I’m a fan of loopholes, grey zones and seeing what’s possible. Any natural anti-authority stems from an unconscious belief that ‘the rules won’t let me’. It’s a drag. Yet, what if there is no big tantric rule book in the sky, what if there is a way through, and what if obstacles might disappear? These questions emerge from a curiosity about what’s true. Limiting beliefs are acquired in earlier years in response to not getting what we needed, whether that was the recognition of our potential, creativity, sensitivity or personhood. Operating from the unconscious, insidiously limiting our potential, restricting us from wholeness, while shrinking possibility and courage. Sadly, they weren’t true then, and they’re not true now. Yet the lack of feeling encouraged persists. The trick is to spot the limitations and consciously commit to moving beyond.

Truce

Polyamory done well is an art, there’s enough love to go around and no one feels left out, needs are met, security offered and compersion reigns. Another wonderful idealism when it works, challenging when it doesn’t. What if it's not whether we’re polyamorous or monogamous? There are so many kinds of relating. Maybe love is simply a truce? Of picking the person or people whose way of relating makes sense with your own to offer meaning compatible to the tenderness of past hurts as well as future desires. A meaningful island of sanity in a confusing cloud of options.

How do we stay grounded in ourselves? I don’t know how you do it. It cost me a lot of cash, time and effort to get steady. I had to let go of hopes and dreams and create more realistic ones. Only after I’d turned up day after day, with a commitment to myself, to getting organised, to letting go of distractions and my natural proclivities to pursue escapism and pleasure instead of discipline. Reining in and following through. Determination played a bigger part than discipline. And then the magic happened.

What are all the ways you’ve been disappointed in love? It takes a while to understand that old patterns play out. So, unless you find someone whose complementary trauma meets yours, and they or you are prepared to put up with a compromise for the sake of commitment, the relationship wheels keep on turning. A chance each time to cultivate self-awareness and to realise that all may not be well within ourselves. Acceptance of our flaws and recognition of our hidden gifts are as important influences as any of the other qualities on our putative lists of perfect partners.

I don’t get this people-pleasing thing. I’m just doing my own thing over here. If you like it, great. If you don’t, great. You do the thing that pleases you.

As individual personalities, we’ll be motivated by different impulses, differ in values, and see the world through a different lens. We’re not made for everyone to like us. Or be like us. What suits you might not suit me, and vice versa. Yet what interests me is where we coincide and what we might create. Can you accept enough of me and me enough in you, to make it possible to get on, spend time together, and head in similar directions, even for a while? Can we support each other, or do we need to veer onto different paths? It's cool either way; let's be a gift to each other when we have the chance.

You are amazing. A small miracle of existence. A piece of frisky stardust. A speck in time. On a big planet in an infinitesimal universe. I forget that, too. My insignificance is huge.

I’ve made sure to avoid politics after studying for a degree in it, and I avoided news after training as a journalist. Instead, I’ve concentrated on the personal, to have unconditional positive regard for individuals. To believe we’re all trying our best, even when we could act better. To know we all make mistakes, and while many of them are a valuable lesson, there’s still the burning blush of remembering my idiocy in my cheeks.

How do we resolve conflict when there isn’t a win-win? When it's a nil sum. When what one person wants is directly opposite to another. Whether that’s capitalism, colonialism or one person wanting sexual freedom, while the other would like intimacy contained in a relationship. We’re going to get disappointed, hurt, or lose out. We’re also going to be the ones who hurt and disappoint others.. We can easily unconsciously be the person who over-takes, rather than the more socially acceptable over-giving. We often have no idea how much others accommodate our way of being, or give way so that we can have what we like. Living brings all these aspects into being. There’s an inevitability to inherent privilege which can shift when it’s expressed or when requests for changes in behaviour are voiced. When solutions are found instead of resentments. And an agreement made explicit about giving way more equally, or exiting the exploiting situation.

I find change exciting. Novelty and variety are offset by loss and uncertainty. Change is great when you’re bored with one way of being. Less fabulous when you’re happy with what you’ve got. Either way, change is inevitable. Imagine if it wasn’t. I once read a piece inviting us to consider if the hours we spend in consecutive moments were done in periods over a lifetime instead. Imagine thirty years sleeping, 2 years showering, 5.4 years eating, 2 years making love, 4.5 years of arguing, 15 years of dissatisfaction, 6 years of failure, 7 mins of bliss, 25 years of television. It’s an invitation to choose what we do with our precious time. 2 years and 7 minutes doesn't seem enough.

Writing a book opened doors I’d never have imagined. Doors and corridors with more doors. Following the writing muse has taken me to countries, artists’ residencies, holidays, and desks with views of volcanoes. And wonder as words tippled out and stories told themselves. The sexuality journey was the same.

Kink can be healing. It's not all pain and paddles and prickly things. If you like that, great, go ahead. There’s a nuance to conscious kink that allows the emergence and witnessing of parts of us that are suppressed or hidden. In being generous with others with their hidden aspects, we each get to experience expansion and acceptance.

Boredom has motivated much of my seeking. Dissatisfaction is a close second. Disappointment is a later-recognised third. To move from frustration to satisfaction is more complex than a daily gratitude practice. Though my internal state is soothed by being grateful for trees and the taste of oranges, external change also helps. Recognising that we live in the miracle of existence is easier some days than others.

Naughtiness is an emotional aphrodisiac and counterbalance to guilt. Try it. A little psychological transgression to flip you into forbidden territory is a dive into potential pleasure.

Receiving can be challenging,  as first we have to know what we want to receive. Sometimes that can be nothing. It can be space. Space to not know, space and time to decide. Space not to meet anyone's expectation, space to not have to be bothered, space for ourselves, space to ask for support if we need something, space as distance, space to read, space to be creative, to pursue our own satisfactions, regardless of what anyone else wants us to want from them. And that’s hard for intimate partners who may want love, touch, closeness, intimacy, to be seen, held and to feel physical, emotional and mental connection. Asking for time alone runs the risk of someone else feeling rejected or hurt. Natural enough, as “I need space” is often a signal of unrest or unhappiness in the relationship. Yet distance gives time for reflection. Withdrawal allows breathing space, time to take stock and arrive at new perspectives.

There are people whom we meet who have a lasting influence on us long after our connection with them has passed. Whether it’s a quality they possess that we want to emulate or an unspoken connection that might never have been fulfilled, there’s a spirit that connects us. An ineffable sense of inexplicable importance, as if we’ve met a soul connection, however briefly. In life, we might meet thousands of people, though few have a lasting impact. I wonder if those people model for us how we’re going to be? Without projecting, are they unconscious guides to our future? Jack Morin in The Erotic Mind talks about importing and exporting from people who have a strong impact on us. Unconsciously, we want to ‘import’ from them what we can’t yet see in ourselves, and they’re doing the same from us as we unconsciously export our radiant qualities. Being aware of what we admire in others is a great key to what we want to develop in ourselves.

I've been waiting years for a soulmate. An unconscious motivation of idealism, and almost impossible to achieve compatible perfection. Let’s see. Life is long.

Imperfection reigns, and that’s natural. It's the basis for change. It’s not enough to shrug and think that’s how you are. Change is possible, and behavioural change is required. Not just for the people you’re undermining, but for you. Leave or be kinder. Either way is good.

Never underestimate the power of a random encounter to create the freedom of hope that comes with meeting an attractive stranger. “I’m leaving the country in a few days” is a cue for the beauty of such a possibility.

How do you love? What is loving about you? It’s all too easy to believe the demons on your shoulder about not being worthy. And the ones pecking your head, telling you that love will come after you’ve finished your to-do list of being a better human. And the angels whispering for you to call in the one. Who knows what works beyond clearing a drawer, finishing a to-do list and hammering some limiting beliefs on the head? Let’s let go of the idea that relationships will be perfect all of the time, and if someone does something not to your liking, then they’re wrong and you’re right. Meeting the reality of difference could allow a love to emerge grounded in understanding, space and acceptance. Separation may or may not follow.