Gone
Gone with the Wind was the first book that had kept me up all night as a teenager. Tess of the D’Urbervilles the second. Early examples of Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement. Rhett Butler frankly seemed a lot more accommodating and seductive than prissy Angel Clare. Oh dear, that explains a lot of my less wise partner choices.
Gone with the Wind was the first book that had kept me up all night as a teenager. Tess of the D’Urbervilles the second. Early examples of Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement. Rhett Butler frankly seemed a lot more accommodating and seductive than prissy Angel Clare. Oh dear, that explains a lot of my less wise partner choices.
Cry
Optimism is a virtue of my recklessness. I don’t know how to feel the bad stuff. Yet I’m not disassociated but distracted. So I must be due a good cry. Often it needs someone else to ask questions or model what I can’t completely access; less a mirror than a catalyst.
Optimism is a virtue of my recklessness. I don’t know how to feel the bad stuff. Yet I’m not disassociated but distracted. So I must be due a good cry. Often it needs someone else to ask questions or model what I can’t completely access; less a mirror than a catalyst.
Wolf
We assign meaning to our lives. It’s not a given. You choose. So to frame it as a miracle or adventure or doom and gloom pessimism are options. Which wolf do you want to feed?
We assign meaning to our lives. It’s not a given. You choose. So to frame it as a miracle or adventure or doom and gloom pessimism are options. Which wolf do you want to feed?
Ask
There are so many ways to not ask for what you want. The long list may begin with telepathy, hinting, offering, assuming, arguing, sulking, blaming, guilt tripping. There’s so many more, add your own deception or shyness. Why, and what do you do instead? Be virtuous, cheat, withdraw, refuse, be sneaky, steal touch, expect entitlement? Seriously, it’s easier, more fun & liberating to go on a Wheel of Consent course than continue all the failing strategies for the next decade.
There are so many ways to not ask for what you want. The long list may begin with telepathy, hinting, offering, assuming, arguing, sulking, blaming, guilt tripping. There’s so many more, add your own deception or shyness. Why, and what do you do instead? Be virtuous, cheat, withdraw, refuse, be sneaky, steal touch, expect entitlement? Seriously, it’s easier, more fun & liberating to go on a Wheel of Consent course than continue all the failing strategies for the next decade.
Distractions
Interesting conversations are my greatest wonderful distraction. However other Stuff with a capital S does not get done.
Interesting conversations are my greatest wonderful distraction. However other Stuff with a capital S does not get done.
Brat
I have issues with authority. Don’t you? Defiance is generally my response. Being a bratty sub is something I’d like to try. I felt a quiet, furious Fuck You when I was punished for not closing a door properly. I’m a terrible submissive when it comes to someone else’s stupid rules. I’m a terrible submissive anyway. Saying “Fuck you daddio could be fun”, I want to see what would happen. Would you put me over your knee and spank me?
I have issues with authority. Don’t you? Defiance is generally my response. Being a bratty sub is something I’d like to try. I felt a quiet, furious Fuck You when I was punished for not closing a door properly. I’m a terrible submissive when it comes to someone else’s stupid rules. I’m a terrible submissive anyway. Saying “Fuck you daddio could be fun”, I want to see what would happen. Would you put me over your knee and spank me?
Disapproval
Every so often on a tantric massage, clients would try to touch me. Despite the guidance that it was for them to receive, I’d feel their hands wandering under my sarong. I’d gently remove their wandering, wondering digits from my thoughts and thighs. Occasionally going off piste was enjoyably transgressive but I still felt guilty that I’d broken an imaginary tantric code. On some level, I didn’t approve of myself doing tantric massage. Another part of me couldn’t believe I was doing it. I loved the embodied sensuality of those free radical days, despite my disapproval.
Every so often on a tantric massage, clients would try to touch me. Despite the guidance that it was for them to receive, I’d feel their hands wandering under my sarong. I’d gently remove their wandering, wondering digits from my thoughts and thighs. Occasionally going off piste was enjoyably transgressive but I still felt guilty that I’d broken an imaginary tantric code. On some level, I didn’t approve of myself doing tantric massage. Another part of me couldn’t believe I was doing it. I loved the embodied sensuality of those free radical days, despite my disapproval.
Scaletrix
My inner child is a boy. I met him in a meditation in art therapy, and witnessed him from afar for a while. Such a cute red haired chubby innocent. He was intensely focused on his scalectrix, watching the cars go round the figure of eight track with little plastic pine trees and pit stops. When I asked him if he had a message for me, he let me know that ‘it’s okay to be fascinated’.
My inner child is a boy. I met him in a meditation in art therapy, and witnessed him from afar for a while. Such a cute red haired chubby innocent. He was intensely focused on his scalectrix, watching the cars go round the figure of eight track with little plastic pine trees and pit stops. When I asked him if he had a message for me, he let me know that ‘it’s okay to be fascinated’.
Critical
When I offer my (ahem) observations, suggestions or experience, it can feel critical. I know. I could put it down to my ‘right-angle cross of incarnation’, a human design concept that shows our purpose. Apparently, mine is ‘to make new laws’. Which is ironic given I grew up in a household where “Because I say so,” was often a response to my teenage questioning.
When I offer my (ahem) observations, suggestions or experience, it can feel critical. I know. I could put it down to my ‘right-angle cross of incarnation’, a human design concept that shows our purpose. Apparently, mine is ‘to make new laws’. Which is ironic given I grew up in a household where “Because I say so,” was often a response to my teenage questioning.
Preference
I prefer encouragement to punishment. If you haven’t worked that out, you don’t know me. If you have, I’ll do quite a lot for you.
I prefer encouragement to punishment. If you haven’t worked that out, you don’t know me. If you have, I’ll do quite a lot for you.
Pinball
What if there are different mes living on multiple timelines? Like a pinball machine, lighting up in different circuits. In one alter-alison I imagine being happily married to an accountant, with a spacious white fitted kitchen and kids at Oxbridge. In another timeline, I’m a brothel Madame. Or a geography teacher at a girls' school in the Lake District. Or an expat wife married to a diplomat in Asia. I hope I’m enjoying lighting up in the other timelines, being other Alis.
What if there are different mes living on multiple timelines? Like a pinball machine, lighting up in different circuits. In one alter-alison I imagine being happily married to an accountant, with a spacious white fitted kitchen and kids at Oxbridge. In another timeline, I’m a brothel Madame. Or a geography teacher at a girls' school in the Lake District. Or an expat wife married to a diplomat in Asia. I hope I’m enjoying lighting up in the other timelines, being other Alis.
Vainglory
Ffs! I don’t know who to be madder about: the voracious billionaires buying politicians and environmental policy, the warring, corrupt presidents, or the loser rapists drugging their partners. Vainglory, I can’t have the slightest effect on. I feel helpless and furious in equal measures, and I don’t know where to express the futility and rage. So I go about making the house beautiful, supporting the next wave of sex educators, trying to stay grounded in the unease, fear and dismay. How are we supposed to pretend that conquest is ‘success’ or that it’ll all come good, or that disaster capitalism will continue unabated? I want to cry.
Ffs! I don’t know who to be madder about: the voracious billionaires buying politicians and environmental policy, the warring, corrupt presidents, or the loser rapists drugging their partners. Vainglory, I can’t have the slightest effect on. I feel helpless and furious in equal measures, and I don’t know where to express the futility and rage. So I go about making the house beautiful, supporting the next wave of sex educators, trying to stay grounded in the unease, fear and dismay. How are we supposed to pretend that conquest is ‘success’ or that it’ll all come good, or that disaster capitalism will continue unabated? I want to cry.
Head
Allowing the parts of our personalities that we often feel are unacceptable is freeing. Giving them expression with consenting adults who want what you try to hide, and who will support you to feel the permission and experience you seek to heal, builds trust in life. Transformation happens when we can be more of who we are and might be. I’ve come away from D/s workshops feeling like a Head of Household relationship would suit me. That polyamory could get more done. That having ‘men in service’ might not be as demanding as I think. That’s my job. Whether I’ll put any of it into action isn't as important as accepting these aspects in me.
Allowing the parts of our personalities that we often feel are unacceptable is freeing. Giving them expression with consenting adults who want what you try to hide, and who will support you to feel the permission and experience you seek to heal, builds trust in life. Transformation happens when we can be more of who we are and might be. I’ve come away from D/s workshops feeling like a Head of Household relationship would suit me. That polyamory could get more done. That having ‘men in service’ might not be as demanding as I think. That’s my job. Whether I’ll put any of it into action isn't as important as accepting these aspects in me.
Arrive
I’ve just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I’m surprisingly uninterested in having cancer. The greater question, of how to live life with some degree of generosity and radiance after having to stop my beloved HRT patches, is more perplexing. As the oestrogen trickles out of the building, I wonder what might remain or arrive beyond sadness and fatigue? As a friend reminded me, who’s just completed her cancer treatment, “Watch your thoughts, Ali”.
I’ve just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I’m surprisingly uninterested in having cancer. The greater question, of how to live life with some degree of generosity and radiance after having to stop my beloved HRT patches, is more perplexing. As the oestrogen trickles out of the building, I wonder what might remain or arrive beyond sadness and fatigue? As a friend reminded me, who’s just completed her cancer treatment, “Watch your thoughts, Ali”.
Sorry
Defensiveness, blame, judgment, minimising or distraction have no place in a rupture and repair situation. Listening to impact is much more informative. Apologising if asked is easier than holding a grudging reluctance. It’s a big deal to learn to empathise and say sorry genuinely. And to accept an apology and move on.
Defensiveness, blame, judgment, minimising or distraction have no place in a rupture and repair situation. Listening to impact is much more informative. Apologising if asked is easier than holding a grudging reluctance. It’s a big deal to learn to empathise and say sorry genuinely. And to accept an apology and move on.
Rude
I’m trying out being rude and taking a break from my responsive, capable, problem-solving self. I wonder if anyone will notice? It’s a good chance to test where my perception of responsibility meets the reality of necessity.
I’m trying out being rude and taking a break from my responsive, capable, problem-solving self. I wonder if anyone will notice? It’s a good chance to test where my perception of responsibility meets the reality of necessity.
Rut
“Oh, I could have never done that,” is another phrase I hear when I recount my escapades. I never thought I could or would do half the things I’ve done, either. If you want to grow or get out of a rut, putting your body into pleasurable or experimental new situations often rewards the risk.
“Oh, I could have never done that,” is another phrase I hear when I recount my escapades. I never thought I could or would do half the things I’ve done, either. If you want to grow or get out of a rut, putting your body into pleasurable or experimental new situations often rewards the risk.
Unreliable
We’re unreliable narrators of our own lives, based on narrow experiences and inherent ignorance. It’s not our fault, and we’re doing the best we can with what we’ve got. We don’t know what we don’t know. How do we hold compassion for the momentary ridiculousness of enormously preoccupying, ultimately petty concerns? And how, instead, to remember to look at the stars, or the beauty of lichen or a tiny flower and take in the awe of the night sky or exquisite detail? Even though I know this, I spend too much time preoccupied with the first and not enough on the second.
We’re unreliable narrators of our own lives, based on narrow experiences and inherent ignorance. It’s not our fault, and we’re doing the best we can with what we’ve got. We don’t know what we don’t know. How do we hold compassion for the momentary ridiculousness of enormously preoccupying, ultimately petty concerns? And how, instead, to remember to look at the stars, or the beauty of lichen or a tiny flower and take in the awe of the night sky or exquisite detail? Even though I know this, I spend too much time preoccupied with the first and not enough on the second.