Dirty

It is a sickening moment when we accept we contributed to our own predicament. That on some level we created the conditions for our suffering, with everything we agreed to that we might have been wiser to have said no to.  All the times we turned down the chances for joy or freedom. I’m having to go through that with cancer. At first I didn’t want to talk about it at all. Now I’m open to insights about why cancer chose to live in me. It may be as simple as inheriting dirty genes. Or is it karma and ego, stress or environmental pollutants? Or no reason at all. It feels like there’s an out-of-reach aha moment of cause and effect. Though when I talk to my tumour cells they say it’s a fair fight if I try to zap them. They’re cells programmed to harm. It’s not personal.