Story
On one of my Tantra courses, we had to make up and tell an erotic story. It was one of the many times I wondered where my car keys were and if I could leave. It was a terrifying evening, albeit fascinating to hear the other women’s stories. I made up a tale about seducing a judge, making the tiles of the boring law books I used to sell sound lascivious. Eventually having the judge push me up against leather bound first editions of Halsbury's Laws of England. I’m still nervous, yet grateful for having to go through that baptism of fire every time I stand on stage at The Sex Lectures and can be funny and serious in turn. It’s also saved me going to public speaking courses and caring about learning the rules.
On one of my Tantra courses, we had to make up and tell an erotic story. It was one of the many times I wondered where my car keys were and if I could leave. It was a terrifying evening, albeit fascinating to hear the other women’s stories. I made up a tale about seducing a judge, making the tiles of the boring law books I used to sell sound lascivious. Eventually having the judge push me up against leather bound first editions of Halsbury's Laws of England. I’m still nervous, yet grateful for having to go through that baptism of fire every time I stand on stage at The Sex Lectures and can be funny and serious in turn. It’s also saved me going to public speaking courses and caring about learning the rules.
Care
One of my friends wants to print T-shirts that say ‘I don’t care’. I’m guessing it wouldn’t take that many mid-lifers to make up a print run. Yet I do care, just not about the pettinesses. And my pettinesses and cares aren’t the same as yours.
One of my friends wants to print T-shirts that say ‘I don’t care’. I’m guessing it wouldn’t take that many mid-lifers to make up a print run. Yet I do care, just not about the pettinesses. And my pettinesses and cares aren’t the same as yours.
Banquet
Objectification is not the same as humiliation or degradation. Yet it’s possible that the feelings that emerge could easily be entwined. While it’s possible and useful to differentiate and classify many different things in the banquet of kink, the responses may not be so easily boxed.
Objectification is not the same as humiliation or degradation. Yet it’s possible that the feelings that emerge could easily be entwined. While it’s possible and useful to differentiate and classify many different things in the banquet of kink, the responses may not be so easily boxed.
Doctor
Response arousal is important and is all too slowly replacing the notion of sex drive on which the current (mostly but not always male) model of sexual desire is based. Yet this isn’t matched by female-led arousal, which involves the complexity of safety, previous positive experiences, relevance, intimacy and then eroticism. Viagra and hydraulics can’t do much for that mismatch. Though I have occasionally enjoyed Viagra with the almost instant hit of desire. One of the times with an ex who did have a PhD, I could really say ‘thank you doctor’ as he handed me half of the little blue pill.
Response arousal is important and is all too slowly replacing the notion of sex drive on which the current (mostly but not always male) model of sexual desire is based. Yet this isn’t matched by female-led arousal, which involves the complexity of safety, previous positive experiences, relevance, intimacy and then eroticism. Viagra and hydraulics can’t do much for that mismatch. Though I have occasionally enjoyed Viagra with the almost instant hit of desire. One of the times with an ex who did have a PhD, I could really say ‘thank you doctor’ as he handed me half of the little blue pill.
Moves
When I try to work out why the things I do work out or sell out, I have no idea. I write these aphorisms, host The Sex Lectures and bought a house in Greece because I heard a ‘voice’, not through any thoughtful businesslike decision-making. Given changes in Greek law and my health, my brain asks endless questions about where to live and what to do next? Until I get clear divine directions, there are no moves to make. It always comes back to trust and being more in the present.
When I try to work out why the things I do work out or sell out, I have no idea. I write these aphorisms, host The Sex Lectures and bought a house in Greece because I heard a ‘voice’, not through any thoughtful businesslike decision-making. Given changes in Greek law and my health, my brain asks endless questions about where to live and what to do next? Until I get clear divine directions, there are no moves to make. It always comes back to trust and being more in the present.
Insouciance
Being oneself, in a world of perceived expectation of performance, takes guts and insouciance.
Being oneself, in a world of perceived expectation of performance, takes guts and insouciance.
Passing
Emotions, erections, thoughts, and sensations come and go. We don’t need to take any of them too seriously, there’ll be more thoughts, sensations, erections and emotions tomorrow and the day after. And the day and week after that. Ad infinitum. Still, wouldn’t it be great to have the space to express them rather than to be asked to get over ourselves?
Emotions, erections, thoughts, and sensations come and go. We don’t need to take any of them too seriously, there’ll be more thoughts, sensations, erections and emotions tomorrow and the day after. And the day and week after that. Ad infinitum. Still, wouldn’t it be great to have the space to express them rather than to be asked to get over ourselves?
Leash
A friend objectified me by putting me on a leash and walking me on all fours around the room. Only on the soft mats. Also using me as a footstool which I worried was a little boring for them, though I found the whole beginners scene surprisingly peaceful. None of the objectifying pushed any of my my f*ck you daddio buttons. Though I suspect in keeping to the limits of our brief set up conversation, that was intentional and useful, in that it allowed me to notice and feel. It helped me understand a bit more about not having to care - that it was a relief.
A friend objectified me by putting me on a leash and walking me on all fours around the room. Only on the soft mats. Also using me as a footstool which I worried was a little boring for them, though I found the whole beginners scene surprisingly peaceful. None of the objectifying pushed any of my my f*ck you daddio buttons. Though I suspect in keeping to the limits of our brief set up conversation, that was intentional and useful, in that it allowed me to notice and feel. It helped me understand a bit more about not having to care - that it was a relief.
Message
“We’re glad we’re staying together.” I’ve asked my friends to listen to my breasts and see if they can hear any messages. This was the first.
“We’re glad we’re staying together.” I’ve asked my friends to listen to my breasts and see if they can hear any messages. This was the first.
Limerence
I had a limerent crush on a performance artist I met at an online party during the Covid times. We sold tickets to our first meeting in a London park, then later went to a kinky club where I felt out of my depth with a stranger. Committing to staying a few days at his house was a mistake; the crush wasn’t mutual. I left early. And ended up kissing a girlfriend on her more welcoming sofa instead. Limerent crushes are awful when unrequited. I felt needy, and sick with unusual feelings of rejection. Which was disappointing after the initial mutual admiration and seeming connection.
I had a limerent crush on a performance artist I met at an online party during the Covid times. We sold tickets to our first meeting in a London park, then later went to a kinky club where I felt out of my depth with a stranger. Committing to staying a few days at his house was a mistake; the crush wasn’t mutual. I left early. And ended up kissing a girlfriend on her more welcoming sofa instead. Limerent crushes are awful when unrequited. I felt needy, and sick with unusual feelings of rejection. Which was disappointing after the initial mutual admiration and seeming connection.
Roads
There’s something about being a Sexological Bodyworker that fills me with great pride in the work and our students. We have to go through a thorough and weird training. Sure, we’re one of the professions that can touch all of the body, on both a physical and emotional level. Where we’re going, there are no roads. It’s the pioneering work around topics that aren’t often discussed with such compassion, neutrality, and respect that I remain in awe of.
There’s something about being a Sexological Bodyworker that fills me with great pride in the work and our students. We have to go through a thorough and weird training. Sure, we’re one of the professions that can touch all of the body, on both a physical and emotional level. Where we’re going, there are no roads. It’s the pioneering work around topics that aren’t often discussed with such compassion, neutrality, and respect that I remain in awe of.
Building
I become friends with the interesting people I meet. No wonder I had challenges with building a consistent client base for the brief time I was in private practice. The interesting clients became my friends and stopped paying me. I stopped wanting to work with the others. I’m considering setting up a practice again if I stay in the UK. However, I may need to reconsider my ethics and agreements.
I become friends with the interesting people I meet. No wonder I had challenges with building a consistent client base for the brief time I was in private practice. The interesting clients became my friends and stopped paying me. I stopped wanting to work with the others. I’m considering setting up a practice again if I stay in the UK. However, I may need to reconsider my ethics and agreements.
Hairdresser
“Do, delegate or delete”, was my hairdresser's wise advice about to-do lists. I’ve done a lot more since I realised it’s all about the deciding.
“Do, delegate or delete”, was my hairdresser's wise advice about to-do lists. I’ve done a lot more since I realised it’s all about the deciding.
Limitation
Limitations are a liberation. Ironic when I’ve spent so much time expanding choice and freedom. Too many options can be paralysing and lead to rumination and endless weighing up of equally good alternatives. Although I can’t drive for the next few months, there’s a new freedom in walking locally or being offered a lift. And let’s not get into the turn on of a senior rail card.
Limitations are a liberation. Ironic when I’ve spent so much time expanding choice and freedom. Too many options can be paralysing and lead to rumination and endless weighing up of equally good alternatives. Although I can’t drive for the next few months, there’s a new freedom in walking locally or being offered a lift. And let’s not get into the turn on of a senior rail card.
Bonding
Gosh, women spend a lot of time analysing men. I know because I’ve done it. And spent hours with friends in cafes as they go over what is wrong versus what is compelling. Or what they’d love. If only I’d spent as much time on creating something of value. Yet the bonds formed over those cups of coffee are lasting.
Gosh, women spend a lot of time analysing men. I know because I’ve done it. And spent hours with friends in cafes as they go over what is wrong versus what is compelling. Or what they’d love. If only I’d spent as much time on creating something of value. Yet the bonds formed over those cups of coffee are lasting.
Trash
“Don’t trash your experience with your mind.” Is another of my wise teacher's sayings that has stuck with me. What she was trying to say is that don’t regret encounters after the fact and find mental ways to disown or discredit the people you chose to spend time with. Don’t waste time finding all the reasons they were a bad idea if you enjoyed them in the moment.
“Don’t trash your experience with your mind.” Is another of my wise teacher's sayings that has stuck with me. What she was trying to say is that don’t regret encounters after the fact and find mental ways to disown or discredit the people you chose to spend time with. Don’t waste time finding all the reasons they were a bad idea if you enjoyed them in the moment.
Chillin
I’ve no idea what ‘chillin’ feels like. How to enjoy being pointless and purposeless makes me scratch my head. Sitting amidst the roses and dead people in Manchester Southern Cemetery Crematorium in the sunshine is a soulful experience. Once those fathers or mothers, former husbands, dead wives or cot death babies had lives and breaths, they loved and were loved. Or maybe they were lonely too. If I want an epitaph, “She lived life well”, maybe cancer is allowing a welcome break from the push for purpose.
I’ve no idea what ‘chillin’ feels like. How to enjoy being pointless and purposeless makes me scratch my head. Sitting amidst the roses and dead people in Manchester Southern Cemetery Crematorium in the sunshine is a soulful experience. Once those fathers or mothers, former husbands, dead wives or cot death babies had lives and breaths, they loved and were loved. Or maybe they were lonely too. If I want an epitaph, “She lived life well”, maybe cancer is allowing a welcome break from the push for purpose.
Care
A friend asked me, “What are you not feeling?” I love good questions like that. I’m not feeling anger or fear. What I’m not feeling is care. That’s nothing new. How do you do it? Tips welcome.
A friend asked me, “What are you not feeling?” I love good questions like that. I’m not feeling anger or fear. What I’m not feeling is care. That’s nothing new. How do you do it? Tips welcome.