How do we grow in compassion and love, breaking out of the beliefs that pulled us into drama triangles into something more soothing, enjoyable and supportive?

“If you don’t like it, change it. You’re not a tree.” Words my Tantra teacher used to say. You always have more power than you think. Change is hard and seems to take undue effort and attention. Yet change happens in micro adjustments and big revelations. When we see our unhelpful beliefs and behaviour, we have a chance to question and change our perception of the world. Staying focused on what we can do matters. Feeling powerless and furious is a good start. Channelling that into effective action for change might be easier than complaining. I used to do a lot of complaining. It was just boring and ineffectual.  Creating change is more rewarding than complaining.

What would your most recent ex say is tough to be with you? Why did your exes leave you? While not all of them are worth listening to, is it worth a modicum of your time to work out your pattern of where your shadows have played out time after time? Your avoidance or anxiety, your need for validation or control, your resistance to change, your unspoken expectations, your unconscious rules for love, the annoying things you do and are dissatisfied with. Add to that lack or excess of self-belief, narcissism or princess and the pea pickiness. It wasn’t just them, it’s also you. Still, it's good to be free.

Being in a body is a miracle; being incarnated into existence is a gift. Wasting the miracle on the minutiae of grievance rather than creation vexes me.

The myth of self-reliance is a double bind. There’s satisfaction in feeling the results of one's labour and vision. The idea that we do it alone is ludicrous. The notion of self-made crumbles when we think of the structures in our lives that allowed us the chance to succeed. We may have had an idea or determination, but there’s also birth control, modern dentistry, the washing machine and the internet that release us from drudgery and allow access to ease.

Go first. Once you know about healing, it’s great to model it in life. It’s tough, both at a distance and close to home. One way of making naive idealism practical is to go first in the small conflicts with friends and family. To be the first to apologise, to clear misunderstandings, to be aware where you’re someone else’s button pusher, and to show where you hurt. We’re all sensitive to the things that touch on old wounds. The more we see it in each other, the more compassionate we can be.

There’s nothing like making many mistakes and trying many things to know what I was missing out on. The grass was greener. The false morality of catholic upbringing takes some dismantling. I’m only really saved by the pushy, transgressive, curious side of me that wants the good-bad things. That wants safe risk, to find my edges and be seduced through them on my terms. Wholesome is nice, but I long for permission. For the things I didn’t think were allowed. And of the surprising things that I didn’t know anyone would want.

Can you hold on to the truth of your dreams in a relationship with someone else, and allow and support them in theirs?

“I’m touchy-feely, me.” When I challenge people on unwanted touch, their defensiveness is understandable. People want a hug or a connection. I understand that, and I see their hope. People apologise, are taken aback, or jump to the conclusion that something bad has happened to me in the past, and I have a problem. The problem wasn’t then, it’s now. I don’t want to be enfolded in unwanted arms, I don’t want people rubbing my back in a duck-assed hug, I don't want intrusion, or touch by stealth. Just ask.

I’m a sex coach and over a decade have trained with incredible teachers like Dr Betty Martin and had personal encounters that have pulled words and the honesty out of me, in spaces that allowed my secrecy, judgment and reticence to feel safe enough to dissolve, however excruciating. Sometimes, simply being asked an interesting question was enough, or being offered something I’d never considered before. I've taken part in countless listening pairs, sharing circles and groups with folx committed to self-awareness and honesty. I needed to be inspired, to have role models and structures. It's too hard to discover all of this alone. If the commitment to change is a personal decision, with others, we have a chance to practice relationally, to become who we want to be.

Don’t believe everything you imagine or feel about another, it might be a projection. Check, check and check again with yourself and the other person. Don’t outsource or disown your own feelings. With less pride in feeling you’re an empath, as that can be a form of hyper-vigilance, instead, try saying, “May I check with you?” or “I’m imagining that you’re feeling x and y”. Being on the receiving end of such a phrase is at once charming, innocent, and reassuring, allowing us to get to know our friendly empath better, to sit alongside them and witness their attempt to gauge the world for safety and approval. Just like us. It’s a brave friend who offers us permission for honesty.

If you get the chance to attend a Temple night, I encourage you. What happens in a temple? Only what you agree to. There are warm-up exercises for connecting, and later, there’s usually time for free choices. Once the building blocks of consent are established, you’re asked what you’d like to experience. At first, it’s hard to know what to say, and it’s inspiring to hear others' requests and perhaps to respond to the ones that pique your interest. It’s a chance to experience different people and situations, to sample and to connect. Sometimes you have to wait and witness for a while. When you pair up or join a group, you’ll have a conversation about what you do and don’t want to do. Limits are as important and welcome as wishes, and vital to feeling contained enough to experiment. Knowing that what you don’t want to happen won’t happen allows safety and relaxation. You choose if you want to create or to respond. Take it from there.

If existence doesn’t make mistakes, nothing is wasted. Moving from vexation to wonder seems to offer grace and space.

Doubt is an ocean I’ve swum in for years. It’s made me cautious, sceptical, slow, reckless, persuadable, open, mistaken, impulsive, anxious, experimental and wise. Yet seeing uncertainty differently as a chance to be thoughtful and considered, doubt has helped me take time, to come back to myself, to slow down, to speak and act when I’m surer. I’ve learned I can hold creative tension, that doubt doesn’t need to stop me acting but to give due consideration.  Waiting is good, and patience is peaceful.  Doubt is grounding.

Learning to feel what you’d love is an embodied practice. Learning how to feel and ask for what you want, to speak the words aloud, and to say No and Yes, is tough at first and then it’s a quest for honesty and intimacy. It takes courage to rock the boat, to call time on conditioning in a dominant heteronormative model. It takes strength and new beliefs to understand your body is your domain, that your emotions, feelings and pleasure are up to you, to understand more is possible. To build an embodied sense of self with choices about what to experience.

Being a martyr sucks. Don’t do it. No one cares and you’ll be exploited. While you may have a good sob story to tell, what’s much better is to find your inner power and boundaries. Then there’s a chance to tell a better story - of living what you’d love without feeling selfish. As we nurture our heart’s dreams, connection and mutuality matters, so don’t get enrolled into the wrong thing. “No” is your friend. Try it. It leaves much more time for listening to and saying yes to your own heart.

Simple words are key to consent. Try these:

May I? 

Will you?

Yes 

No 

Maybe

Try what scares you. Driving, love, or moving to a new country. It doesn’t matter. Do it anyway. At your level, where risk is exciting and motivating. You don't need to jump off a cliff or from a plane. There’s a small place of risk that is exhilarating. Don’t let your need for safety paralyse you. Action changes the story. First, you have an idea. Try it. Then you see if anyone wants to join you. Take it from there.

Boundaries allow you to stand in being you, and to be one of the people who model steadiness, integrity and clarity in relationships. Learning the skills to become ‘learned secure’ isn’t easy and it is possible. Understanding habits, personality and trauma is helpful or life plays us out over and over again.

I’m not a lover of the vocabulary of sovereignty, manifestation or  being a queen, but if you are, use this power well. Otherwise unconscious entitlement may outstrip understanding. Watch what you manifest, it’s not only bragging about the good stuff. Few of us know the depth of our neediness, codependence and hidden trauma until we get to a relationship. Shadows and awareness are an inside job for wholeness. And forgive yourself - most people are great at the beginning, including you.