Flare
There’s a moment in intimacy or dance that, if I slow down, I can feel myself moving as an object in a vast universe. I can be aware of myself in space in relation to another. I’m connecting to me, rather than to them. An awareness of skin, movement, breath and closeness, a slower trancey state of enhanced perception and joy. Of feeling close and free, to notice another body, skin, fabric, mass, warmth, beard, thigh in a wordless connection in the present moment. Enough permission to share aspects of myself that don’t usually have expression, a way for another to allow that in themselves. It’s spacious, generous, and rare. It’s taken time, a long time, to be in that momentary bliss, to let go of grasping, and to see the moment as a gift and only that. To override meaning-making and longing for more. To let go of the want to hold on to this beauty, attention and permission. There’s an eroticism and sensuality to it that’s missing in my Greek exile life. These solar flares of remembering are precious.
There’s a moment in intimacy or dance that, if I slow down, I can feel myself moving as an object in a vast universe. I can be aware of myself in space in relation to another. I’m connecting to me, rather than to them. An awareness of skin, movement, breath and closeness, a slower trancey state of enhanced perception and joy. Of feeling close and free, to notice another body, skin, fabric, mass, warmth, beard, thigh in a wordless connection in the present moment. Enough permission to share aspects of myself that don’t usually have expression, a way for another to allow that in themselves. It’s spacious, generous, and rare. It’s taken time, a long time, to be in that momentary bliss, to let go of grasping, and to see the moment as a gift and only that. To override meaning-making and longing for more. To let go of the want to hold on to this beauty, attention and permission. There’s an eroticism and sensuality to it that’s missing in my Greek exile life. These solar flares of remembering are precious.
Needs
People are trying to get their needs met, just like you are. They want what they want, just like you do. The gift of compassion is to believe that everyone is doing their best in their own struggle and strategy. Each person has a different personality, motivation, parents, trauma, and experiences. There’s no earthly reason why someone might want exactly what you want in life or in the bedroom. However, it might not be what you need, and then the relationship presents dilemmas. So a great way to work it out is to check rather than assume or guess. It doesn’t ruin the magic. It saves you time, dignity and sanity.
People are trying to get their needs met, just like you are. They want what they want, just like you do. The gift of compassion is to believe that everyone is doing their best in their own struggle and strategy. Each person has a different personality, motivation, parents, trauma, and experiences. There’s no earthly reason why someone might want exactly what you want in life or in the bedroom. However, it might not be what you need, and then the relationship presents dilemmas. So a great way to work it out is to check rather than assume or guess. It doesn’t ruin the magic. It saves you time, dignity and sanity.
Simplicity
There’s a great revelation in how much gets done in a period of intentional celibacy. My swivelly head has a rest, there’s peace of mind, and time to focus on projects and individual creativity. Being single is decisive; fewer pulls on my time in the absence of drama, deceit and the seemingly endless focus on ‘working things through’ in relationships going nowhere. There’s a simplicity to my energy, body and mind being my own. My love and intelligence are freer, a cut glass vase returned from conflicting mush. It’s a compelling choice, a place of satisfaction, direction and purpose rather than lack, criticism and longing.
There’s a great revelation in how much gets done in a period of intentional celibacy. My swivelly head has a rest, there’s peace of mind, and time to focus on projects and individual creativity. Being single is decisive; fewer pulls on my time in the absence of drama, deceit and the seemingly endless focus on ‘working things through’ in relationships going nowhere. There’s a simplicity to my energy, body and mind being my own. My love and intelligence are freer, a cut glass vase returned from conflicting mush. It’s a compelling choice, a place of satisfaction, direction and purpose rather than lack, criticism and longing.
Lag
I talk to queer friends and folx younger than me who so much earlier felt or saw being queer as an option. I come late to most things around sexuality. It's a time lag in possibilities. My sexual identity as a given has crumbled. I don’t feel like I have to know who and what I want to call myself now. In responding to whoever I meet and new ideas, my potential in any given moment is piqued by something unknown. A desire to explore what might be mutually longed for, to create something between us that is unique in that encounter. Leaving the heteronormative escalator, experimenting with different relationship models and erotic styles, stopping conforming to unconscious roles, straight or tantric versions of polarity. Rather than an identity crisis, it’s an invitation to freedom, to possibility, to fluidity.
I talk to queer friends and folx younger than me who so much earlier felt or saw being queer as an option. I come late to most things around sexuality. It's a time lag in possibilities. My sexual identity as a given has crumbled. I don’t feel like I have to know who and what I want to call myself now. In responding to whoever I meet and new ideas, my potential in any given moment is piqued by something unknown. A desire to explore what might be mutually longed for, to create something between us that is unique in that encounter. Leaving the heteronormative escalator, experimenting with different relationship models and erotic styles, stopping conforming to unconscious roles, straight or tantric versions of polarity. Rather than an identity crisis, it’s an invitation to freedom, to possibility, to fluidity.
Caged
Shame is a sneaky motherfucker. I’d thought I was mercifully shame-free. Recently, I realised hidden shame had entwined itself into my anxiety. They have a co-dependent relationship, a pooling spiral of goo, hidden beneath and entangling worry. Caging expression while gagging me from sharing joy, freedom, sexiness and lived experiences.
Shame is a sneaky motherfucker. I’d thought I was mercifully shame-free. Recently, I realised hidden shame had entwined itself into my anxiety. They have a co-dependent relationship, a pooling spiral of goo, hidden beneath and entangling worry. Caging expression while gagging me from sharing joy, freedom, sexiness and lived experiences.
Centre
Can you bring attention and awareness back to yourself? In intimacy, instead of wondering where touch is going next, or aiming for the T-zone too soon, can you slow down enough to notice what’s happening in your own body? Pull back, take a breath, be centred in yourself in the presence of another.
Can you bring attention and awareness back to yourself? In intimacy, instead of wondering where touch is going next, or aiming for the T-zone too soon, can you slow down enough to notice what’s happening in your own body? Pull back, take a breath, be centred in yourself in the presence of another.
Door
How do we open up and listen to each other, to share our sexual experiences, innocence and hopes? And to get educated about what’s possible in the realms of healing deep wounds around sex, to opening up to different ways of seeing eroticism for self-awareness, as well as sensation. It’s helpful, if not vital, to find teachers, connections, and closeness, so that sexuality can be a natural part of conversation, community building, personal growth, and belonging. Find your way in and don’t look back.
How do we open up and listen to each other, to share our sexual experiences, innocence and hopes? And to get educated about what’s possible in the realms of healing deep wounds around sex, to opening up to different ways of seeing eroticism for self-awareness, as well as sensation. It’s helpful, if not vital, to find teachers, connections, and closeness, so that sexuality can be a natural part of conversation, community building, personal growth, and belonging. Find your way in and don’t look back.
Avoidance
Avoidance gets a bad rap. I like it. It saves me from getting into all sorts of situations I wouldn't be happy in. I’ve been anxious too. That was worse. At least avoidance feels familiar. Anxiety took me places where I didn’t know myself or like who I became. Intolerable vulnerability, obsessive rumination, mitigated ineffectively by attempts at control. Discernment plays a part. Give me avoidance any day; it's less ruinous.
Avoidance gets a bad rap. I like it. It saves me from getting into all sorts of situations I wouldn't be happy in. I’ve been anxious too. That was worse. At least avoidance feels familiar. Anxiety took me places where I didn’t know myself or like who I became. Intolerable vulnerability, obsessive rumination, mitigated ineffectively by attempts at control. Discernment plays a part. Give me avoidance any day; it's less ruinous.
FFS
I don’t swear much. Though a well-placed ‘for fucks sake’ pleases my profanity censor. Usually, as she rolls her eyes, wondering what century we’re in.
I don’t swear much. Though a well-placed ‘for fucks sake’ pleases my profanity censor. Usually, as she rolls her eyes, wondering what century we’re in.
Comfort
There’s not much comfort in a comfort zone full of boredom, complaints and a longing for something that you’ve never heard, felt or experienced. It’s tough to change and worse to stay still. Pulled in both directions, the only way is through the paradox of competing claims. It’s not enough to see your stuckness. Saying yes to courage and goodbye to stasis, pulps everything in a nutri-blend of all you ever held as true.
There’s not much comfort in a comfort zone full of boredom, complaints and a longing for something that you’ve never heard, felt or experienced. It’s tough to change and worse to stay still. Pulled in both directions, the only way is through the paradox of competing claims. It’s not enough to see your stuckness. Saying yes to courage and goodbye to stasis, pulps everything in a nutri-blend of all you ever held as true.
Friendliness
Decoupling touch from sex matters. Sharing small touches, holding hands and kissing contribute to everyday intimacy and friendliness. Rather than seeing them as a slippery slope or a sign that may be an opening to sex and therefore withholding, what if a hug could just be a hug?
Decoupling touch from sex matters. Sharing small touches, holding hands and kissing contribute to everyday intimacy and friendliness. Rather than seeing them as a slippery slope or a sign that may be an opening to sex and therefore withholding, what if a hug could just be a hug?
Relax
When intimacy is only reserved for PIV sex in the bedroom, we’re fucked, and not in a good way. How about seeing connection as shifting shades of pleasure, that also allows us to go about our business, build empires, paint paintings, follow interests, heal old hurts and do errands with an inner joy. Seeing the wonder of what you’ve created with each other, choosing to notice, care and listen each day. The seeking gene switched off, knowing what you’ve created is precious and to be relied upon. In these days of what Esther Perel calls ‘secure ambivalence’, seeing the freedom in daily showing up can let fear, fight and flight relax and imaginations soar.
When intimacy is only reserved for PIV sex in the bedroom, we’re fucked, and not in a good way. How about seeing connection as shifting shades of pleasure, that also allows us to go about our business, build empires, paint paintings, follow interests, heal old hurts and do errands with an inner joy. Seeing the wonder of what you’ve created with each other, choosing to notice, care and listen each day. The seeking gene switched off, knowing what you’ve created is precious and to be relied upon. In these days of what Esther Perel calls ‘secure ambivalence’, seeing the freedom in daily showing up can let fear, fight and flight relax and imaginations soar.
Circuits
Recognising the joy of sensation and feeling it was one of the first things that worked. The first tantric massage enlivened my energy body, following fingertips awakened the circuits of my physical body, silk lightly brushing my skin pulled my attention to places hitherto untouched, the spots above my hip bones, the back of my neck, the line under my bum meeting my thigh. Learning by attention to feeling, rather than seeing or thinking, changed me.
Recognising the joy of sensation and feeling it was one of the first things that worked. The first tantric massage enlivened my energy body, following fingertips awakened the circuits of my physical body, silk lightly brushing my skin pulled my attention to places hitherto untouched, the spots above my hip bones, the back of my neck, the line under my bum meeting my thigh. Learning by attention to feeling, rather than seeing or thinking, changed me.
Push
Love. I had no idea what this meant. Learning to love from a place of understanding. Of really seeing another and what they needed. Of learning to understand and accept rather than ignore or dismiss. But later, when the unpleasant reality of not receiving in the way I decreed, I’ve been sad or mean. Especially when I’ve felt rejected, trapped or bored. There’s nothing like being the judge and jury on other people's desires to push love away. Even if it’s not mutual, there’s no need to make someone else wrong.
Love. I had no idea what this meant. Learning to love from a place of understanding. Of really seeing another and what they needed. Of learning to understand and accept rather than ignore or dismiss. But later, when the unpleasant reality of not receiving in the way I decreed, I’ve been sad or mean. Especially when I’ve felt rejected, trapped or bored. There’s nothing like being the judge and jury on other people's desires to push love away. Even if it’s not mutual, there’s no need to make someone else wrong.
Captivity
When mating in captivity loses its appeal, how do we know what’s possible when there are limited choices on offer? While there may seem to be excess in-app options, it’s still the same old broken model on offer.
When mating in captivity loses its appeal, how do we know what’s possible when there are limited choices on offer? While there may seem to be excess in-app options, it’s still the same old broken model on offer.
Glue
Being curious and committed to the potential for eroticism to enhance a relationship and life at all stages is confronting. Yet, seen as a way to share and resolve issues, heal fractures in the psyche, and bring out the different parts of us, it may hold us through adaptation to age and possibility. Eroticism can be relationship glue, a sanctuary to choose and change, to find out more about ourselves and who we might be. Otherwise, stagnation, affairs and exterior distractions creep in, derailing the base of the early love and attraction that brings folx together. To create new expressions of love, tenderness and greatness in ourselves and each other is a gift worth living.
Being curious and committed to the potential for eroticism to enhance a relationship and life at all stages is confronting. Yet, seen as a way to share and resolve issues, heal fractures in the psyche, and bring out the different parts of us, it may hold us through adaptation to age and possibility. Eroticism can be relationship glue, a sanctuary to choose and change, to find out more about ourselves and who we might be. Otherwise, stagnation, affairs and exterior distractions creep in, derailing the base of the early love and attraction that brings folx together. To create new expressions of love, tenderness and greatness in ourselves and each other is a gift worth living.
Criticism
Holding the listening space for difference, with acceptance and non-judgment and without fixing or dismissing another's desire as boring, scary or bewildering, and without taking it personally, is a big ask. Yet unsolicited advice is heard as criticism more reliably offered than silence. Zipping it until asked for observations or suggestions is a smart move.
Holding the listening space for difference, with acceptance and non-judgment and without fixing or dismissing another's desire as boring, scary or bewildering, and without taking it personally, is a big ask. Yet unsolicited advice is heard as criticism more reliably offered than silence. Zipping it until asked for observations or suggestions is a smart move.
Unique
The way we see the world is how it is. Our limitations, history, shyness and urgency around love will be unique, yet it’s too easy to think this is the way life works and that others move to the same trauma, tune or motivation.
The way we see the world is how it is. Our limitations, history, shyness and urgency around love will be unique, yet it’s too easy to think this is the way life works and that others move to the same trauma, tune or motivation.