It takes a lot to get free of conditioning. One day I’ll write down all the things I did, all the books that changed me, and all the old beliefs I had to stop believing to expand possibility. Yet I still limit myself.

A seer once said I didn't know how to play. She could have been right.

I don’t want to be worshipped. The word has a connotation, reminding me of a client who used it as code, hedging and hinting instead of asking about oral sex. The answer was no when he finally came clean. I’m also uncomfortable with one-sided declarations of worship. I feel something is required of me, some reciprocity I don’t feel. Equality matters to me. I’ve enjoyed and valued relationships more where I’ve been the one who adored. Yet one wise advisor says, “Try it. It's generous to allow it.” ‘Try it’ is what I say to others: “go into the thing that scares you.” So why am I worried about worship? Maybe I’ll try it at the next kink workshop? Though trampling on someone has more of an appeal.

Telepathy doesn’t work. If you want something, please ask. I see so many folx who can’t be straightforward, which leads to second-guessing, making up stories and walking on eggshells. It’s a form of insecurity matched with dishonesty, relying on others to guess or offer. It’s exhausting. I’m often going to fail in that game, as I didn't get the memo on people-pleasing. It’s a joy and relief to have clear conversations with humans who have done a lot of inner work. We can work out if we can help each other and create opportunities. Without the need for telepathy.

Playing The Money Game at a Tantra workshop was innervating. I turned up not knowing how much cash I’d brought exactly but knowing it was a significant amount to lose. During the game, I saw money like the tide, coming in, going out. My stash had already dwindled, taken by other women who saw me as excessive and frivolous. That was in the days when I had a well-paying job and a penchant for expensive cosmetics and clothes. I panicked at the tide going out, taking small piles of cash from the two women on either side of me. Taking part in that game gave me food for thought for years as it played out in different circumstances. I still like easy wins.

The people I know who are following their soul are relaxed and open. Being unhappy makes us brittle, regretful, resentful and opinionated. What does it take to bridge the gap and make the changes? Setting off helps.

If straight women are tired of mankeeping and are no longer willing to be the safe harbour, where do we go as the basis of understanding relationships? I’m not saying that’s all there is to relationships either. Having a safe harbour is a wonderful place to rest for everyone.

I have colleagues who, from an early age, knew the power and potential of sex and who became great practitioners and have a gift to share, yet have often felt underappreciated. Coming much later into this realm, I’m envious and grateful for what I missed, and what I discovered.

There are some people who’re all charisma and chaos. Captivating initially, then fail to follow through on any of their initial promise. It’s easy to be beguiled. And disappointed.

I spent time at an exhibition by the conceptual Chinese dissident artist, Ai Weiwei. From a wall of bombs made out of Lego, flags made from buttons, to a boat of refugees entirely made of rubber from the small, flimsy vessels, the scale of his ideas and output is ravenous and huge. A few weeks ago I’d seen him in a segment of performance art, where he reenacted 81 days in detention in 24 hrs. It was mesmerising seeing him take power from the two Chinese guards assigned to watch closely over him, to see them march him the length of his cell. Who was in prison? All of them, but only he had the freedom of thought. Incredible.

I want to spend more time making art and writing a second book. Show me the way.

It’s prissy and perfectionist to want to be good and right. You don’t get to hold the moral high ground anyway. No one cares what you think. Go out and live a little imperfectly, and then see what’s more human and fun.

I miss extravagance and luxury sometimes.

“It’s unfair”. Is what I sometimes want to rail about in my moments of outrage. And “Why me?” Yep, you’re right. It is unfair. It’s unfair that I get to be so privileged, to be born in the global north, that I get to live this lifetime, to have had free education and to have access to health care.  Getting over myself is a daily occurrence.

There’s a difference between jealousy and possessiveness. I’ve been accused of the first while admitting to the second. Jealousy is based on anxiety & anger. Possessiveness is wanting what seems to be yours.

One of the great things about saying ‘I don’t know’ in response to questions that previously required planning is how well it’s received and how I receive it from others. That’s been a good surprise, and built trust in life, each other and the unfolding.

If freedom is something you take, and it’s much greater than you could ever imagine, what’s today’s modicum? Go on. Take it. Maybe no one will even notice. Apart from you.

The so-called compliment I least like is to be called bubbly. You’re missing the depth underneath the effervescence. So am I.

It is a sickening moment when we accept we contributed to our own predicament. That on some level we created the conditions for our suffering, with everything we agreed to that we might have been wiser to have said no to.  All the times we turned down the chances for joy or freedom. I’m having to go through that with cancer. At first I didn’t want to talk about it at all. Now I’m open to insights about why cancer chose to live in me. It may be as simple as inheriting dirty genes. Or is it karma and ego, stress or environmental pollutants? Or no reason at all. It feels like there’s an out-of-reach aha moment of cause and effect. Though when I talk to my tumour cells they say it’s a fair fight if I try to zap them. They’re cells programmed to harm. It’s not personal.

Admitting there are some people with stronger personalities than us, who trampled on our dreams and didn’t take our sensitivities into consideration, yet we stayed with them, is really tough. There’s an unspoken shame around that time of being a doormat. Few people are truly narcissists, though it’s a word that’s often bandied around for people who don’t do what we hope or assume. I’ve been attracted to strong, charming, seductive personalities and crushed by them. People might say the same about me. I’ve contributed to a fair amount of my own suffering by making impulsive choices, attracting people who ultimately wanted to walk different paths. I don’t want to call them toxic relationships as they were part of life’s lessons, a place where I learned I had limits, or to walk away. I learned slowly where I was too demanding for someone else’s emotional interest or capacity, and where I needed to learn about my own power. So it was up to me to get wise about my awful attractions. To stop seeking love in places it’s unlikely to be offered.