Flight

I’ve never had kids and that’s not the loss I might have imagined. I’m glad I didn’t go through the ticking biological clock. I was always tempted by a long distance flight rather than the long haul of motherhood. I had lost pregnancies which gave me dark nights of the soul for a while, the illegal termination in Indonesia, the miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy. A clairvoyant had told me I wouldn’t be a mother. Accepting that reset my inner compass towards a differently interesting life. Of course I’m never going to know the sweetness of holding a nuzzling baby or the pride of graduations. Or any of the touching and difficult moments in between and beyond. I see my friends who are mothers, some with kids doing well and others struggling. I’ll never know that level of attachment or responsibility. I didn’t want it enough.