There’s not much comfort in a comfort zone full of boredom, complaints and a longing for something that you’ve never heard, felt or experienced. It’s tough to change and worse to stay still. Pulled in both directions, the only way is through the paradox of competing claims. It’s not enough to see your stuckness. Saying yes to courage and goodbye to stasis, pulps everything in a nutri-blend of all you ever held as true.

Decoupling touch from sex matters. Sharing small touches, holding hands and kissing contribute to everyday intimacy and friendliness. Rather than seeing them as a slippery slope or a sign that may be an opening to sex and therefore withholding, what if a hug could just be a hug?

When intimacy is only reserved for PIV sex in the bedroom, we’re fucked, and not in a good way. How about seeing connection as shifting shades of pleasure, that also allows us to go about our business, build empires, paint paintings, follow interests, heal old hurts and do errands with an inner joy. Seeing the wonder of what you’ve created with each other, choosing to notice, care and listen each day. The seeking gene switched off, knowing what you’ve created is precious and to be relied upon. In these days of what Esther Perel calls ‘secure ambivalence’, seeing the freedom in daily showing up can let fear, fight and flight relax and imaginations soar.

Recognising the joy of sensation and feeling it was one of the first things that worked. The first tantric massage enlivened my energy body, following fingertips awakened the circuits of my physical body, silk lightly brushing my skin pulled my attention to places hitherto untouched, the spots above my hip bones, the back of my neck, the line under my bum meeting my thigh. Learning by attention to feeling, rather than seeing or thinking, changed me.

Love. I had no idea what this meant. Learning to love from a place of understanding. Of really seeing another and what they needed. Of learning to understand and accept rather than ignore or dismiss. But later, when the unpleasant reality of not receiving in the way I decreed, I’ve been sad or mean. Especially when I’ve felt rejected, trapped or bored. There’s nothing like being the judge and jury on other people's desires to push love away. Even if it’s not mutual, there’s no need to make someone else wrong.

Everyone is great at the beginning. Including me. After that, it gets tricky.

When mating in captivity loses its appeal, how do we know what’s possible when there are limited choices on offer? While there may seem to be excess in-app options, it’s still the same old broken model on offer.

Being curious and committed to the potential for eroticism to enhance a relationship and life at all stages is confronting. Yet, seen as a way to share and resolve issues, heal fractures in the psyche, and bring out the different parts of us, it may hold us through adaptation to age and possibility. Eroticism can be relationship glue, a sanctuary to choose and change, to find out more about ourselves and who we might be. Otherwise, stagnation, affairs and exterior distractions creep in, derailing the base of the early love and attraction that brings folx together. To create new expressions of love, tenderness and greatness in ourselves and each other is a gift worth living.

Holding the listening space for difference, with acceptance and non-judgment and without fixing or dismissing another's desire as boring, scary or bewildering, and without taking it personally, is a big ask. Yet unsolicited advice is heard as criticism more reliably offered than silence. Zipping it until asked for observations or suggestions is a smart move.

The way we see the world is how it is. Our limitations, history, shyness and urgency around love will be unique, yet it’s too easy to think this is the way life works and that others move to the same trauma, tune or motivation.

A challenge for my personality has been wondering where to commit, to overturn years of unconscious avoidance. I tried the wrong person for the right reason, to overcome a fear of entrapment. A Human Design reader told me I’ll only commit when I know I’m free to leave. Then I’ll choose the long rein or golden handcuffs willingly. Naturally uncompromising, I’m no longer cut out for tolerance of committing to an incompatible relationship, so I don’t have to be alone. Nor to ‘work on it’ in endless therapy. Believe me, you wouldn’t want the resentment or bondage either. I love the idea of hand-fasting, committing for a year and a day. If you ever see that happening, please know the effort of a lifelong turnaround. What a volte-face that joy and terror might be.

I’ve been the recipient of untold generosity for my crazy ideas. Friends, family and colleagues offering time, attention, skills, support, 12-minute talks, cash and painting. I’m never quite sure why, and I’m unutterably grateful. There’s something so satisfying about a collective crazy idea coming into being.

Being a fool, trusting again and again is naive. Keeping our hearts open reeks of innocence, when it might be better to engage brain and say No. Yet I still fall for faith in goodness.

Staying curious about who you are, who you have chosen, and about life itself will serve you better than complacency. Recognising your power and longing helps to stoke a fire to live more fully, to be able to see the beauty and doorways into a more magical life than the one you’re being sold. Sacrifices have to be made, and there are no guarantees. Yet, there’s something about living from your own spirit and choices that allows the mistakes and glories to have a sweeter satisfaction and equanimity. Taking ownership of your life and putting your attention to co-creating supportive and enjoyable relationships is a decision. It’s a matter of trusting oneself to build awareness, skills, beliefs, and behaviour where change is not only possible but inevitable.

I quit when I’m bored or I can’t see the point. Or I’ve lost hope, or haven’t been appreciated. Sometimes I quit before I’m ahead, and something hasn’t even got off the ground. When something I had enthusiasm for one day falls away quickly in the face of organising it. I love it when that happens. One less thing on the to-do list. With fifty ideas before breakfast, that’s handy.

Envy teaches you what you’d love. It can eat you up otherwise. What you envy is what you desire. It can set your direction and enhance determination. Used well, envy is transformative.

Bruised from looking for love in the wrong places, at an unravelled time in my life, a meeting with a quirky man who gave me a dowsing pendulum changed everything. I made a decision that day to surrender to my higher self, as my lower one was making a mess of things. I follow a pendulum on many decisions, great and small. From what to eat, who to meet, how to live, to buying a house in Greece. Trusting in following a pendulum’s guidance has taken me all over the place, principally back to trust in being looked after by life.

In Sexological Bodywork training, I discovered a piece of research into ‘sexual potential’ which names three main sexual styles, known as ‘erotic realms’ -  Partner Engagement, Trance and Play. As fundamental sex education, developing an interest in exploring the erotic realms, rather than having a cup of tea, another incompatible date, meditating or joining the Ramblers, is worthwhile. Scenery is wonderful, don’t get me wrong, yet there are hidden landscapes within us, beyond ageing ten years in a pair of waterproofs with an elastic waist. Comfy ain’t going to cut it in the realm of expanding pleasure. To be able to move in all three realms is how to be in the blessed few who create wonderful, varied experiences.

There’s something about the intimacy of connection that until we have it, we feel its absence and goodness. Trust that absence. Follow that goodness. Your soul is trustworthy, even if the heart feels unreliably safe.

Letting the past define you is a waste of time. The point is to be free of the past. Yes, let it inform you, but getting free is the game. Rather than devoting yourself to it, getting beyond what happened matters. Otherwise, you’re reminded again of the injustice, humiliation, betrayal, abandonment or powerlessness. Again and again. Crusading is fine, so is helping other survivors. It’s not all you are.  There’s so much more freedom.