In Nick Roeg’s film ‘Insignificance’, there’s a great scene where Albert Einstein and Marilyn Munro are in bed together. It’s striking, because we don’t expect people like Einstein - geniuses who live in their head - to be any good at sex. They’re just good at thinking.
But here’s the thing: in sex, if nothing else, you’re Einstein. Most of us are. Except, instead of thinking new things, we’re all thinking the same things, over and over:
“Am I doing it right? Will he or she like me? That’s not working. Is it? I feel fat. If I do this will she let me do that? Am I allowed? What shall I do next? I feel rejected. I'm confused about what to do. I'm going to come too soon/not at all. Am I taking too long? Do I smell nice? Does s/he really like this? I don't like that but I don't know how to say without upsetting him. Am I too soft/hard? Have I gone too far?
So what can we do to break the anxiety of performance? What is this mysterious thing of ‘being good in bed?’
If you go to bed with someone with the idea of conquest or getting something or re-enacting something, you're missing the point. The best sensual and erotic experiences are when we’re in our bodies, not our minds, when time stands still and we lose track of our maddening self consciousness.
This is what you need to know: If you go with the idea of creating relaxing connected pleasure, whatever form it might take, you’ve got more of a chance of a surprisingly loving, appreciative, connected and sexy time.
So here’s 8 tips to take yourself away from the anxiety of performance and simply being where you are.
1. Connect to your breath. Breath is the best sex aid. You can use it to slow down and relax or speed it up to raise your arousal. Also notice if you hold your breath and try to breathe deeply. Share breath with your lover, shared slow sexy breathing is very erotic and connected.
2. Connect with your own body as well as your lover’s body. Notice the sensations all over your body. Where do you enjoy being touched? How do you like to be touched? Can you sense sensations on your thighs, collar bone, hips, back of the neck? Your skin is the biggest erogenous zone and the place you can take in the most pleasure. Learn to feel more.
3. Mindfulness isn’t just for meditation. Be mindful and give attention to small gestures, feel textures and enjoy scents, notice the shine in your lovers eyes and the cuteness of the freckle on his knee.
4. Slow down. And slow down again. Slow your touch and your breath.
5. Get more skilled at sensual touch. Slow stroking with the palms of your hands is better than grabby mindless touch. Slow scratching down a man’s back, gentle teasing around a knicker line, gentle hair pulling, a gentle squeeze on a hip or slow finger tips on that sexy line between the bottom and backs of thighs…
6. Learn how to gently ask for what you want and give appreciation ..please kiss my neck…mmmmm that feels good. We all like praise, be generous with it as it guides our lover with appreciation and helps us relax
7. Learn how to connect with your own sexual energy instead of focusing on someone else’s. Taking your intention to being fluid in your hips and pelvis really helps in this, a bit of slow writhing or gentle grinding can be very sensual
8. Eye gazing is beautiful. Before you begin take 10 mins to sit opposite each other and look into each others eyes. Without touching each other, simply through your eyes, connect as two humans who are going to embark on a shared intimate experience and really see each other with a loving gaze.