Velocity
Accomplishing sex feats isn’t all about the bucket list. Making up for lost time is one thing, but moving through tick lists without emotion, runs out of velocity. The wonder of encounters is allowing surprise, joy and pleasure. Yet a first meeting is often fraught with telepathy, silently working out what’s expected. It’s not only consent that matters, is there a feeling that any intimacy can be paused, changed, stopped without rancour or wheedling? I’ve had first encounters where I’ve wondered what’s happening? I’m confused, as if some performance objective is going on behind the scenes. The pressure to have an orgasm for someone else’s validation, takes the fun out of it.
Accomplishing sex feats isn’t all about the bucket list. Making up for lost time is one thing, but moving through tick lists without emotion, runs out of velocity. The wonder of encounters is allowing surprise, joy and pleasure. Yet a first meeting is often fraught with telepathy, silently working out what’s expected. It’s not only consent that matters, is there a feeling that any intimacy can be paused, changed, stopped without rancour or wheedling? I’ve had first encounters where I’ve wondered what’s happening? I’m confused, as if some performance objective is going on behind the scenes. The pressure to have an orgasm for someone else’s validation, takes the fun out of it.
PhD
I could have paid for a PhD at Harvard with the money I spent on sexuality trainings. I doubt it’d have been so much fun or as useful as the lived experience. Better paid outcomes, perhaps.
I could have paid for a PhD at Harvard with the money I spent on sexuality trainings. I doubt it’d have been so much fun or as useful as the lived experience. Better paid outcomes, perhaps.
Forgive
While forgiveness is graceful, I wonder if acceptance is enough? Some mistakes are better not forgiven as they prematurely make us or others feel better, while the hurt remains. Forgiveness means one person has the largesse to forgive. Somehow, taking the moral high ground that there’s always a right way to behave. That happens to be theirs.
While forgiveness is graceful, I wonder if acceptance is enough? Some mistakes are better not forgiven as they prematurely make us or others feel better, while the hurt remains. Forgiveness means one person has the largesse to forgive. Somehow, taking the moral high ground that there’s always a right way to behave. That happens to be theirs.
Cooperative
There’s something about collectively coming together to learn or create that feels more equal than hierarchical. Four decades ago, I trained as a social studies teacher. We chose to teach each other in a democratic cooperative style, with two old hippy course leaders. I loved that style of learning. I was an open door, influencing my inherent anti-authority beliefs. From an early upbringing of a ‘do as I say’ parent, I’ve been asking Why ever since.
There’s something about collectively coming together to learn or create that feels more equal than hierarchical. Four decades ago, I trained as a social studies teacher. We chose to teach each other in a democratic cooperative style, with two old hippy course leaders. I loved that style of learning. I was an open door, influencing my inherent anti-authority beliefs. From an early upbringing of a ‘do as I say’ parent, I’ve been asking Why ever since.
Turbulence
My Tantra teacher used to say to us, “If you can’t play with it, it’s got you.” Later, I delved into, then played with the issues that had got me into a tantric turbulence. So I could own my shadows rather than hide them from myself and others. These days, there’s a wry smile as I confess my control, possessiveness or avoidance issues over dinner. Best to be upfront. If I’d never gone there, they’d still be running the shop and relationships. Yet, you never know who’ll appreciate them.
My Tantra teacher used to say to us, “If you can’t play with it, it’s got you.” Later, I delved into, then played with the issues that had got me into a tantric turbulence. So I could own my shadows rather than hide them from myself and others. These days, there’s a wry smile as I confess my control, possessiveness or avoidance issues over dinner. Best to be upfront. If I’d never gone there, they’d still be running the shop and relationships. Yet, you never know who’ll appreciate them.
Volcano
When I have a big idea, I have to leave home. I wrote 50,000 words in 2 months in 25-minute chunks, in a tiny Balinese village where I hardly met anyone. Living at Amrita cafe, with a view of rice fields and Mount Agung, I knew myself differently, deeply immersed, open and absorbed. There isn’t a time I don’t long to return to that flow and the volcano view from my desk. Little and medium ideas are welcome too. In everyday life, I still use a timer set for 25 minutes, leaving the house for a cafe with an endless horizon view.
When I have a big idea, I have to leave home. I wrote 50,000 words in 2 months in 25-minute chunks, in a tiny Balinese village where I hardly met anyone. Living at Amrita cafe, with a view of rice fields and Mount Agung, I knew myself differently, deeply immersed, open and absorbed. There isn’t a time I don’t long to return to that flow and the volcano view from my desk. Little and medium ideas are welcome too. In everyday life, I still use a timer set for 25 minutes, leaving the house for a cafe with an endless horizon view.
Penance
Dirty talk can be hit and miss. Strike the wrong note in stealth, and it can kill a mood; hit the right tone, and it can rocket the eroticism skyward. Discussing the edgy words before trying them out is more useful than guesswork. Calling me ‘good girl’ makes the brat in me bristle; an encouraging ‘clever girl’ makes me smile. Though it was intoning the words “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned,” kneeling in front of a role-playing priest, that turned the eroticism from zero to hot in the time it would have taken to say a few Hail Marys. Let’s talk about penance. Hallelujah.
Dirty talk can be hit and miss. Strike the wrong note in stealth, and it can kill a mood; hit the right tone, and it can rocket the eroticism skyward. Discussing the edgy words before trying them out is more useful than guesswork. Calling me ‘good girl’ makes the brat in me bristle; an encouraging ‘clever girl’ makes me smile. Though it was intoning the words “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned,” kneeling in front of a role-playing priest, that turned the eroticism from zero to hot in the time it would have taken to say a few Hail Marys. Let’s talk about penance. Hallelujah.
Lamplight
Re-finding silence is lovely. I’ve not had a TV for years; I mostly listen to music in the car. My creativity wants alone, quiet time. In time for reflection, there’s space to be inspired, to notice, to take things in, to consider ideas. Rather than morning pages, I mull over questions in evening pages, writing to the Greek gods, guides and angels, asking questions and listening to answers. Who knows who or what makes up the inner guidance, but the practice of emptying my day onto the page by lamplight is reassuringly, soothingly worthwhile.
Re-finding silence is lovely. I’ve not had a TV for years; I mostly listen to music in the car. My creativity wants alone, quiet time. In time for reflection, there’s space to be inspired, to notice, to take things in, to consider ideas. Rather than morning pages, I mull over questions in evening pages, writing to the Greek gods, guides and angels, asking questions and listening to answers. Who knows who or what makes up the inner guidance, but the practice of emptying my day onto the page by lamplight is reassuringly, soothingly worthwhile.
Opium
How am I going to die? “Find the opium dealers,” was one friend’s advice to help with the existential dread of suffering. There’s a first and last time for everything.
How am I going to die? “Find the opium dealers,” was one friend’s advice to help with the existential dread of suffering. There’s a first and last time for everything.
Criteria
Unconsciously controlling is a way to keep love at a distance. When love has to meet criteria, how can it be unconditional? That’s not to be confused with a relationship, where it's valuable to be discerning.
Unconsciously controlling is a way to keep love at a distance. When love has to meet criteria, how can it be unconditional? That’s not to be confused with a relationship, where it's valuable to be discerning.
Inheritance
Having parents you don’t want to be like is a strong motivation for change. Stepping out of expectations of shared inherited values is a liberation and a loss. Exile is confusing, at least at the beginning. I ran a long way to freedom. It’s a long road back to reconciliation. To stand in their shoes, to soften, to understand that in their situation, how else would I have done differently?
Having parents you don’t want to be like is a strong motivation for change. Stepping out of expectations of shared inherited values is a liberation and a loss. Exile is confusing, at least at the beginning. I ran a long way to freedom. It’s a long road back to reconciliation. To stand in their shoes, to soften, to understand that in their situation, how else would I have done differently?
Impact
What impact do you want to have? When folx talk about leaving a legacy, it feels grandiose. Yet if we’re always radiating an effect, how do you want to be known? For influencing kindness or meanness, pettiness, pragmatism, idealism, reliability or trouble? Impact doesn’t have to be a driving force; it’s happening anyway. How do you want to be known and what for?
What impact do you want to have? When folx talk about leaving a legacy, it feels grandiose. Yet if we’re always radiating an effect, how do you want to be known? For influencing kindness or meanness, pettiness, pragmatism, idealism, reliability or trouble? Impact doesn’t have to be a driving force; it’s happening anyway. How do you want to be known and what for?
Catalyst
I’ve been through three divorces, none of them mine. A catalyst rather than a cause. Who wouldn’t want an oasis of kindness and pleasure after marital misery?
I’ve been through three divorces, none of them mine. A catalyst rather than a cause. Who wouldn’t want an oasis of kindness and pleasure after marital misery?
Secrets
I grew up with secrets. I became good at them myself. A hidden liaison permeated my teenage upbringing. Later, I was a secret mistress to someone for 5 years. Avoidance and secrets were easy until my first yoga teacher remarked, “the truth is obviously very important to you”.
I grew up with secrets. I became good at them myself. A hidden liaison permeated my teenage upbringing. Later, I was a secret mistress to someone for 5 years. Avoidance and secrets were easy until my first yoga teacher remarked, “the truth is obviously very important to you”.
Practice
I used to love my early Tantra days when, between workshops, I’d meet up with other participants and practice the structures we’d learned. Whether that was something as simple as eye gazing, or practising pleasure island, massage, or healing in groups, the gradual trust in time-limited meetings that weren’t a fast track to becoming relationships allowed each of us to grow in touch, experience, and expectation. Reducing the chatter of projection, there was a clarity and purpose to the meetings, and bonding beyond the usual.
I used to love my early Tantra days when, between workshops, I’d meet up with other participants and practice the structures we’d learned. Whether that was something as simple as eye gazing, or practising pleasure island, massage, or healing in groups, the gradual trust in time-limited meetings that weren’t a fast track to becoming relationships allowed each of us to grow in touch, experience, and expectation. Reducing the chatter of projection, there was a clarity and purpose to the meetings, and bonding beyond the usual.
Compromise
Not compromising oneself for love is hard. I wonder if at least acknowledging where we do, without rancour, allows genuine generosity and expansiveness rather than martyrdom? Setting aside one’s own preferences is a gift when it’s done with a full heart.
Not compromising oneself for love is hard. I wonder if at least acknowledging where we do, without rancour, allows genuine generosity and expansiveness rather than martyrdom? Setting aside one’s own preferences is a gift when it’s done with a full heart.
Content
In a world of harshness, how do we promote personal kindness? Challenging the big-swinging-dick culture of zillionaire oneupmanship, how do we break free from the prevailing competitive system, being content to make our small, essential contribution to the collective good? Finding an internal validation matters, letting that be enough to sustain our hope and forward motion. I don’t have easy answers, it’s a decision every day.
In a world of harshness, how do we promote personal kindness? Challenging the big-swinging-dick culture of zillionaire oneupmanship, how do we break free from the prevailing competitive system, being content to make our small, essential contribution to the collective good? Finding an internal validation matters, letting that be enough to sustain our hope and forward motion. I don’t have easy answers, it’s a decision every day.
Warmth
If subtlety has as much value as intensity, how do I appreciate it? After a lifetime of enjoying the rush of risk and, to some extent, the uncertainty of excitement, it’s time, really time, to value quieter experiences. How that translates to intimacy is new ground. Conditioned to seek the wow, how do we feel able to enjoy the wisdom of refinement? With aging and absence, there’s a wish for warmth rather than heat. How to be met in that, without apologising for, or excusing is a reinvention of relationship expectations. Believing that, savouring, slowing down, and sensuality become the new anticipation.
If subtlety has as much value as intensity, how do I appreciate it? After a lifetime of enjoying the rush of risk and, to some extent, the uncertainty of excitement, it’s time, really time, to value quieter experiences. How that translates to intimacy is new ground. Conditioned to seek the wow, how do we feel able to enjoy the wisdom of refinement? With aging and absence, there’s a wish for warmth rather than heat. How to be met in that, without apologising for, or excusing is a reinvention of relationship expectations. Believing that, savouring, slowing down, and sensuality become the new anticipation.