It’s Not Them
By Alison Pilling
What are all the ways you’ve been disappointed in love?
No matter how many times you have called in the one, written lists, done sex magic, or let go, the plaintive call for love gets fainter as we realise that there are so many things we vibe out that may make us unsuitable for some romanticised version of love. It takes a while to understand it may not be them but you. That old patterns play out. So unless we find someone whose complimentary trauma meets ours or they or you are prepared to put up with a decent level of compromise for the sake of commitment, the relationship wheels keep on turning. A chance with each one for self-awareness and to soften into realising all is not perfect within us. Or them. We’re human after all, so acceptance of each other becomes a key part of the balance of love. Or a reason to free each other.
Let’s get real. Let’s talk shadows.
Why did your exes leave you? Of course not all of the exes are worth listening to. What would your nicest or most recent ex say is tough to be with about you? It’s worth a modicum of your time to work out your patterns, what’s loving & where your shadows play out time after time. Avoidance or anxiety, a need for validation or control, resistance to change, unspoken expectations of what relationship is, unconscious “rules” for love, the annoying things you do, expect and are dissatisfied with. Add that to lack of self-belief or narcissism, & princess and the pea expectations. It’s not them.
How about making that list and take it on your first date instead of your list of perfections and why you’re the prize worth having. Humility is not the same as low self worth, it’s knowing you’re flawed, odd and showing up anyway. I have no idea whether there’s someone for everyone. I live in dwindling hope.
I know Trauma is a whole different thing to live with. Some of the above traits may come from that and that needs careful handling, by you and by them. Yet ultimately while the difficult childhood is not your fault, the recurring repercussions are a current reality and recovering from the past to make the present more enjoyable, takes compassion and determination. Healing is hard.
I’ve been told I’m hard on myself. I can see how my avoidance, demands and unconscious expectations, control and assumptions have eventually contributed to the death of love. And that’s hard to come back from with any certainty that I’d be a good partner for someone in the future. That I’m supportive enough to hold them and us when I want to do my own thing, to give way sometimes, to share power and respect. While I believe I’m hard work to be with, other friends tell me I’m a good catch and its just about meeting someone who’s a match. That’s optimistic, I may as well choose to believe that instead.
I want to admire and be loved. How hard can that be?