The first step to a deeper connection with a woman is letting go.
It is essential that you let go of all those ideas about sex that are based on films, television, and pornographic fantasies.
Don’t worry – it's not your fault. Sadly, it's widespread. Porn is a terrible educator and soon there will be a generation of young women whose only experience of touch is from men educated primarily by porn and fantasy. Can you imagine the tedium of being on the receiving end of that every day?
Be with us
The prevailing model of male sexuality is disconnecting women from you. We want you to stop doing things to us, and instead be with us. What women want is to be able shine and feel confident and connected to you.
Start by cultivating a willingness to be curious about how to make deeper and more skilful connections. Focus on sensuality and communication. Women love this stuff and you’ll really stand out if you know how to give a woman your presence and your attention, while making her feel safe with the skilled touch you offer.
And don't make it a one-way street thinking you alway have to be 'giving', your partner will appreciate it if you share what kind of touch you’d like to receive, too.
I hate to say this guys, but maybe - just maybe - one of the reasons women shut down is that men just go for the same old thing over and over again. Often there is also too much pressure on us to have an orgasm to satisfy you, Vary what you ask for, be willing to be affectionate, nurturing and sensual rather then 'trying to get a result'
What I love to do is teach men how to be present, real, and skilful lovers.
A lot of men feel under pressure to somehow know a woman's deepest desires and guess what we want. How about you just ask us first? It's fun that way too.
You get the hear the breathy 'Yes' of wonder, or the helpful 'No' that adjusts us to something even more wonderful. All the while, your male ego can relax and you can be pleased you’re getting the gift of feedback. And we can be grateful for real pleasure for its own sake and really notice the slow sensuality and affection we all love.
Imagine letting go of the goal of penetration or orgasm, and just delighting in a variety of other forms of pleasure instead. These are softer pleasures that women just love, but often we don’t know they are possible or how to ask for them.
You can learn how to connect with a woman through sensual touch rather than sexual touch, by slowing down and being present. This allows you to relax into being in a space of ease when you’re with your lover.
You can gain a stronger understanding of how different women like different things and also are ever changing, so that you develop a wider repertoire to offer.
Crucially, you can learn about you. What does your body like, aside from the few inches around your genitals? They’re important - we know that guys - but lets widen the field of possibility for pleasure. Then we can also enjoy understanding and pleasing you without our performance anxiety kicking in.
Dare to be different
This kind of education sets you apart from other men, and lights up your life with love. When you listen without imposing, and understand the nuances of giving and receiving, your woman has the chance to relax and blossom - and so do you.
We want to know and love you, and you can help us out by giving us more of yourself and connecting to your emotions without fear and judgement. Once you and your partner find your potency and pleasure, your self-esteem increases and your life can be more harmonious and loving.
These conversations always need courage and clarity, and a professional can help you with new ideas and different ways of doing things. It’s serious practical work and with a sex coach you’ll be guided through it in a light-hearted yet moving way.
And if you really commit to the work, the results are life changing.