Mistakes
I’ve made sure to avoid politics after studying for a degree in it, and I avoided news after training as a journalist. Instead, I’ve concentrated on the personal, to have unconditional positive regard for individuals. To believe we’re all trying our best, even when we could act better. To know we all make mistakes, and while many of them are a valuable lesson, there’s still the burning blush of remembering my idiocy in my cheeks.
I’ve made sure to avoid politics after studying for a degree in it, and I avoided news after training as a journalist. Instead, I’ve concentrated on the personal, to have unconditional positive regard for individuals. To believe we’re all trying our best, even when we could act better. To know we all make mistakes, and while many of them are a valuable lesson, there’s still the burning blush of remembering my idiocy in my cheeks.
Nil sum
How do we resolve conflict when there isn’t a win-win? When it's a nil sum. When what one person wants is directly opposite to another. Whether that’s capitalism, colonialism or one person wanting sexual freedom, while the other would like intimacy contained in a relationship. We’re going to get disappointed, hurt, or lose out. We’re also going to be the ones who hurt and disappoint others.. We can easily unconsciously be the person who over-takes, rather than the more socially acceptable over-giving. We often have no idea how much others accommodate our way of being, or give way so that we can have what we like. Living brings all these aspects into being. There’s an inevitability to inherent privilege which can shift when it’s expressed or when requests for changes in behaviour are voiced. When solutions are found instead of resentments. And an agreement made explicit about giving way more equally, or exiting the exploiting situation.
How do we resolve conflict when there isn’t a win-win? When it's a nil sum. When what one person wants is directly opposite to another. Whether that’s capitalism, colonialism or one person wanting sexual freedom, while the other would like intimacy contained in a relationship. We’re going to get disappointed, hurt, or lose out. We’re also going to be the ones who hurt and disappoint others. We can easily unconsciously be the person who over-takes, rather than the more socially acceptable over-giving. We often have no idea how much others accommodate our way of being, or give way so that we can have what we like. Living brings all these aspects into being. There’s an inevitability to inherent privilege which can shift when it’s expressed or when requests for changes in behaviour are voiced. When solutions are found instead of resentments. And an agreement made explicit about giving way more equally, or exiting the exploiting situation.
Change
I find change exciting. Novelty and variety are offset by loss and uncertainty. Change is great when you’re bored with one way of being. Less fabulous when you’re happy with what you’ve got. Either way, change is inevitable. Imagine if it wasn’t. I once read a piece inviting us to consider if the hours we spend in consecutive moments were done in periods over a lifetime instead. Imagine thirty years sleeping, 2 years showering, 5.4 years eating, 2 years making love, 4.5 years of arguing, 15 years of dissatisfaction, 6 years of failure, 7 mins of bliss, 25 years of television. It’s an invitation to choose what we do with our precious time. 2 years and 7 minutes doesn't seem enough.
I find change exciting. Novelty and variety are offset by loss and uncertainty. Change is great when you’re bored with one way of being. Less fabulous when you’re happy with what you’ve got. Either way, change is inevitable. Imagine if it wasn’t. I once read a piece inviting us to consider if the hours we spend in consecutive moments were done in periods over a lifetime instead. Imagine thirty years sleeping, 2 years showering, 5.4 years eating, 2 years making love, 4.5 years of arguing, 15 years of dissatisfaction, 6 years of failure, 7 mins of bliss, 25 years of television. It’s an invitation to choose what we do with our precious time. 2 years and 7 minutes doesn't seem enough.
Doors
Writing a book opened doors I’d never have imagined. Doors and corridors with more doors. Following the writing muse has taken me to countries, artists’ residencies, holidays, and desks with views of volcanoes. And wonder as words tippled out and stories told themselves. The sexuality journey was the same.
Writing a book opened doors I’d never have imagined. Doors and corridors with more doors. Following the writing muse has taken me to countries, artists’ residencies, holidays, and desks with views of volcanoes. And wonder as words tippled out and stories told themselves. The sexuality journey was the same.
Allowance
Kink can be healing. It's not all pain and paddles and prickly things. If you like that, great, go ahead. There’s a nuance to conscious kink that allows the emergence and witnessing of parts of us that are suppressed or hidden. In being generous with others with their hidden aspects, we each get to experience expansion and acceptance.
Kink can be healing. It's not all pain and paddles and prickly things. If you like that, great, go ahead. There’s a nuance to conscious kink that allows the emergence and witnessing of parts of us that are suppressed or hidden. In being generous with others with their hidden aspects, we each get to experience expansion and acceptance.
Ingratitude
Boredom has motivated much of my seeking. Dissatisfaction is a close second. Disappointment is a later-recognised third. To move from frustration to satisfaction is more complex than a daily gratitude practice. Though my internal state is soothed by being grateful for trees and the taste of oranges, external change also helps. Recognising that we live in the miracle of existence is easier some days than others.
Boredom has motivated much of my seeking. Dissatisfaction is a close second. Disappointment is a later-recognised third. To move from frustration to satisfaction is more complex than a daily gratitude practice. Though my internal state is soothed by being grateful for trees and the taste of oranges, external change also helps. Recognising that we live in the miracle of existence is easier some days than others.
Naughtiness
Naughtiness is an emotional aphrodisiac and counterbalance to guilt. Try it. A little psychological transgression to flip you into forbidden territory is a dive into potential pleasure.
Naughtiness is an emotional aphrodisiac and counterbalance to guilt. Try it. A little psychological transgression to flip you into forbidden territory is a dive into potential pleasure.
Space
Receiving can be challenging, as first we have to know what we want to receive. Sometimes that can be nothing. It can be space. Space to not know, space and time to decide. Space not to meet anyone's expectation, space to not have to be bothered, space for ourselves, space to ask for support if we need something, space as distance, space to read, space to be creative, to pursue our own satisfactions, regardless of what anyone else wants us to want from them. And that’s hard for intimate partners who may want love, touch, closeness, intimacy, to be seen, held and to feel physical, emotional and mental connection. Asking for time alone runs the risk of someone else feeling rejected or hurt. Natural enough, as “I need space” is often a signal of unrest or unhappiness in the relationship. Yet distance gives time for reflection. Withdrawal allows breathing space, time to take stock and arrive at new perspectives.
Receiving can be challenging, as first we have to know what we want to receive. Sometimes that can be nothing. It can be space. Space to not know, space and time to decide. Space not to meet anyone's expectation, space to not have to be bothered, space for ourselves, space to ask for support if we need something, space as distance, space to read, space to be creative, to pursue our own satisfactions, regardless of what anyone else wants us to want from them. And that’s hard for intimate partners who may want love, touch, closeness, intimacy, to be seen, held and to feel physical, emotional and mental connection. Asking for time alone runs the risk of someone else feeling rejected or hurt. Natural enough, as “I need space” is often a signal of unrest or unhappiness in the relationship. Yet distance gives time for reflection. Withdrawal allows breathing space, time to take stock and arrive at new perspectives.
Influence
There are people whom we meet who have a lasting influence on us long after our connection with them has passed. Whether it’s a quality they possess that we want to emulate or an unspoken connection that might never have been fulfilled, there’s a spirit that connects us. An ineffable sense of inexplicable importance, as if we’ve met a soul connection, however briefly. In life, we might meet thousands of people, though few have a lasting impact. I wonder if those people model for us how we’re going to be? Without projecting, are they unconscious guides to our future? Jack Morin in The Erotic Mind talks about importing and exporting from people who have a strong impact on us. Unconsciously, we want to ‘import’ from them what we can’t yet see in ourselves, and they’re doing the same from us as we unconsciously export our radiant qualities. Being aware of what we admire in others is a great key to what we want to develop in ourselves.
There are people whom we meet who have a lasting influence on us long after our connection with them has passed. Whether it’s a quality they possess that we want to emulate or an unspoken connection that might never have been fulfilled, there’s a spirit that connects us. An ineffable sense of inexplicable importance, as if we’ve met a soul connection, however briefly. In life, we might meet thousands of people, though few have a lasting impact. I wonder if those people model for us how we’re going to be? Without projecting, are they unconscious guides to our future? Jack Morin in The Erotic Mind talks about importing and exporting from people who have a strong impact on us. Unconsciously, we want to ‘import’ from them what we can’t yet see in ourselves, and they’re doing the same from us as we unconsciously export our radiant qualities. Being aware of what we admire in others is a great key to what we want to develop in ourselves.
Soulmate
I've been waiting years for a soulmate. An unconscious motivation of idealism, and almost impossible to achieve compatible perfection. Let’s see. Life is long.
I've been waiting years for a soulmate. An unconscious motivation of idealism, and almost impossible to achieve compatible perfection. Let’s see. Life is long.
Imperfection
Imperfection reigns, and that’s natural. It's the basis for change. It’s not enough to shrug and think that’s how you are. Change is possible, and behavioural change is required. Not just for the people you’re undermining, but for you. Leave or be kinder. Either way is good.
Imperfection reigns, and that’s natural. It's the basis for change. It’s not enough to shrug and think that’s how you are. Change is possible, and behavioural change is required. Not just for the people you’re undermining, but for you. Leave or be kinder. Either way is good.
Stranger
Never underestimate the power of a random encounter to create the freedom of hope that comes with meeting an attractive stranger. “I’m leaving the country in a few days” is a cue for the beauty of such a possibility.
Never underestimate the power of a random encounter to create the freedom of hope that comes with meeting an attractive stranger. “I’m leaving the country in a few days” is a cue for the beauty of such a possibility.
Separation
How do you love? What is loving about you? It’s all too easy to believe the demons on your shoulder about not being worthy. And the ones pecking your head, telling you that love will come after you’ve finished your to-do list of being a better human. And the angels whispering for you to call in the one. Who knows what works beyond clearing a drawer, finishing a to-do list and hammering some limiting beliefs on the head? Let’s let go of the idea that relationships will be perfect all of the time, and if someone does something not to your liking, then they’re wrong and you’re right. Meeting the reality of difference could allow a love to emerge grounded in understanding, space and acceptance. Separation may or may not follow.
How do you love? What is loving about you? It’s all too easy to believe the demons on your shoulder about not being worthy. And the ones pecking your head, telling you that love will come after you’ve finished your to-do list of being a better human. And the angels whispering for you to call in the one. Who knows what works beyond clearing a drawer, finishing a to-do list and hammering some limiting beliefs on the head? Let’s let go of the idea that relationships will be perfect all of the time, and if someone does something not to your liking, then they’re wrong and you’re right. Meeting the reality of difference could allow a love to emerge grounded in understanding, space and acceptance. Separation may or may not follow.
Grow
How do we grow in compassion and love, breaking out of the beliefs that pulled us into drama triangles into something more soothing, enjoyable and supportive?
How do we grow in compassion and love, breaking out of the beliefs that pulled us into drama triangles into something more soothing, enjoyable and supportive?
Change
“If you don’t like it, change it. You’re not a tree.” Words my Tantra teacher used to say. You always have more power than you think. Change is hard and seems to take undue effort and attention. Yet change happens in micro adjustments and big revelations. When we see our unhelpful beliefs and behaviour, we have a chance to question and change our perception of the world. Staying focused on what we can do matters. Feeling powerless and furious is a good start. Channelling that into effective action for change might be easier than complaining. I used to do a lot of complaining. It was just boring and ineffectual. Creating change is more rewarding than complaining.
“If you don’t like it, change it. You’re not a tree.” Words my Tantra teacher used to say. You always have more power than you think. Change is hard and seems to take undue effort and attention. Yet change happens in micro adjustments and big revelations. When we see our unhelpful beliefs and behaviour, we have a chance to question and change our perception of the world. Staying focused on what we can do matters. Feeling powerless and furious is a good start. Channelling that into effective action for change might be easier than complaining. I used to do a lot of complaining. It was just boring and ineffectual. Creating change is more rewarding than complaining.
Reckoning
What would your most recent ex say is tough to be with you? Why did your exes leave you? While not all of them are worth listening to, is it worth a modicum of your time to work out your pattern of where your shadows have played out time after time? Your avoidance or anxiety, your need for validation or control, your resistance to change, your unspoken expectations, your unconscious rules for love, the annoying things you do and are dissatisfied with. Add to that lack or excess of self-belief, narcissism or princess and the pea pickiness. It wasn’t just them, it’s also you. Still, it's good to be free.
What would your most recent ex say is tough to be with you? Why did your exes leave you? While not all of them are worth listening to, is it worth a modicum of your time to work out your pattern of where your shadows have played out time after time? Your avoidance or anxiety, your need for validation or control, your resistance to change, your unspoken expectations, your unconscious rules for love, the annoying things you do and are dissatisfied with. Add to that lack or excess of self-belief, narcissism or princess and the pea pickiness. It wasn’t just them, it’s also you. Still, it's good to be free.
Miracle
Being in a body is a miracle; being incarnated into existence is a gift. Wasting the miracle on the minutiae of grievance rather than creation vexes me.
Being in a body is a miracle; being incarnated into existence is a gift. Wasting the miracle on the minutiae of grievance rather than creation vexes me.
Self-made
The myth of self-reliance is a double bind. There’s satisfaction in feeling the results of one's labour and vision. The idea that we do it alone is ludicrous. The notion of self-made crumbles when we think of the structures in our lives that allowed us the chance to succeed. We may have had an idea or determination, but there’s also birth control, modern dentistry, the washing machine and the internet that release us from drudgery and allow access to ease.
The myth of self-reliance is a double bind. There’s satisfaction in feeling the results of one's labour and vision. The idea that we do it alone is ludicrous. The notion of self-made crumbles when we think of the structures in our lives that allowed us the chance to succeed. We may have had an idea or determination, but there’s also birth control, modern dentistry, the washing machine and the internet that release us from drudgery and allow access to ease.
First
Go first. Once you know about healing, it’s great to model it in life. It’s tough, both at a distance and close to home. One way of making naive idealism practical is to go first in the small conflicts with friends and family. To be the first to apologise, to clear misunderstandings, to be aware where you’re someone else’s button pusher, and to show where you hurt. We’re all sensitive to the things that touch on old wounds. The more we see it in each other, the more compassionate we can be.
Go first. Once you know about healing, it’s great to model it in life. It’s tough, both at a distance and close to home. One way of making naive idealism practical is to go first in the small conflicts with friends and family. To be the first to apologise, to clear misunderstandings, to be aware where you’re someone else’s button pusher, and to show where you hurt. We’re all sensitive to the things that touch on old wounds. The more we see it in each other, the more compassionate we can be.
Mistakes
There’s nothing like making many mistakes and trying many things to know what I was missing out on. The grass was greener. The false morality of catholic upbringing takes some dismantling. I’m only really saved by the pushy, transgressive, curious side of me that wants the good-bad things. That wants safe risk, to find my edges and be seduced through them on my terms. Wholesome is nice, but I long for permission. For the things I didn’t think were allowed. And of the surprising things that I didn’t know anyone would want.
There’s nothing like making many mistakes and trying many things to know what I was missing out on. The grass was greener. The false morality of catholic upbringing takes some dismantling. I’m only really saved by the pushy, transgressive, curious side of me that wants the good-bad things. That wants safe risk, to find my edges and be seduced through them on my terms. Wholesome is nice, but I long for permission. For the things I didn’t think were allowed. And of the surprising things that I didn’t know anyone would want.