Fixation
I’m inordinately interested in prevailing fantasy and fixation. The fixation is rarely the thing itself. What essence or qualities does this ideal represent? Rather than getting stuck in wanting the one thing, understanding the qualities that the fixation is seeking to fulfil, encourages introspection, change and embodiment. Follow the fixation. Make it bigger. See what lure it really holds, or is it an empty vessel?
I’m inordinately interested in prevailing fantasy and fixation. The fixation is rarely the thing itself. What essence or qualities does this ideal represent? Rather than getting stuck in wanting the one thing, understanding the qualities that the fixation is seeking to fulfil, encourages introspection, change and embodiment. Follow the fixation. Make it bigger. See what lure it really holds, or is it an empty vessel?
Dealbreaker
What are your dealbreakers? Why would you walk out of a relationship? If you know, it’s easier to go and be true to your own word. Even if it means letting someone else down, or it takes a while, leaving is inevitable. Otherwise, there's a sense of feeling eternally compromised or disingenuous. And to make sure your dealbreakers are worth it. Why lose something wonderful for a fraction of idealism that may never even be realised? Otherwise, the dealbreakers wander along with you, unacted upon, wreaking perfectionism on whatever gratitude might be possible.
What are your dealbreakers? Why would you walk out of a relationship? If you know, it’s easier to go and be true to your own word. Even if it means letting someone else down, or it takes a while, leaving is inevitable. Otherwise, there's a sense of feeling eternally compromised or disingenuous. And to make sure your dealbreakers are worth it. Why lose something wonderful for a fraction of idealism that may never even be realised? Otherwise, the dealbreakers wander along with you, unacted upon, wreaking perfectionism on whatever gratitude might be possible.
Frivolous
Surely taking a sexuality journey is a frivolous extravagance. That worries me. I’m not one for thinking we’re going to heal the world until all beings are enlightened, astonishing though that would be. Initially, it is a personal voyage, so why does this seeking for better matter? When I ask myself what the common problems of relationship or intimacy are - not knowing what to want yet knowing there’s something more, the boredom of habitual unrewarding sex, mismatched desire, lack of relational honesty, intimacy starvation - there’s a relevance and immediacy of why it matters a great deal. In everyday kindness, existence and connection, there’s a compassionate love underpinning the clumsiness.
Surely taking a sexuality journey is a frivolous extravagance. That worries me. I’m not one for thinking we’re going to heal the world until all beings are enlightened, astonishing though that would be. Initially, it is a personal voyage, so why does this seeking for better matter? When I ask myself what the common problems of relationship or intimacy are - not knowing what to want yet knowing there’s something more, the boredom of habitual unrewarding sex, mismatched desire, lack of relational honesty, intimacy starvation - there’s a relevance and immediacy of why it matters a great deal. In everyday kindness, existence and connection, there’s a compassionate love underpinning the clumsiness.
Purpose
I was a sex coach for 10 years before I found my thing of hosting The Sex Lectures & supporting UK Sexological Bodywork. Yet back when I first qualified, I wanted to be as successful as my mentor appeared to be. Ridiculous, isn’t it? Striving never stops. My energy wanted purpose, and to DO something, anything, grasping for recognition through others' versions of success, instead of the patience of allowing my own to emerge.
I was a sex coach for 10 years before I found my thing of hosting The Sex Lectures & supporting UK Sexological Bodywork. Yet back when I first qualified, I wanted to be as successful as my mentor appeared to be. Ridiculous, isn’t it? Striving never stops. My energy wanted purpose, and to DO something, anything, grasping for recognition through others' versions of success, instead of the patience of allowing my own to emerge.
Open
I have great regard for men who explore the conscious sexuality field. Straight men often want to work with feminine energy and avoid working with other men in the room. I can see why, wanting softness and being scared of what women are scared of, the unspoken threat of intrusion or male violence. Scared of themselves, the brittle mirror and in need of nurture. Unsurprising. Yet this puts too much pressure on the feminine to heal the loss and wrath of men. To keep them from jumping off bridges, disappearing into the gym or getting wasted for want of connection. It’s too much to put the pressure solely on the feminine. So, how about you help each other out of the masculine mess? I admire the men who hold mens’ groups, who share new ways of being male in a confusing world, allowing vulnerability and brotherhood as the place to share without conflating the longing for intimacy, understanding, acceptance and softness. Gone are the days of “you’ll be alright, mate”. It’s not enough. Respect for distance gives way to expression of emotion, listening and letting the walls down. To feel safe to open up. The longing may not go away, but the support becomes diffuse.
I have great regard for men who explore the conscious sexuality field. Straight men often want to work with feminine energy and avoid working with other men in the room. I can see why, wanting softness and being scared of what women are scared of, the unspoken threat of intrusion or male violence. Scared of themselves, the brittle mirror and in need of nurture. Unsurprising. Yet this puts too much pressure on the feminine to heal the loss and wrath of men. To keep them from jumping off bridges, disappearing into the gym or getting wasted for want of connection. It’s too much to put the pressure solely on the feminine. So, how about you help each other out of the masculine mess? I admire the men who hold mens’ groups, who share new ways of being male in a confusing world, allowing vulnerability and brotherhood as the place to share without conflating the longing for intimacy, understanding, acceptance and softness. Gone are the days of “you’ll be alright, mate”. It’s not enough. Respect for distance gives way to expression of emotion, listening and letting the walls down. To feel safe to open up. The longing may not go away, but the support becomes diffuse.
Ambition
Getting things perfect is a big stick to beat ourselves with. Making other people get things right is even trickier. Specificity helps up to a point. Much as I love being happy and right, doing well enough is more achievable than perfection. Ambition is exhausting.
Getting things perfect is a big stick to beat ourselves with. Making other people get things right is even trickier. Specificity helps up to a point. Much as I love being happy and right, doing well enough is more achievable than perfection. Ambition is exhausting.
Reluctance
Agreeing to something with reluctance is more confusing than saying ‘No, I don’t want to do that.’ Sometimes you don't know you don't want to do it till you try it. Understandable. Saying No has consequences. Yet frees both people to find genuine willingness elsewhere.
Agreeing to something with reluctance is more confusing than saying ‘No, I don’t want to do that.’ Sometimes you don't know you don't want to do it till you try it. Understandable. Saying No has consequences. Yet frees both people to find genuine willingness elsewhere.
Perspectives
Free from conditioning and fear, we can choose to respond with love, choice and encouragement. We come to appreciate erotic moments without having to make fantasy love-mountains out of them. Then, instead of going into paroxysms of retreat or regret, trashing these brief encounters or experiences with our crazy craving and aversion-led minds, can we let grasping and expectation fall away? Maybe on a good day. It’s a long road. If everything is what we make it, we can choose different perspectives.
Free from conditioning and fear, we can choose to respond with love, choice and encouragement. We come to appreciate erotic moments without having to make fantasy love-mountains out of them. Then, instead of going into paroxysms of retreat or regret, trashing these brief encounters or experiences with our crazy craving and aversion-led minds, can we let grasping and expectation fall away? Maybe on a good day. It’s a long road. If everything is what we make it, we can choose different perspectives.
Lead
When to lead, and when to give way and be in service, is a power dynamic worth exploring. Both have generosity. Offering clear leadership is relaxing for each person; understanding the limits and possibilities for each role allows the freedom for the leader to be creative and selfish in the cleanest way. Knowing the follower will express limits is essential. Guesswork is confusing.
When to lead, and when to give way and be in service, is a power dynamic worth exploring. Both have generosity. Offering clear leadership is relaxing for each person; understanding the limits and possibilities for each role allows the freedom for the leader to be creative and selfish in the cleanest way. Knowing the follower will express limits is essential. Guesswork is confusing.
Mismatch
Giving and receiving are a joy that can make the world go round. Receiving what we want and need is an astounding gift. As is being able to offer what we are skilled at, and have that affirmed by another’s appreciation. Yet to offer something that isn’t required, or to be given what we can’t value, is a fast track to mismatching, hurt and misunderstanding. Getting clear on detail and desire allows for a full-hearted response either way.
Giving and receiving are a joy that can make the world go round. Receiving what we want and need is an astounding gift. As is being able to offer what we are skilled at, and have that affirmed by another’s appreciation. Yet to offer something that isn’t required, or to be given what we can’t value, is a fast track to mismatching, hurt and misunderstanding. Getting clear on detail and desire allows for a full-hearted response either way.
Quirky
The people I’ve found attractive in the last few years are totally their own person, quirky, rebellious, following their own path. I find that state of misfit independence admirable and interesting, and of course, unconsciously, its an invisible part, seeking expression of it for myself.
The people I’ve found attractive in the last few years are totally their own person, quirky, rebellious, following their own path. I find that state of misfit independence admirable and interesting, and of course, unconsciously, its an invisible part, seeking expression of it for myself.
Character
How many ways does your character push love or dreams away? While that can be useful when you want to be discerning, or avoidant, it’s not so helpful with the folx you do actually want to love you. Whether you’re overly hardworking, helpful, success-chasing, dramatic, fearful, detached, ebullient, forceful, or passive, your response is often habitual. Be aware of its counterproductive strategies when seeking familiarity in the wrong places.
How many ways does your character push love or dreams away? While that can be useful when you want to be discerning, or avoidant, it’s not so helpful with the folx you do actually want to love you. Whether you’re overly hardworking, helpful, success-chasing, dramatic, fearful, detached, ebullient, forceful, or passive, your response is often habitual. Be aware of its counterproductive strategies when seeking familiarity in the wrong places.
Dissonance
Who I think I am is sometimes interrupted by what I do. Or have done. Or have agreed to, or been intrigued by. My nice woman self-image drops away in the face of the reality of my behaviour. I’m glad.
Who I think I am is sometimes interrupted by what I do. Or have done. Or have agreed to, or been intrigued by. My nice woman self-image drops away in the face of the reality of my behaviour. I’m glad.
Response
There’s a tyranny to modern mindfulness. Why should you feel calm, or expect to have a soothed nervous system when there’s so much uncertainty, unfairness and destruction? What if activism or connection is a decent response to despair?
There’s a tyranny to modern mindfulness. Why should you feel calm, or expect to have a soothed nervous system when there’s so much uncertainty, unfairness and destruction? What if activism or connection is a decent response to despair?
Bond
Last summer, I met a man I’d given a tantric massage to once, over a decade ago. Meeting in an art gallery, we talked about colour and dead bodies as we wandered around paintings inspired by Monet. Later, en route to a cafe, he briefly told me of the impact of our first meeting on his life. I hugged him in the street. We simply don’t know the impact, or bonds, that form in the unlikeliest of places.
Last summer, I met a man I’d given a tantric massage to once, over a decade ago. Meeting in an art gallery, we talked about colour and dead bodies as we wandered around paintings inspired by Monet. Later, en route to a cafe, he briefly told me of the impact of our first meeting on his life. I hugged him in the street. We simply don’t know the impact, or bonds, that form in the unlikeliest of places.
Flare
There’s a moment in intimacy or dance that, if I slow down, I can feel myself moving as an object in a vast universe. I can be aware of myself in space in relation to another. I’m connecting to me, rather than to them. An awareness of skin, movement, breath and closeness, a slower trancey state of enhanced perception and joy. Of feeling close and free, to notice another body, skin, fabric, mass, warmth, beard, thigh in a wordless connection in the present moment. Enough permission to share aspects of myself that don’t usually have expression, a way for another to allow that in themselves. It’s spacious, generous, and rare. It’s taken time, a long time, to be in that momentary bliss, to let go of grasping, and to see the moment as a gift and only that. To override meaning-making and longing for more. To let go of the want to hold on to this beauty, attention and permission. There’s an eroticism and sensuality to it that’s missing in my Greek exile life. These solar flares of remembering are precious.
There’s a moment in intimacy or dance that, if I slow down, I can feel myself moving as an object in a vast universe. I can be aware of myself in space in relation to another. I’m connecting to me, rather than to them. An awareness of skin, movement, breath and closeness, a slower trancey state of enhanced perception and joy. Of feeling close and free, to notice another body, skin, fabric, mass, warmth, beard, thigh in a wordless connection in the present moment. Enough permission to share aspects of myself that don’t usually have expression, a way for another to allow that in themselves. It’s spacious, generous, and rare. It’s taken time, a long time, to be in that momentary bliss, to let go of grasping, and to see the moment as a gift and only that. To override meaning-making and longing for more. To let go of the want to hold on to this beauty, attention and permission. There’s an eroticism and sensuality to it that’s missing in my Greek exile life. These solar flares of remembering are precious.
Needs
People are trying to get their needs met, just like you are. They want what they want, just like you do. The gift of compassion is to believe that everyone is doing their best in their own struggle and strategy. Each person has a different personality, motivation, parents, trauma, and experiences. There’s no earthly reason why someone might want exactly what you want in life or in the bedroom. However, it might not be what you need, and then the relationship presents dilemmas. So a great way to work it out is to check rather than assume or guess. It doesn’t ruin the magic. It saves you time, dignity and sanity.
People are trying to get their needs met, just like you are. They want what they want, just like you do. The gift of compassion is to believe that everyone is doing their best in their own struggle and strategy. Each person has a different personality, motivation, parents, trauma, and experiences. There’s no earthly reason why someone might want exactly what you want in life or in the bedroom. However, it might not be what you need, and then the relationship presents dilemmas. So a great way to work it out is to check rather than assume or guess. It doesn’t ruin the magic. It saves you time, dignity and sanity.
Simplicity
There’s a great revelation in how much gets done in a period of intentional celibacy. My swivelly head has a rest, there’s peace of mind, and time to focus on projects and individual creativity. Being single is decisive; fewer pulls on my time in the absence of drama, deceit and the seemingly endless focus on ‘working things through’ in relationships going nowhere. There’s a simplicity to my energy, body and mind being my own. My love and intelligence are freer, a cut glass vase returned from conflicting mush. It’s a compelling choice, a place of satisfaction, direction and purpose rather than lack, criticism and longing.
There’s a great revelation in how much gets done in a period of intentional celibacy. My swivelly head has a rest, there’s peace of mind, and time to focus on projects and individual creativity. Being single is decisive; fewer pulls on my time in the absence of drama, deceit and the seemingly endless focus on ‘working things through’ in relationships going nowhere. There’s a simplicity to my energy, body and mind being my own. My love and intelligence are freer, a cut glass vase returned from conflicting mush. It’s a compelling choice, a place of satisfaction, direction and purpose rather than lack, criticism and longing.
Lag
I talk to queer friends and folx younger than me who so much earlier felt or saw being queer as an option. I come late to most things around sexuality. It's a time lag in possibilities. My sexual identity as a given has crumbled. I don’t feel like I have to know who and what I want to call myself now. In responding to whoever I meet and new ideas, my potential in any given moment is piqued by something unknown. A desire to explore what might be mutually longed for, to create something between us that is unique in that encounter. Leaving the heteronormative escalator, experimenting with different relationship models and erotic styles, stopping conforming to unconscious roles, straight or tantric versions of polarity. Rather than an identity crisis, it’s an invitation to freedom, to possibility, to fluidity.
I talk to queer friends and folx younger than me who so much earlier felt or saw being queer as an option. I come late to most things around sexuality. It's a time lag in possibilities. My sexual identity as a given has crumbled. I don’t feel like I have to know who and what I want to call myself now. In responding to whoever I meet and new ideas, my potential in any given moment is piqued by something unknown. A desire to explore what might be mutually longed for, to create something between us that is unique in that encounter. Leaving the heteronormative escalator, experimenting with different relationship models and erotic styles, stopping conforming to unconscious roles, straight or tantric versions of polarity. Rather than an identity crisis, it’s an invitation to freedom, to possibility, to fluidity.
Caged
Shame is a sneaky motherfucker. I’d thought I was mercifully shame-free. Recently, I realised hidden shame had entwined itself into my anxiety. They have a co-dependent relationship, a pooling spiral of goo, hidden beneath and entangling worry. Caging expression while gagging me from sharing joy, freedom, sexiness and lived experiences.
Shame is a sneaky motherfucker. I’d thought I was mercifully shame-free. Recently, I realised hidden shame had entwined itself into my anxiety. They have a co-dependent relationship, a pooling spiral of goo, hidden beneath and entangling worry. Caging expression while gagging me from sharing joy, freedom, sexiness and lived experiences.