Turnaround
A challenge for my personality has been wondering where to commit, to overturn years of unconscious avoidance. I tried the wrong person for the right reason, to overcome a fear of entrapment. A Human Design reader told me I’ll only commit when I know I’m free to leave. Then I’ll choose the long rein or golden handcuffs willingly. Naturally uncompromising, I’m no longer cut out for tolerance of committing to an incompatible relationship, so I don’t have to be alone. Nor to ‘work on it’ in endless therapy. Believe me, you wouldn’t want the resentment or bondage either. I love the idea of hand-fasting, committing for a year and a day. If you ever see that happening, please know the effort of a lifelong turnaround. What a volte-face that joy and terror might be.
A challenge for my personality has been wondering where to commit, to overturn years of unconscious avoidance. I tried the wrong person for the right reason, to overcome a fear of entrapment. A Human Design reader told me I’ll only commit when I know I’m free to leave. Then I’ll choose the long rein or golden handcuffs willingly. Naturally uncompromising, I’m no longer cut out for tolerance of committing to an incompatible relationship, so I don’t have to be alone. Nor to ‘work on it’ in endless therapy. Believe me, you wouldn’t want the resentment or bondage either. I love the idea of hand-fasting, committing for a year and a day. If you ever see that happening, please know the effort of a lifelong turnaround. What a volte-face that joy and terror might be.
Generosity
I’ve been the recipient of untold generosity for my crazy ideas. Friends, family and colleagues offering time, attention, skills, support, 12-minute talks, cash and painting. I’m never quite sure why, and I’m unutterably grateful. There’s something so satisfying about a collective crazy idea coming into being.
I’ve been the recipient of untold generosity for my crazy ideas. Friends, family and colleagues offering time, attention, skills, support, 12-minute talks, cash and painting. I’m never quite sure why, and I’m unutterably grateful. There’s something so satisfying about a collective crazy idea coming into being.
Fool
Being a fool, trusting again and again is naive. Keeping our hearts open reeks of innocence, when it might be better to engage brain and say No. Yet I still fall for faith in goodness.
Being a fool, trusting again and again is naive. Keeping our hearts open reeks of innocence, when it might be better to engage brain and say No. Yet I still fall for faith in goodness.
Stoke
Staying curious about who you are, who you have chosen, and about life itself will serve you better than complacency. Recognising your power and longing helps to stoke a fire to live more fully, to be able to see the beauty and doorways into a more magical life than the one you’re being sold. Sacrifices have to be made, and there are no guarantees. Yet, there’s something about living from your own spirit and choices that allows the mistakes and glories to have a sweeter satisfaction and equanimity. Taking ownership of your life and putting your attention to co-creating supportive and enjoyable relationships is a decision. It’s a matter of trusting oneself to build awareness, skills, beliefs, and behaviour where change is not only possible but inevitable.
Staying curious about who you are, who you have chosen, and about life itself will serve you better than complacency. Recognising your power and longing helps to stoke a fire to live more fully, to be able to see the beauty and doorways into a more magical life than the one you’re being sold. Sacrifices have to be made, and there are no guarantees. Yet, there’s something about living from your own spirit and choices that allows the mistakes and glories to have a sweeter satisfaction and equanimity. Taking ownership of your life and putting your attention to co-creating supportive and enjoyable relationships is a decision. It’s a matter of trusting oneself to build awareness, skills, beliefs, and behaviour where change is not only possible but inevitable.
Quit
I quit when I’m bored or I can’t see the point. Or I’ve lost hope, or haven’t been appreciated. Sometimes I quit before I’m ahead, and something hasn’t even got off the ground. When something I had enthusiasm for one day falls away quickly in the face of organising it. I love it when that happens. One less thing on the to-do list. With fifty ideas before breakfast, that’s handy.
I quit when I’m bored or I can’t see the point. Or I’ve lost hope, or haven’t been appreciated. Sometimes I quit before I’m ahead, and something hasn’t even got off the ground. When something I had enthusiasm for one day falls away quickly in the face of organising it. I love it when that happens. One less thing on the to-do list. With fifty ideas before breakfast, that’s handy.
Envy
Envy teaches you what you’d love. It can eat you up otherwise. What you envy is what you desire. It can set your direction and enhance determination. Used well, envy is transformative.
Envy teaches you what you’d love. It can eat you up otherwise. What you envy is what you desire. It can set your direction and enhance determination. Used well, envy is transformative.
Dowsing
Bruised from looking for love in the wrong places, at an unravelled time in my life, a meeting with a quirky man who gave me a dowsing pendulum changed everything. I made a decision that day to surrender to my higher self, as my lower one was making a mess of things. I follow a pendulum on many decisions, great and small. From what to eat, who to meet, how to live, to buying a house in Greece. Trusting in following a pendulum’s guidance has taken me all over the place, principally back to trust in being looked after by life.
Bruised from looking for love in the wrong places, at an unravelled time in my life, a meeting with a quirky man who gave me a dowsing pendulum changed everything. I made a decision that day to surrender to my higher self, as my lower one was making a mess of things. I follow a pendulum on many decisions, great and small. From what to eat, who to meet, how to live, to buying a house in Greece. Trusting in following a pendulum’s guidance has taken me all over the place, principally back to trust in being looked after by life.
Blessed
In Sexological Bodywork training, I discovered a piece of research into ‘sexual potential’ which names three main sexual styles, known as ‘erotic realms’ - Partner Engagement, Trance and Play. As fundamental sex education, developing an interest in exploring the erotic realms, rather than having a cup of tea, another incompatible date, meditating or joining the Ramblers, is worthwhile. Scenery is wonderful, don’t get me wrong, yet there are hidden landscapes within us, beyond ageing ten years in a pair of waterproofs with an elastic waist. Comfy ain’t going to cut it in the realm of expanding pleasure. To be able to move in all three realms is how to be in the blessed few who create wonderful, varied experiences.
In Sexological Bodywork training, I discovered a piece of research into ‘sexual potential’ which names three main sexual styles, known as ‘erotic realms’ - Partner Engagement, Trance and Play. As fundamental sex education, developing an interest in exploring the erotic realms, rather than having a cup of tea, another incompatible date, meditating or joining the Ramblers, is worthwhile. Scenery is wonderful, don’t get me wrong, yet there are hidden landscapes within us, beyond ageing ten years in a pair of waterproofs with an elastic waist. Comfy ain’t going to cut it in the realm of expanding pleasure. To be able to move in all three realms is how to be in the blessed few who create wonderful, varied experiences.
Absence
There’s something about the intimacy of connection that until we have it, we feel its absence and goodness. Trust that absence. Follow that goodness. Your soul is trustworthy, even if the heart feels unreliably safe.
There’s something about the intimacy of connection that until we have it, we feel its absence and goodness. Trust that absence. Follow that goodness. Your soul is trustworthy, even if the heart feels unreliably safe.
Past
Letting the past define you is a waste of time. The point is to be free of the past. Yes, let it inform you, but getting free is the game. Rather than devoting yourself to it, getting beyond what happened matters. Otherwise, you’re reminded again of the injustice, humiliation, betrayal, abandonment or powerlessness. Again and again. Crusading is fine, so is helping other survivors. It’s not all you are. There’s so much more freedom.
Letting the past define you is a waste of time. The point is to be free of the past. Yes, let it inform you, but getting free is the game. Rather than devoting yourself to it, getting beyond what happened matters. Otherwise, you’re reminded again of the injustice, humiliation, betrayal, abandonment or powerlessness. Again and again. Crusading is fine, so is helping other survivors. It’s not all you are. There’s so much more freedom.
Capability
I wonder if vulnerability is overrated. What about capability? There’s time and place for each. Softness and power aren’t incompatible.
I wonder if vulnerability is overrated. What about capability? There’s time and place for each. Softness and power aren’t incompatible.
Voice
I grew up Catholic with all the inherent guilt, secrecy and shyness. Learning to talk about sex has been a BIG DEAL. Initially, sitting in Tantric sharing circles with other women opened my eyes. Then, sitting with men, listening to the shame and hopes around an integral part of their being, opened my heart. Taking an extraordinary spiritual, embodied journey together, showed shadows and potential that a decade of yoga hadn’t begun to touch. Finding my voice came later.
I grew up Catholic with all the inherent guilt, secrecy and shyness. Learning to talk about sex has been a BIG DEAL. Initially, sitting in Tantric sharing circles with other women opened my eyes. Then, sitting with men, listening to the shame and hopes around an integral part of their being, opened my heart. Taking an extraordinary spiritual, embodied journey together, showed shadows and potential that a decade of yoga hadn’t begun to touch. Finding my voice came later.
Meal-ticket
Rather than choosing a label, finding your polycongruency is finding someone's relating style to match your own. I had a boyfriend once who was a swinger. He wanted us to have adventures so he could fuck women once a month. It was never going to work. I found that out the hard way. Finding someone I want to fuck is a rarity; the choices on swingers sites did little to raise the odds. He loved me, I loved him. He wanted us to swing together, I wanted him alone. He wanted a meal ticket. I wasn’t it. The woman he found to replace me was a swinger. She loved him more than she pretended, ironing his shirts, keeping his house, calling him Master, teaching him ropes, submitting for her pleasure, accepting pain. He found someone who wanted swinging for herself and a BDSM contract. They got each other's way of relating without needing to love each other. Ultimately, that worked out badly too. Relating of any kind is a trip.
Rather than choosing a label, finding your polycongruency is finding someone's relating style to match your own. I had a boyfriend once who was a swinger. He wanted us to have adventures so he could fuck women once a month. It was never going to work. I found that out the hard way. Finding someone I want to fuck is a rarity; the choices on swingers sites did little to raise the odds. He loved me, I loved him. He wanted us to swing together, I wanted him alone. He wanted a meal ticket. I wasn’t it. The woman he found to replace me was a swinger. She loved him more than she pretended, ironing his shirts, keeping his house, calling him Master, teaching him ropes, submitting for her pleasure, accepting pain. He found someone who wanted swinging for herself and a BDSM contract. They got each other's way of relating without needing to love each other. Ultimately, that worked out badly too. Relating of any kind is a trip.
Insistence
It took me a year to sign up to a Tantra journey, longing, judgment and false virtue ganging up on me, keeping me scared and doing nothing. The main delay was in trying to enrol a lover who didn’t want to join. I suppose they were frightened too. Or were already happy. Or didn’t see the need for a divine aspect to the relationship. Still, the insistent voice of my longing wouldn’t shut up. In the end, I set out alone, not even realising that was what I was doing.
It took me a year to sign up to a Tantra journey, longing, judgment and false virtue ganging up on me, keeping me scared and doing nothing. The main delay was in trying to enrol a lover who didn’t want to join. I suppose they were frightened too. Or were already happy. Or didn’t see the need for a divine aspect to the relationship. Still, the insistent voice of my longing wouldn’t shut up. In the end, I set out alone, not even realising that was what I was doing.
Yearning
Learning about pleasure through touch, emotion and sensation changed things for me. Learning to feel was beautiful and risky. Taking me down a whole new track of erotic embodiment. Emotions and longings I didn't have names for, clambered out of the exquisite little box I’d sat on for years. Hidden yearnings queued for my attention, demanding I finally took notice. Parts longing for expression safely came out under the covers of intimacy. Yearning moved around a spectrum of pleasure, a trail of clothes behind it, libido rising as pants dropped to the floor.
Learning about pleasure through touch, emotion and sensation changed things for me. Learning to feel was beautiful and risky. Taking me down a whole new track of erotic embodiment. Emotions and longings I didn't have names for, clambered out of the exquisite little box I’d sat on for years. Hidden yearnings queued for my attention, demanding I finally took notice. Parts longing for expression safely came out under the covers of intimacy. Yearning moved around a spectrum of pleasure, a trail of clothes behind it, libido rising as pants dropped to the floor.
Contradictions
The contradictions of love, safety and freedom intrigue me. Is the answer to spread the paradox around? Can we be poly when single, and monogamous when in a relationship? Is that a thing? If I’m living it, it’s a thing. We simply need to be clear, and cool with honesty and contradiction. It annoys and confuses the old skool poly people who want clear classifications and labels. If only responses and emotions were so rational.
The contradictions of love, safety and freedom intrigue me. Is the answer to spread the paradox around? Can we be poly when single, and monogamous when in a relationship? Is that a thing? If I’m living it, it’s a thing. We simply need to be clear, and cool with honesty and contradiction. It annoys and confuses the old skool poly people who want clear classifications and labels. If only responses and emotions were so rational.
Entirety
Imagine intimacy where nothing you don’t want to happen would happen. Consensuality as a given. It doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes but it means we have the freedom to change our minds, to move away from what we’re not enjoying with ease. Where the choosing is more important than the doing. For hazy, expansive, dreamy touch that’s relaxing, curious and arousing, slowing down, softer strokes, and inncocent touch helps. Feeling our way around another's body, their entirety, the smoothness of their skin, the soft parts, the surprise parts. Enjoy the slow freedom to feel soft hair, bristles, tenderness, to smell scents, to pause, to notice, to sink into safe space, free of fending off intrusive forays. The body becomes an open space, not a battle ground, wretched sex-bucket list, race to the finish or the floundering to satisfy unspoken expectation. There’s so much potential for change and pleasure, in breath, movement and sound with new erogenous zones to discover.
Imagine intimacy where nothing you don’t want to happen would happen. Consensuality as a given. It doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes but it means we have the freedom to change our minds, to move away from what we’re not enjoying with ease. Where the choosing is more important than the doing. For hazy, expansive, dreamy touch that’s relaxing, curious and arousing, slowing down, softer strokes, and inncocent touch helps. Feeling our way around another's body, their entirety, the smoothness of their skin, the soft parts, the surprise parts. Enjoy the slow freedom to feel soft hair, bristles, tenderness, to smell scents, to pause, to notice, to sink into safe space, free of fending off intrusive forays. The body becomes an open space, not a battle ground, wretched sex-bucket list, race to the finish or the floundering to satisfy unspoken expectation. There’s so much potential for change and pleasure, in breath, movement and sound with new erogenous zones to discover.
Unknown
Being able to move with the unknown is quite the art. When we want what we want, yet are scared of another disappointment, events, plans and people fall away, retaining inner resilience and versatility asks too much of us. A bit of certainty goes a long way. Too much of the unknown upends us. Finding a place in ourselves while the world looks like its burning feels like a holding on with fingernails. Finding peace in troubled times may not be possible. Then finding people and places to express our fears, grief and losses makes us feel not so alone. Being prepared to let go is terrifying.
Being able to move with the unknown is quite the art. When we want what we want, yet are scared of another disappointment, events, plans and people fall away, retaining inner resilience and versatility asks too much of us. A bit of certainty goes a long way. Too much of the unknown upends us. Finding a place in ourselves while the world looks like its burning feels like a holding on with fingernails. Finding peace in troubled times may not be possible. Then finding people and places to express our fears, grief and losses makes us feel not so alone. Being prepared to let go is terrifying.
Awareness
Awareness helps identify when we are overwhelmed or overstimulated, in our heads with the past or future, or chasing, defending or trying too hard. Anxiety is displaced when we’re in the moment, focused on the wonder beneath our fingers and on our skin, relaxed, safe, feeling accepted and permissive. Awareness allows us gently to get out of a groove to nowhere and back to presence.
Awareness helps identify when we are overwhelmed or overstimulated, in our heads with the past or future, or chasing, defending or trying too hard. Anxiety is displaced when we’re in the moment, focused on the wonder beneath our fingers and on our skin, relaxed, safe, feeling accepted and permissive. Awareness allows us gently to get out of a groove to nowhere and back to presence.
Attention
Being able to focus attention, block out the world, and make time for new ways of relating intimately means moving away from ‘how to spice up your sex life’ to emphasising awareness, authenticity, sensation, emotion and enjoyment. Moving from the performance of “Am I doing it right?” to the ''Am I, and we, enjoying this, and what would make it better?”
Being able to focus attention, block out the world, and make time for new ways of relating intimately means moving away from ‘how to spice up your sex life’ to emphasising awareness, authenticity, sensation, emotion and enjoyment. Moving from the performance of “Am I doing it right?” to the ''Am I, and we, enjoying this, and what would make it better?”