Influence
There are people whom we meet who have a lasting influence on us long after our connection with them has passed. Whether it’s a quality they possess that we want to emulate or an unspoken connection that might never have been fulfilled, there’s a spirit that connects us. An ineffable sense of inexplicable importance, as if we’ve met a soul connection, however briefly. In life, we might meet thousands of people, though few have a lasting impact. I wonder if those people model for us how we’re going to be? Without projecting, are they unconscious guides to our future? Jack Morin in The Erotic Mind talks about importing and exporting from people who have a strong impact on us. Unconsciously, we want to ‘import’ from them what we can’t yet see in ourselves, and they’re doing the same from us as we unconsciously export our radiant qualities. Being aware of what we admire in others is a great key to what we want to develop in ourselves.
There are people whom we meet who have a lasting influence on us long after our connection with them has passed. Whether it’s a quality they possess that we want to emulate or an unspoken connection that might never have been fulfilled, there’s a spirit that connects us. An ineffable sense of inexplicable importance, as if we’ve met a soul connection, however briefly. In life, we might meet thousands of people, though few have a lasting impact. I wonder if those people model for us how we’re going to be? Without projecting, are they unconscious guides to our future? Jack Morin in The Erotic Mind talks about importing and exporting from people who have a strong impact on us. Unconsciously, we want to ‘import’ from them what we can’t yet see in ourselves, and they’re doing the same from us as we unconsciously export our radiant qualities. Being aware of what we admire in others is a great key to what we want to develop in ourselves.
Soulmate
I've been waiting years for a soulmate. An unconscious motivation of idealism, and almost impossible to achieve compatible perfection. Let’s see. Life is long.
I've been waiting years for a soulmate. An unconscious motivation of idealism, and almost impossible to achieve compatible perfection. Let’s see. Life is long.
Imperfection
Imperfection reigns, and that’s natural. It's the basis for change. It’s not enough to shrug and think that’s how you are. Change is possible, and behavioural change is required. Not just for the people you’re undermining, but for you. Leave or be kinder. Either way is good.
Imperfection reigns, and that’s natural. It's the basis for change. It’s not enough to shrug and think that’s how you are. Change is possible, and behavioural change is required. Not just for the people you’re undermining, but for you. Leave or be kinder. Either way is good.
Stranger
Never underestimate the power of a random encounter to create the freedom of hope that comes with meeting an attractive stranger. “I’m leaving the country in a few days” is a cue for the beauty of such a possibility.
Never underestimate the power of a random encounter to create the freedom of hope that comes with meeting an attractive stranger. “I’m leaving the country in a few days” is a cue for the beauty of such a possibility.
Separation
How do you love? What is loving about you? It’s all too easy to believe the demons on your shoulder about not being worthy. And the ones pecking your head, telling you that love will come after you’ve finished your to-do list of being a better human. And the angels whispering for you to call in the one. Who knows what works beyond clearing a drawer, finishing a to-do list and hammering some limiting beliefs on the head? Let’s let go of the idea that relationships will be perfect all of the time, and if someone does something not to your liking, then they’re wrong and you’re right. Meeting the reality of difference could allow a love to emerge grounded in understanding, space and acceptance. Separation may or may not follow.
How do you love? What is loving about you? It’s all too easy to believe the demons on your shoulder about not being worthy. And the ones pecking your head, telling you that love will come after you’ve finished your to-do list of being a better human. And the angels whispering for you to call in the one. Who knows what works beyond clearing a drawer, finishing a to-do list and hammering some limiting beliefs on the head? Let’s let go of the idea that relationships will be perfect all of the time, and if someone does something not to your liking, then they’re wrong and you’re right. Meeting the reality of difference could allow a love to emerge grounded in understanding, space and acceptance. Separation may or may not follow.
Grow
How do we grow in compassion and love, breaking out of the beliefs that pulled us into drama triangles into something more soothing, enjoyable and supportive?
How do we grow in compassion and love, breaking out of the beliefs that pulled us into drama triangles into something more soothing, enjoyable and supportive?
Change
“If you don’t like it, change it. You’re not a tree.” Words my Tantra teacher used to say. You always have more power than you think. Change is hard and seems to take undue effort and attention. Yet change happens in micro adjustments and big revelations. When we see our unhelpful beliefs and behaviour, we have a chance to question and change our perception of the world. Staying focused on what we can do matters. Feeling powerless and furious is a good start. Channelling that into effective action for change might be easier than complaining. I used to do a lot of complaining. It was just boring and ineffectual. Creating change is more rewarding than complaining.
“If you don’t like it, change it. You’re not a tree.” Words my Tantra teacher used to say. You always have more power than you think. Change is hard and seems to take undue effort and attention. Yet change happens in micro adjustments and big revelations. When we see our unhelpful beliefs and behaviour, we have a chance to question and change our perception of the world. Staying focused on what we can do matters. Feeling powerless and furious is a good start. Channelling that into effective action for change might be easier than complaining. I used to do a lot of complaining. It was just boring and ineffectual. Creating change is more rewarding than complaining.
Reckoning
What would your most recent ex say is tough to be with you? Why did your exes leave you? While not all of them are worth listening to, is it worth a modicum of your time to work out your pattern of where your shadows have played out time after time? Your avoidance or anxiety, your need for validation or control, your resistance to change, your unspoken expectations, your unconscious rules for love, the annoying things you do and are dissatisfied with. Add to that lack or excess of self-belief, narcissism or princess and the pea pickiness. It wasn’t just them, it’s also you. Still, it's good to be free.
What would your most recent ex say is tough to be with you? Why did your exes leave you? While not all of them are worth listening to, is it worth a modicum of your time to work out your pattern of where your shadows have played out time after time? Your avoidance or anxiety, your need for validation or control, your resistance to change, your unspoken expectations, your unconscious rules for love, the annoying things you do and are dissatisfied with. Add to that lack or excess of self-belief, narcissism or princess and the pea pickiness. It wasn’t just them, it’s also you. Still, it's good to be free.
Miracle
Being in a body is a miracle; being incarnated into existence is a gift. Wasting the miracle on the minutiae of grievance rather than creation vexes me.
Being in a body is a miracle; being incarnated into existence is a gift. Wasting the miracle on the minutiae of grievance rather than creation vexes me.
Self-made
The myth of self-reliance is a double bind. There’s satisfaction in feeling the results of one's labour and vision. The idea that we do it alone is ludicrous. The notion of self-made crumbles when we think of the structures in our lives that allowed us the chance to succeed. We may have had an idea or determination, but there’s also birth control, modern dentistry, the washing machine and the internet that release us from drudgery and allow access to ease.
The myth of self-reliance is a double bind. There’s satisfaction in feeling the results of one's labour and vision. The idea that we do it alone is ludicrous. The notion of self-made crumbles when we think of the structures in our lives that allowed us the chance to succeed. We may have had an idea or determination, but there’s also birth control, modern dentistry, the washing machine and the internet that release us from drudgery and allow access to ease.
First
Go first. Once you know about healing, it’s great to model it in life. It’s tough, both at a distance and close to home. One way of making naive idealism practical is to go first in the small conflicts with friends and family. To be the first to apologise, to clear misunderstandings, to be aware where you’re someone else’s button pusher, and to show where you hurt. We’re all sensitive to the things that touch on old wounds. The more we see it in each other, the more compassionate we can be.
Go first. Once you know about healing, it’s great to model it in life. It’s tough, both at a distance and close to home. One way of making naive idealism practical is to go first in the small conflicts with friends and family. To be the first to apologise, to clear misunderstandings, to be aware where you’re someone else’s button pusher, and to show where you hurt. We’re all sensitive to the things that touch on old wounds. The more we see it in each other, the more compassionate we can be.
Mistakes
There’s nothing like making many mistakes and trying many things to know what I was missing out on. The grass was greener. The false morality of catholic upbringing takes some dismantling. I’m only really saved by the pushy, transgressive, curious side of me that wants the good-bad things. That wants safe risk, to find my edges and be seduced through them on my terms. Wholesome is nice, but I long for permission. For the things I didn’t think were allowed. And of the surprising things that I didn’t know anyone would want.
There’s nothing like making many mistakes and trying many things to know what I was missing out on. The grass was greener. The false morality of catholic upbringing takes some dismantling. I’m only really saved by the pushy, transgressive, curious side of me that wants the good-bad things. That wants safe risk, to find my edges and be seduced through them on my terms. Wholesome is nice, but I long for permission. For the things I didn’t think were allowed. And of the surprising things that I didn’t know anyone would want.
Intrusion
“I’m touchy-feely, me.” When I challenge people on unwanted touch, their defensiveness is understandable. People want a hug or a connection. I understand that, and I see their hope. People apologise, are taken aback, or jump to the conclusion that something bad has happened to me in the past, and I have a problem. The problem wasn’t then, it’s now. I don’t want to be enfolded in unwanted arms, I don’t want people rubbing my back in a duck-assed hug, I don't want intrusion, or touch by stealth. Just ask.
“I’m touchy-feely, me.” When I challenge people on unwanted touch, their defensiveness is understandable. People want a hug or a connection. I understand that, and I see their hope. People apologise, are taken aback, or jump to the conclusion that something bad has happened to me in the past, and I have a problem. The problem wasn’t then, it’s now. I don’t want to be enfolded in unwanted arms, I don’t want people rubbing my back in a duck-assed hug, I don't want intrusion, or touch by stealth. Just ask.
Decide
I’m a sex coach and over a decade have trained with incredible teachers like Dr Betty Martin and had personal encounters that have pulled words and the honesty out of me, in spaces that allowed my secrecy, judgment and reticence to feel safe enough to dissolve, however excruciating. Sometimes, simply being asked an interesting question was enough, or being offered something I’d never considered before. I've taken part in countless listening pairs, sharing circles and groups with folx committed to self-awareness and honesty. I needed to be inspired, to have role models and structures. It's too hard to discover all of this alone. If the commitment to change is a personal decision, with others, we have a chance to practice relationally, to become who we want to be.
I’m a sex coach and over a decade have trained with incredible teachers like Dr Betty Martin and had personal encounters that have pulled words and the honesty out of me, in spaces that allowed my secrecy, judgment and reticence to feel safe enough to dissolve, however excruciating. Sometimes, simply being asked an interesting question was enough, or being offered something I’d never considered before. I've taken part in countless listening pairs, sharing circles and groups with folx committed to self-awareness and honesty. I needed to be inspired, to have role models and structures. It's too hard to discover all of this alone. If the commitment to change is a personal decision, with others, we have a chance to practice relationally, to become who we want to be.
Projection
Don’t believe everything you imagine or feel about another, it might be a projection. Check, check and check again with yourself and the other person. Don’t outsource or disown your own feelings. With less pride in feeling you’re an empath, as that can be a form of hyper-vigilance, instead, try saying, “May I check with you?” or “I’m imagining that you’re feeling x and y”. Being on the receiving end of such a phrase is at once charming, innocent, and reassuring, allowing us to get to know our friendly empath better, to sit alongside them and witness their attempt to gauge the world for safety and approval. Just like us. It’s a brave friend who offers us permission for honesty.
Don’t believe everything you imagine or feel about another, it might be a projection. Check, check and check again with yourself and the other person. Don’t outsource or disown your own feelings. With less pride in feeling you’re an empath, as that can be a form of hyper-vigilance, instead, try saying, “May I check with you?” or “I’m imagining that you’re feeling x and y”. Being on the receiving end of such a phrase is at once charming, innocent, and reassuring, allowing us to get to know our friendly empath better, to sit alongside them and witness their attempt to gauge the world for safety and approval. Just like us. It’s a brave friend who offers us permission for honesty.
Temple
If you get the chance to attend a Temple night, I encourage you. What happens in a temple? Only what you agree to. There are warm-up exercises for connecting, and later, there’s usually time for free choices. Once the building blocks of consent are established, you’re asked what you’d like to experience. At first, it’s hard to know what to say, and it’s inspiring to hear others' requests and perhaps to respond to the ones that pique your interest. It’s a chance to experience different people and situations, to sample and to connect. Sometimes you have to wait and witness for a while. When you pair up or join a group, you’ll have a conversation about what you do and don’t want to do. Limits are as important and welcome as wishes, and vital to feeling contained enough to experiment. Knowing that what you don’t want to happen won’t happen allows safety and relaxation. You choose if you want to create or to respond. Take it from there.
If you get the chance to attend a Temple night, I encourage you. What happens in a temple? Only what you agree to. There are warm-up exercises for connecting, and later, there’s usually time for free choices. Once the building blocks of consent are established, you’re asked what you’d like to experience. At first, it’s hard to know what to say, and it’s inspiring to hear others' requests and perhaps to respond to the ones that pique your interest. It’s a chance to experience different people and situations, to sample and to connect. Sometimes you have to wait and witness for a while. When you pair up or join a group, you’ll have a conversation about what you do and don’t want to do. Limits are as important and welcome as wishes, and vital to feeling contained enough to experiment. Knowing that what you don’t want to happen won’t happen allows safety and relaxation. You choose if you want to create or to respond. Take it from there.
Doubt
Doubt is an ocean I’ve swum in for years. It’s made me cautious, sceptical, slow, reckless, persuadable, open, mistaken, impulsive, anxious, experimental and wise. Yet seeing uncertainty differently as a chance to be thoughtful and considered, doubt has helped me take time, to come back to myself, to slow down, to speak and act when I’m surer. I’ve learned I can hold creative tension, that doubt doesn’t need to stop me acting but to give due consideration. Waiting is good, and patience is peaceful. Doubt is grounding.
Doubt is an ocean I’ve swum in for years. It’s made me cautious, sceptical, slow, reckless, persuadable, open, mistaken, impulsive, anxious, experimental and wise. Yet seeing uncertainty differently as a chance to be thoughtful and considered, doubt has helped me take time, to come back to myself, to slow down, to speak and act when I’m surer. I’ve learned I can hold creative tension, that doubt doesn’t need to stop me acting but to give due consideration. Waiting is good, and patience is peaceful. Doubt is grounding.
Tough
Learning to feel what you’d love is an embodied practice. Learning how to feel and ask for what you want, to speak the words aloud, and to say No and Yes, is tough at first and then it’s a quest for honesty and intimacy. It takes courage to rock the boat, to call time on conditioning in a dominant heteronormative model. It takes strength and new beliefs to understand your body is your domain, that your emotions, feelings and pleasure are up to you, to understand more is possible. To build an embodied sense of self with choices about what to experience.
Learning to feel what you’d love is an embodied practice. Learning how to feel and ask for what you want, to speak the words aloud, and to say No and Yes, is tough at first and then it’s a quest for honesty and intimacy. It takes courage to rock the boat, to call time on conditioning in a dominant heteronormative model. It takes strength and new beliefs to understand your body is your domain, that your emotions, feelings and pleasure are up to you, to understand more is possible. To build an embodied sense of self with choices about what to experience.