Boundaries
By Claire McCauley
I spend a lot of time in the therapy room helping clients create healthy boundaries.
This involves: helping them recognise where they may cross others’ boundaries unintentionally, identifying where they tolerate boundary-crossing, and sometimes abusive, behaviour from others and understanding when something that feels hurtful is a deeper core wound rather than something their partner is ‘doing wrong’.
So, what exactly are boundaries?
Boundaries are like the invisible lines that define and protect who you are as an individual. They let you say “This is me” and “This is where I end, and someone else begins.” Boundaries are not just about simply saying “no” to others - they’re about knowing what’s right for you and having the confidence to express that.
Your boundaries define your sense of Self. This Self includes:
Your physical body.
Your thoughts, feelings, needs, fears and desires.
Your values, beliefs, and sense of right and wrong.
You are responsible for managing your boundaries, not someone else. When you have healthy boundaries in place, you don’t blame others for how you feel and you protect yourself from situations or behaviours that don’t feel right with clear loving communication. Healthy boundaries create a sense of safety and authentic connection with others, allowing you to be yourself without fear of being intruded upon or drained by other people.
Why do we need boundaries?
Without boundaries, life can feel chaotic and overwhelming. You may find yourself feeling hurt, taken advantage of, or constantly drained by other people’s needs and emotions. People pleasing is a state of poor boundaries. If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “I just don’t understand how they could think that of/do that to me!”, chances are your boundaries aren’t solid!
In relationships, healthy boundaries give you the space to honour your own needs and those of your partner. They help avoid unnecessary conflict and allow for more peace, ease, trust, and respect.
What is a boundary violation?
When someone crosses your boundary, this is a boundary violation. Even if you have never thought about boundaries before, you know the feelings of anger, defensiveness, or unfairness that happen when a part of you instinctively knows that something is not ok. Boundary violations can range from subtle to outright abusive. Here are some examples:
Yelling or screaming: This creates an unsafe environment with irresponsible communication.
Name-calling or insults: Using hurtful negative labels like “You’re so lazy” or “You’re impossible.”
Intimidating/blackmailing: To frighten or threaten someone to persuade them to do something that you want them to do.
Humiliating or shaming: Mocking or ridiculing someone’s feelings or belittling their experiences e.g., “Why are you being so dramatic?”, doing impressions of them, being sarcastic, making them the butt of a joke.
Using sarcasm: Saying the opposite of what you mean to mock or insult someone.
Patronising or condescending: To speak or behave toward you in a way that seems friendly, but that shows superiority or treating someone as if you are more important or more intelligent than them.
Controlling: Telling your partner what they should do, think, or feel. Statements like “You need to change your attitude” or assuming you know what’s best for them cross boundaries.
Breaking agreements: Promising to do something and consistently failing to follow through.
Blaming: Saying things like “I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t made me angry” deflects responsibility and places unfair guilt on your partner.
Manipulating or deceiving: Twisting facts to control the situation or gain an advantage is a form of emotional boundary violation.
Guilt-tripping: Making someone feel bad for putting their own needs first (e.g., “Fine, go out with your friends. I’ll just stay here by myself…”).
If any of these behaviours feel familiar, it may indicate a boundary issue in your relationship.
What happens when boundaries are crossed?
When our boundaries are crossed, we usually feel some form of anger, resentment, or defensiveness. The key is learning to recognise that this your internal alarm system, telling you that something needs attention.
On the flip side, if your partner gets upset and you can’t quite figure out why, ask yourself if you’ve unintentionally violated a boundary. Perhaps they needed space, and you pushed them for more time or emotional investment than they could give. Or maybe you assumed what they wanted without asking.
Why do boundary violations matter so much?
When boundaries are violated repeatedly, it damages the trust and safety in a relationship. Recognising when this is happening helps you identify what you shouldn’t tolerate in your relationship, and what behaviours you should also avoid inflicting on others.
Certain factors like trauma, neurodiversity, addiction, depression or major life stressors can impact our ability to relate in a healthy way. For very emotionally immature people this list of boundary violations may describe their entire communication system, and they can be extremely difficult to be in close relationship with.
How we come about the idea that some of these behaviours are ok, either to give or receive, is a whole other topic. But for now, know that we learned these patterns very early on in life. These behaviours do not make someone a “bad person”, but to be a relationally healthy person, we need to take a good look at our boundary-crossing behaviour and choose to protect those we love from the worst parts of ourselves.