Rubbish
Admitting what I’m rubbish at is quite freeing and honest. Attention to detail, commitment and completion are not my best skills. Nor is there the willingness to be with lengthy emotional processes. I’d have made a terrible counsellor. Now that you know that about me, you can tell me what you don’t like doing or aren’t good at . Let’s not burden each other with unrealistic expectations of qualities beyond our limits.
Admitting what I’m rubbish at is quite freeing and honest. Attention to detail, commitment and completion are not my best skills. Nor is there the willingness to be with lengthy emotional processes. I’d have made a terrible counsellor. Now that you know that about me, you can tell me what you don’t like doing or aren’t good at . Let’s not burden each other with unrealistic expectations of qualities beyond our limits.
Astonishment
I still love the feeling of astonishment when things turn out better than I might have imagined, hoped or planned.
I still love the feeling of astonishment when things turn out better than I might have imagined, hoped or planned.
Trash
“Don’t trash your experience with your mind.” Another of my tantra teacher’s memorable phrases. Regrets after the fact, reassessing what we enjoyed, agreed to, or went along with, may take us nowhere. The deed is done, that ship sailed. If we enjoyed or benefited from the experience, where’s the value in trashing? It’s been hard not to do that after choices I made where my body liked what was happening, yet my onlooking head was shaking in disbelief, or my heart was elsewhere. Sigh. Sometimes we just don’t want yet another ‘lesson’. Courage, mon brave. Keeping shame at bay, owning our agency, perhaps the best we can do is try to be wiser next time.
“Don’t trash your experience with your mind.” Another of my tantra teacher’s memorable phrases. Regrets after the fact, reassessing what we enjoyed, agreed to, or went along with, may take us nowhere. The deed is done, that ship sailed. If we enjoyed or benefited from the experience, where’s the value in trashing? It’s been hard not to do that after choices I made where my body liked what was happening, yet my onlooking head was shaking in disbelief, or my heart was elsewhere. Sigh. Sometimes we just don’t want yet another ‘lesson’. Courage, mon brave. Keeping shame at bay, owning our agency, perhaps the best we can do is try to be wiser next time.
Enquiry
Unlike some of my friends for whom every feeling is a depth probe, I’m too busy to give emotions much attention.. Often I have to be asked a question to sense into what I feel. Despite years of somatic work, while I’m better at noticing sensations in the body, feeling emotions has been a piecing together. I think my feelings. In the Non Violent Communication lists, I found names for the different degrees of doubt, anger, pain, disquiet, consternation, unsureness, and dismay. Giving names to feelings, and then trying to figure out if or where I feel them, is an undertaking. It usually comes back to my heart, a place I’m less familiar with. Finding fractures of sensitivity, with a vulnerability I don’t have the inner permission to speak.
Unlike some of my friends for whom every feeling is a depth probe, I’m too busy to give emotions much attention.. Often I have to be asked a question to sense into what I feel. Despite years of somatic work, while I’m better at noticing sensations in the body, feeling emotions has been a piecing together. I think my feelings. In the Non Violent Communication lists, I found names for the different degrees of doubt, anger, pain, disquiet, consternation, unsureness, and dismay. Giving names to feelings, and then trying to figure out if or where I feel them, is an undertaking. It usually comes back to my heart, a place I’m less familiar with. Finding fractures of sensitivity, with a vulnerability I don’t have the inner permission to speak.
Battle
My superiority and inferiority complexes battle it out in my brain. The know-it-all bickering with ‘who do you think you are?’ Underpinned by the idealist versus the inner critic, any wishful certitude is undermined by doubtful rumination, each wrestling with angels for my attention. The best I can do is go ahead anyway.
My superiority and inferiority complexes battle it out in my brain. The know-it-all bickering with ‘who do you think you are?’ Underpinned by the idealist versus the inner critic, any wishful certitude is undermined by doubtful rumination, each wrestling with angels for my attention. The best I can do is go ahead anyway.
Litany
Personality is tricky. It’s not all of who we are, yet it’s what we’re contending with on a daily basis. Self- improving can feel fruitless, especially if you’re of the view that you’re perfect as you are, and everyone else is wrong. Nice idea. Until a crisis hits or a series of failed relationships. These are choice points in our lives where we can happily continue blaming others, or realise it might not be them after all. If a fall from grace is inevitable, we might as well make it worthwhile to assess our part in the litany.
Personality is tricky. It’s not all of who we are, yet it’s what we’re contending with on a daily basis. Self- improving can feel fruitless, especially if you’re of the view that you’re perfect as you are, and everyone else is wrong. Nice idea. Until a crisis hits or a series of failed relationships. These are choice points in our lives where we can happily continue blaming others, or realise it might not be them after all. If a fall from grace is inevitable, we might as well make it worthwhile to assess our part in the litany.
Bias
Love is troublesome. Then it’s joyous and full of possibility. And then it’s troublesome or disappointing again. Like life, staying optimistic in the myth of romance is a privilege of bias.
Love is troublesome. Then it’s joyous and full of possibility. And then it’s troublesome or disappointing again. Like life, staying optimistic in the myth of romance is a privilege of bias.
Preen
I’ve recently discovered that hearing “clever girl’ has a charge, I feel preeny, encouraged and smart. Childhood wounds surface in surprising ways.
I’ve recently discovered that hearing “clever girl’ has a charge, I feel preeny, encouraged and smart. Childhood wounds surface in surprising ways.
Drive
I don’t trust ardour anymore. If someone shows up all keen, I assume trauma bonding and pop the balloon of chemistry. I’ve stopped believing in attraction. Yet the occasional noticing that I’ve perked up and feel alive with sexual relevance is a reminder of what used to be fun and a driving force. It’s not sex drive though, it’s something grounded below that. Recognition.
I don’t trust ardour anymore. If someone shows up all keen, I assume trauma bonding and pop the balloon of chemistry. I’ve stopped believing in attraction. Yet the occasional noticing that I’ve perked up and feel alive with sexual relevance is a reminder of what used to be fun and a driving force. It’s not sex drive though, it’s something grounded below that. Recognition.
Submission
Is it worthwhile to explain my understanding of the difference between a man ‘in service’ and a man ‘in submission’? I’d take the former any day. A man in service is there to do what I want, though he has the power to say no. With a man in submission it’s the opposite. The Domme is in service to them. It looks like the Domme is in charge either way, yet there’s a subtle, vital difference. It’s back to the key question, “Who is it for?” With a man in service, it’s for me, with a man in submission, it’s ultimately for them; but they want to believe it’s for the Domme.
Is it worthwhile to explain my understanding of the difference between a man ‘in service’ and a man ‘in submission’? I’d take the former any day. A man in service is there to do what I want, though he has the power to say no. With a man in submission it’s the opposite. The Domme is in service to them. It looks like the Domme is in charge either way, yet there’s a subtle, vital difference. It’s back to the key question, “Who is it for?” With a man in service, it’s for me, with a man in submission, it’s ultimately for them; but they want to believe it’s for the Domme.
Twin
And then there’s Tarot. What lost girl doesn’t love a bit of tarot? Online at night through the bad years, listening to twin flames and soulmate readings. None of it was useful apart from showing me my lostness and willingness to believe in almost anything. And I enjoyed it. Better than tech bro YouTube videos about productivity. Arguably, they may have been better for business, yet mysticism held more appeal for my lonely heart. YouTube Tarot is cheap and hopeful.
Ride
Exploring sexuality is a hard ride, if you can sort that out, you can pretty much sort anything else out. Impossibly tough at times, I’m grateful for it now; I see how even my noble adversaries were a gift.
Exploring sexuality is a hard ride, if you can sort that out, you can pretty much sort anything else out. Impossibly tough at times, I’m grateful for it now; I see how even my noble adversaries were a gift.
Easy
It’s easy to be inspired to change, and easy to be overwhelmed by the choice of teachings. Start somewhere. Your life is yours. Make it so; as far as you can. Allow yourself to be pulled by the direction of your soul’s longing.
It’s easy to be inspired to change, and easy to be overwhelmed by the choice of teachings. Start somewhere. Your life is yours. Make it so; as far as you can. Allow yourself to be pulled by the direction of your soul’s longing.
Nibble
“May I nibble your ear, Alison?” was the first sentence anyone ever asked to check my consent. He paused to wait for my answer. I was in my first cuddle pile, slightly bewildered by what might be expected of me and the purpose of a cuddle party in general. I said yes to the request and marvelled at the experience. Not just of the soft, slow, brief nibble, but of the space and time to decide before it happened.
“May I nibble your ear, Alison?” was the first sentence anyone ever asked to check my consent. He paused to wait for my answer. I was in my first cuddle pile, slightly bewildered by what might be expected of me and the purpose of a cuddle party in general. I said yes to the request and marvelled at the experience. Not just of the soft, slow, brief nibble, but of the space and time to decide before it happened.
Assortment
I’ve loved sessions with an assortment of clairvoyants, astrologers, healers and wise seers, whose words were what I needed to hear at the time, to be open to following the path of most resistance. They helped steer a course to walk an original trail. Mine. When anything is possible, which it isn’t, how do we choose to walk towards a direction that’s ours? I needed help to narrow that down. I sought outside insight to stray from what I was trained for, to trust in intelligence from the seers’ divine sources, till I developed a connection to my own.
I’ve loved sessions with an assortment of clairvoyants, astrologers, healers and wise seers, whose words were what I needed to hear at the time, to be open to following the path of most resistance. They helped steer a course to walk an original trail. Mine. When anything is possible, which it isn’t, how do we choose to walk towards a direction that’s ours? I needed help to narrow that down. I sought outside insight to stray from what I was trained for, to trust in intelligence from the seers’ divine sources, till I developed a connection to my own.
Passé
Change is inevitable in intimacy. What I want today may not be what I had before. How I want to be and what I want to experience and share as intimacy is mutable. I can't say I understand nurturing a wank bank. When something has gone, it’s rarely worthy of revisiting. Or perhaps the loss of what was once good would be too upsetting. I’d rather have real things to look forward to than go over fantasy or what’s already passé.
Change is inevitable in intimacy. What I want today may not be what I had before. How I want to be and what I want to experience and share as intimacy is mutable. I can't say I understand nurturing a wank bank. When something has gone, it’s rarely worthy of revisiting. Or perhaps the loss of what was once good would be too upsetting. I’d rather have real things to look forward to than go over fantasy or what’s already passé.
Mules
Sometimes I laugh at the Bridget Jones nature of how I got myself into unfulfilled promises of pleasure, simply by being open to life. Doing the research into what I like and don’t like wasn’t sitting around like a wafty tantric goddess or glamorous burlesque dancer, nibbling mangoes, wearing fluffy mules and waiting for some handsome yet inexpressively subtle warrior to show up. It’s more tawdry than that. While it might make for a good story, I wish I hadn’t had to find out the hard way.
Sometimes I laugh at the Bridget Jones nature of how I got myself into unfulfilled promises of pleasure, simply by being open to life. Doing the research into what I like and don’t like wasn’t sitting around like a wafty tantric goddess or glamorous burlesque dancer, nibbling mangoes, wearing fluffy mules and waiting for some handsome yet inexpressively subtle warrior to show up. It’s more tawdry than that. While it might make for a good story, I wish I hadn’t had to find out the hard way.
Path
A mixed Tantra workshop isn’t going to give you security. Though it’ll show you who you are, your hopes, your ‘stuff’, your potential, your possessiveness, your triggers, as well as insightful and healing opportunities. This too is part of “the inner work,” on a spiritual path of growth.
A mixed Tantra workshop isn’t going to give you security. Though it’ll show you who you are, your hopes, your ‘stuff’, your potential, your possessiveness, your triggers, as well as insightful and healing opportunities. This too is part of “the inner work,” on a spiritual path of growth.
Advice
Unsolicited advice is just that. It sounds like criticism and is rarely helpful. I’m particularly averse to unsolicited advice. If I want feedback, a testimonial or a sounding board, I’ll ask for it. I have an inner coterie of valued consiglieri. So if it’s something you want, a request is easier.
Unsolicited advice is just that. It sounds like criticism and is rarely helpful. I’m particularly averse to unsolicited advice. If I want feedback, a testimonial or a sounding board, I’ll ask for it. I have an inner coterie of valued consiglieri. So if it’s something you want, a request is easier.