Centre
Can you bring attention and awareness back to yourself? In intimacy, instead of wondering where touch is going next, or aiming for the T-zone too soon, can you slow down enough to notice what’s happening in your own body? Pull back, take a breath, be centred in yourself in the presence of another.
Can you bring attention and awareness back to yourself? In intimacy, instead of wondering where touch is going next, or aiming for the T-zone too soon, can you slow down enough to notice what’s happening in your own body? Pull back, take a breath, be centred in yourself in the presence of another.
Door
How do we open up and listen to each other, to share our sexual experiences, innocence and hopes? And to get educated about what’s possible in the realms of healing deep wounds around sex, to opening up to different ways of seeing eroticism for self-awareness, as well as sensation. It’s helpful, if not vital, to find teachers, connections, and closeness, so that sexuality can be a natural part of conversation, community building, personal growth, and belonging. Find your way in and don’t look back.
How do we open up and listen to each other, to share our sexual experiences, innocence and hopes? And to get educated about what’s possible in the realms of healing deep wounds around sex, to opening up to different ways of seeing eroticism for self-awareness, as well as sensation. It’s helpful, if not vital, to find teachers, connections, and closeness, so that sexuality can be a natural part of conversation, community building, personal growth, and belonging. Find your way in and don’t look back.
Avoidance
Avoidance gets a bad rap. I like it. It saves me from getting into all sorts of situations I wouldn't be happy in. I’ve been anxious too. That was worse. At least avoidance feels familiar. Anxiety took me places where I didn’t know myself or like who I became. Intolerable vulnerability, obsessive rumination, mitigated ineffectively by attempts at control. Discernment plays a part. Give me avoidance any day; it's less ruinous.
Avoidance gets a bad rap. I like it. It saves me from getting into all sorts of situations I wouldn't be happy in. I’ve been anxious too. That was worse. At least avoidance feels familiar. Anxiety took me places where I didn’t know myself or like who I became. Intolerable vulnerability, obsessive rumination, mitigated ineffectively by attempts at control. Discernment plays a part. Give me avoidance any day; it's less ruinous.
FFS
I don’t swear much. Though a well-placed ‘for fucks sake’ pleases my profanity censor. Usually, as she rolls her eyes, wondering what century we’re in.
I don’t swear much. Though a well-placed ‘for fucks sake’ pleases my profanity censor. Usually, as she rolls her eyes, wondering what century we’re in.
Comfort
There’s not much comfort in a comfort zone full of boredom, complaints and a longing for something that you’ve never heard, felt or experienced. It’s tough to change and worse to stay still. Pulled in both directions, the only way is through the paradox of competing claims. It’s not enough to see your stuckness. Saying yes to courage and goodbye to stasis, pulps everything in a nutri-blend of all you ever held as true.
There’s not much comfort in a comfort zone full of boredom, complaints and a longing for something that you’ve never heard, felt or experienced. It’s tough to change and worse to stay still. Pulled in both directions, the only way is through the paradox of competing claims. It’s not enough to see your stuckness. Saying yes to courage and goodbye to stasis, pulps everything in a nutri-blend of all you ever held as true.
Friendliness
Decoupling touch from sex matters. Sharing small touches, holding hands and kissing contribute to everyday intimacy and friendliness. Rather than seeing them as a slippery slope or a sign that may be an opening to sex and therefore withholding, what if a hug could just be a hug?
Decoupling touch from sex matters. Sharing small touches, holding hands and kissing contribute to everyday intimacy and friendliness. Rather than seeing them as a slippery slope or a sign that may be an opening to sex and therefore withholding, what if a hug could just be a hug?
Relax
When intimacy is only reserved for PIV sex in the bedroom, we’re fucked, and not in a good way. How about seeing connection as shifting shades of pleasure, that also allows us to go about our business, build empires, paint paintings, follow interests, heal old hurts and do errands with an inner joy. Seeing the wonder of what you’ve created with each other, choosing to notice, care and listen each day. The seeking gene switched off, knowing what you’ve created is precious and to be relied upon. In these days of what Esther Perel calls ‘secure ambivalence’, seeing the freedom in daily showing up can let fear, fight and flight relax and imaginations soar.
When intimacy is only reserved for PIV sex in the bedroom, we’re fucked, and not in a good way. How about seeing connection as shifting shades of pleasure, that also allows us to go about our business, build empires, paint paintings, follow interests, heal old hurts and do errands with an inner joy. Seeing the wonder of what you’ve created with each other, choosing to notice, care and listen each day. The seeking gene switched off, knowing what you’ve created is precious and to be relied upon. In these days of what Esther Perel calls ‘secure ambivalence’, seeing the freedom in daily showing up can let fear, fight and flight relax and imaginations soar.
Circuits
Recognising the joy of sensation and feeling it was one of the first things that worked. The first tantric massage enlivened my energy body, following fingertips awakened the circuits of my physical body, silk lightly brushing my skin pulled my attention to places hitherto untouched, the spots above my hip bones, the back of my neck, the line under my bum meeting my thigh. Learning by attention to feeling, rather than seeing or thinking, changed me.
Recognising the joy of sensation and feeling it was one of the first things that worked. The first tantric massage enlivened my energy body, following fingertips awakened the circuits of my physical body, silk lightly brushing my skin pulled my attention to places hitherto untouched, the spots above my hip bones, the back of my neck, the line under my bum meeting my thigh. Learning by attention to feeling, rather than seeing or thinking, changed me.
Push
Love. I had no idea what this meant. Learning to love from a place of understanding. Of really seeing another and what they needed. Of learning to understand and accept rather than ignore or dismiss. But later, when the unpleasant reality of not receiving in the way I decreed, I’ve been sad or mean. Especially when I’ve felt rejected, trapped or bored. There’s nothing like being the judge and jury on other people's desires to push love away. Even if it’s not mutual, there’s no need to make someone else wrong.
Love. I had no idea what this meant. Learning to love from a place of understanding. Of really seeing another and what they needed. Of learning to understand and accept rather than ignore or dismiss. But later, when the unpleasant reality of not receiving in the way I decreed, I’ve been sad or mean. Especially when I’ve felt rejected, trapped or bored. There’s nothing like being the judge and jury on other people's desires to push love away. Even if it’s not mutual, there’s no need to make someone else wrong.
Captivity
When mating in captivity loses its appeal, how do we know what’s possible when there are limited choices on offer? While there may seem to be excess in-app options, it’s still the same old broken model on offer.
When mating in captivity loses its appeal, how do we know what’s possible when there are limited choices on offer? While there may seem to be excess in-app options, it’s still the same old broken model on offer.
Glue
Being curious and committed to the potential for eroticism to enhance a relationship and life at all stages is confronting. Yet, seen as a way to share and resolve issues, heal fractures in the psyche, and bring out the different parts of us, it may hold us through adaptation to age and possibility. Eroticism can be relationship glue, a sanctuary to choose and change, to find out more about ourselves and who we might be. Otherwise, stagnation, affairs and exterior distractions creep in, derailing the base of the early love and attraction that brings folx together. To create new expressions of love, tenderness and greatness in ourselves and each other is a gift worth living.
Being curious and committed to the potential for eroticism to enhance a relationship and life at all stages is confronting. Yet, seen as a way to share and resolve issues, heal fractures in the psyche, and bring out the different parts of us, it may hold us through adaptation to age and possibility. Eroticism can be relationship glue, a sanctuary to choose and change, to find out more about ourselves and who we might be. Otherwise, stagnation, affairs and exterior distractions creep in, derailing the base of the early love and attraction that brings folx together. To create new expressions of love, tenderness and greatness in ourselves and each other is a gift worth living.
Criticism
Holding the listening space for difference, with acceptance and non-judgment and without fixing or dismissing another's desire as boring, scary or bewildering, and without taking it personally, is a big ask. Yet unsolicited advice is heard as criticism more reliably offered than silence. Zipping it until asked for observations or suggestions is a smart move.
Holding the listening space for difference, with acceptance and non-judgment and without fixing or dismissing another's desire as boring, scary or bewildering, and without taking it personally, is a big ask. Yet unsolicited advice is heard as criticism more reliably offered than silence. Zipping it until asked for observations or suggestions is a smart move.
Unique
The way we see the world is how it is. Our limitations, history, shyness and urgency around love will be unique, yet it’s too easy to think this is the way life works and that others move to the same trauma, tune or motivation.
The way we see the world is how it is. Our limitations, history, shyness and urgency around love will be unique, yet it’s too easy to think this is the way life works and that others move to the same trauma, tune or motivation.
Turnaround
A challenge for my personality has been wondering where to commit, to overturn years of unconscious avoidance. I tried the wrong person for the right reason, to overcome a fear of entrapment. A Human Design reader told me I’ll only commit when I know I’m free to leave. Then I’ll choose the long rein or golden handcuffs willingly. Naturally uncompromising, I’m no longer cut out for tolerance of committing to an incompatible relationship, so I don’t have to be alone. Nor to ‘work on it’ in endless therapy. Believe me, you wouldn’t want the resentment or bondage either. I love the idea of hand-fasting, committing for a year and a day. If you ever see that happening, please know the effort of a lifelong turnaround. What a volte-face that joy and terror might be.
A challenge for my personality has been wondering where to commit, to overturn years of unconscious avoidance. I tried the wrong person for the right reason, to overcome a fear of entrapment. A Human Design reader told me I’ll only commit when I know I’m free to leave. Then I’ll choose the long rein or golden handcuffs willingly. Naturally uncompromising, I’m no longer cut out for tolerance of committing to an incompatible relationship, so I don’t have to be alone. Nor to ‘work on it’ in endless therapy. Believe me, you wouldn’t want the resentment or bondage either. I love the idea of hand-fasting, committing for a year and a day. If you ever see that happening, please know the effort of a lifelong turnaround. What a volte-face that joy and terror might be.
Generosity
I’ve been the recipient of untold generosity for my crazy ideas. Friends, family and colleagues offering time, attention, skills, support, 12-minute talks, cash and painting. I’m never quite sure why, and I’m unutterably grateful. There’s something so satisfying about a collective crazy idea coming into being.
I’ve been the recipient of untold generosity for my crazy ideas. Friends, family and colleagues offering time, attention, skills, support, 12-minute talks, cash and painting. I’m never quite sure why, and I’m unutterably grateful. There’s something so satisfying about a collective crazy idea coming into being.
Fool
Being a fool, trusting again and again is naive. Keeping our hearts open reeks of innocence, when it might be better to engage brain and say No. Yet I still fall for faith in goodness.
Being a fool, trusting again and again is naive. Keeping our hearts open reeks of innocence, when it might be better to engage brain and say No. Yet I still fall for faith in goodness.
Stoke
Staying curious about who you are, who you have chosen, and about life itself will serve you better than complacency. Recognising your power and longing helps to stoke a fire to live more fully, to be able to see the beauty and doorways into a more magical life than the one you’re being sold. Sacrifices have to be made, and there are no guarantees. Yet, there’s something about living from your own spirit and choices that allows the mistakes and glories to have a sweeter satisfaction and equanimity. Taking ownership of your life and putting your attention to co-creating supportive and enjoyable relationships is a decision. It’s a matter of trusting oneself to build awareness, skills, beliefs, and behaviour where change is not only possible but inevitable.
Staying curious about who you are, who you have chosen, and about life itself will serve you better than complacency. Recognising your power and longing helps to stoke a fire to live more fully, to be able to see the beauty and doorways into a more magical life than the one you’re being sold. Sacrifices have to be made, and there are no guarantees. Yet, there’s something about living from your own spirit and choices that allows the mistakes and glories to have a sweeter satisfaction and equanimity. Taking ownership of your life and putting your attention to co-creating supportive and enjoyable relationships is a decision. It’s a matter of trusting oneself to build awareness, skills, beliefs, and behaviour where change is not only possible but inevitable.
Quit
I quit when I’m bored or I can’t see the point. Or I’ve lost hope, or haven’t been appreciated. Sometimes I quit before I’m ahead, and something hasn’t even got off the ground. When something I had enthusiasm for one day falls away quickly in the face of organising it. I love it when that happens. One less thing on the to-do list. With fifty ideas before breakfast, that’s handy.
I quit when I’m bored or I can’t see the point. Or I’ve lost hope, or haven’t been appreciated. Sometimes I quit before I’m ahead, and something hasn’t even got off the ground. When something I had enthusiasm for one day falls away quickly in the face of organising it. I love it when that happens. One less thing on the to-do list. With fifty ideas before breakfast, that’s handy.