an art gallery, we talked about colour and dead bodies as we wandered around paintings inspired by Monet. Later, en route to a cafe, he briefly told me of the impact of our first meeting on his life. I hugged him in the street. We simply don’t know the impact, or bonds, that form in the unlikeliest of places.